Reasons for everything.

These last few days I’ve been feeling pissy. Not at anything in particular. You know those days where you just get up and you hate the postman for being late, the covers being that little bit too close and you hate especially the fact that you need to go outdoors. That’s how I’ve felt. I’m just feeling wound up by everything in my life at the moment. Everything is going fine but everything is in limbo. Am I stressed because of the way things are or am I stressed for another lame reason?

I’ve just had my Animal Welfare exam a few days ago and for the first time in my life I didn’t just want to do Ok. I wanted to do brilliant. I worried to the max about it and like in any exam I sat down, opened the paper and realised I probably wouldn’t do as well as I wanted. The questions were worded to a point I couldn’t find a good starting point to even answer them. Some of them I just didn’t even know the answer to despite reading the notes 5 minutes before we started. I keep thinking over my answers now and dreading getting my results back. I really hate exams.

I’ve still not got my letter telling me when my college interview will be. I know it is the week of the 20th May but I really want something on writing telling me when and where it will be. Something so I can put my mind at ease a little. I’ve not had my letter about my divorce through either and I was expecting it 3 months ago. I asked my ex and his excuse was that he’d been busy. Yeah sorting your holiday to Disney Land! It does not take 3 months to fill in a form and email it!

On the job front nothing has really come up. Kim may have found a job in Copenhagen so we’re waiting on the details of that to come through in a month’s time. If it’s a good enough job then we’ll probably be looking to pick up and move over there. Something that we wanted to do a year ago but couldn’t because of the lack of jobs. I also sent my CV to a company in Berlin who emailed me asking when I could do an interview. I’ve not heard anything since I replied on Monday so I’m not sure where things are with that. I wouldn’t mind moving to Berlin to be honest but it would mean going back into customer service and not veterinary which is where I’d rather be. A jobs and job though right?

Then there is the normal little voice in my head asking why I’m still not pregnant. The voice that know’s we’re only 3 weeks off the 2 year mark. I was finally getting close to accepting things and just enjoying life and then the typical curveball came into play. A friend of mine a few months back told me she was struggling to conceive her second. A person I actually knew in real life who had a face and a history we shared. I finally felt connected to someone. Well about 2 weeks ago I messaged her asking how she was. Well she was pregnant… My link, my understanding voice, was gone. I’m happy for her, really I am but it’s tough to not think the usual thoughts. Why isn’t it my turn? I bought her son and new bean gifts for her birthday. For the first time in my life I bought baby clothes and they weren’t even for me. People don’t get that as hey don’t you normally buy them for friends and such anyways, but I never have. I honestly expected to be buying them for me the first time I ever had to. I was proud of myself for getting them as looking at them all I just wanted to cry. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I’ve put my banner on Facebook, I even made a story of it for Imgur to let them all know and yet it feels like nothing has changed. I’m open about it all anyways as I hate subjects being taboo. If you can’t even talk about it then it will never be solved. I guess I’m just tired of this journey especially when nothing is happening on it. Part of me just wishes someone could turn around and tell me it was impossible for me to have children just so I could have some closure on it all. But I won’t get that until I know what’s going on with the rest of my life. Did I mention that out of all the blogs I started following a year ago only 2 of them currently arn’t pregnant?

So am I pissy this week because of all of the above? Maybe I’m just pissy because it’s somewhere towards the end of my cycle and my PMS is kicking in. Maybe it really is the weather. Whatever it is chocolate sure makes things better.

1 year later

I haven’t posted much since my update on the adoption. I’ve been going over in my mind whether it is worth starting the process or whether we should just keep going as we are. I’m leaning more to just keep trying and hoping but I have this wierd feeling. I feel like I’m mourning something I’ve not even lost yet. I’m mourning birthdays that will never happen, events I will never be a part of. I’m mourning a family I will never have. And it’s confusing because I still have some hope for the future.

I think this feeling has come from the fact that it’s been a year since I was last pregnant in any way or form. It was a year today actually that I found out I was pregnant before my loss a few days later and for those few days I felt anxious but amazing. It was that little bit of hope I needed to keep me going even when it went away. I guess because I knew it might happen again and things might have been ok. But it’s been a year now and nothing. Even with clomid and blood tests there has still be nothing. No glimmer of hope. I think I’m mourning my hope now more than anything. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way but the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all” means something more to me. I used to hate when people would say to me “at least you can get pregnant”. I used to cringe and think to myself, yeah maybe I can but I didn’t want to lose it. Slowly I have found myself drifting to their way of thinking. I wish right now that I could at least get pregnant. I wish I could be excited for that short while even if nervous because I would be over the first hurdle and could let myself hope further. If I lost the child I could still hope for another one knowing that it actually might happen again. I could feel sympathy for myself for the way I was feeling. I could actually mourn a real loss. I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone. Nobody should go through it but in my twisted mind I guess I feel what all those people said to me so long ago. “At least you can get pregnant”. For these thoughts I feel guilty and I’m sorry.

I feel stressed by all this. I’m trying to carry on as normal but it’s at the back of my mind. I feel like a I need a plan. An idea of what is to come that I’m sure will happen. I’ve spent to long living in a “we’ll see” type mentality and it’s making me more on edge everyday. I need to relax. I need to get away from everything.

“If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I’d definitely choose a heart because at least you’d do something. If you’re a brain, at the end of the day all you’re really good at is settling for shitty situations.”

George – Dead Like Me