Just to say that yesterdays big scan went fine. Measuring 12+2 so due the 8th June. I cried because it was so amazing to see. I know we still have a long way to go but I’m hopeful that everything will be okay. Will update properly later when I have more energy and access to my laptop.
Warning – Will probably include pregnancy stuff, it’s very dull if you’re not interested in that type of thing.
So it’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I’ve been trying to focus on my college work and catching up as quite simply I feel I’ve been falling behind with it all. It’s not that I’m not bothering to do the work, it’s simply I don’t understand what I’m doing, I get frustrated with it and then I wait on it until it’s too late. I then start it again and suddenly it all makes perfect sense. It’s a pretty bad system I have in place for it all. I have however managed to mostly catch up and will be so happy for when the Christmas holidays begin. Though yet again we’re poor this year, we’ve been saving points on surveys for vouchers to spend on amazon which means tonnes of cheap books. Kim has got most of the season off too so we’ll be together with barely any interruptions. It’s going to be nice. We’re having the big Christmas dinner at our home again with friends and I’m really looking forward to it. Not to mention the release of the Hobbit 2 (sounds so wrong saying it that way) that I’m really looking forward to. I read the book shortly after the first was released and enjoyed it so much more than LOTR. Maybe because it was shorter and I’m a huge dwarf fan girl. Not just from the hobbit series but pathfinder, wow and well anything dwarf related. They’re just cool.
But yeah everything is going okay at the moment. I had my first midwife appointment about a week back. I say midwife, it’s more the local nurse. Here in Ireland you don’t see a midwife until you’re actually in labor. But yeah she took 20 minutes to get blood out of my arm , numerous stab wounds down it and a little bruising that lasted 2 weeks. It’s a good thing I don’t have a fear of needles. Turns out all my levels are where they should be, I’m type O- blood type (which is just totally metal \m/) And she prodded my fat saying she could feel something which was right for where it should be. She wouldn’t doppler me simply as she said it was too early and she didn’t want to worry me if you found nothing. Understandable but I wish she would just say that I’m fat and it’s difficult. All these nurses so far seem to keep dodging around it like I might be emotionally scarred otherwise. I’M FAT, I KNOW, I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BUT I’M HUNGRY EVERY 2 SECONDS!!! Kim has for a while been calling me Blout (A character from book of unwritten tales) He’s one half of a 2 headed ogre and his lines mainly consist of “Blout hungry”….Yeah that’s been me. It’s quite accurate really.
I’ve got the big 12 week scan happening on Tuesday next week and time can not move quick enough. I’m staying positive as as terrible as it seems worst case scenario just puts us back where we were at the start of September. I’ll be upset but I’ve had hope now. It’s what I needed to keep going. Best case scenario is we come home and do the lame announcement on Facebook. No scan pics though as it’s not something I really want to share with the world.
I’m going to be honest though I’m terrified of this pregnancy. It’s weird not having any control over what my body is doing. I’m scared that I’ll get ill with the numerous things I run risk of with my weight. I’m scared Wiggly will be born early and be sick and ill. I’m worried he’ll have some sort of special needs and I won’t know what to do. I’m worried he’ll be born and I just won’t know how to care for him. (I keep saying he as I’m convinced it’s going to be a boy, yeah it’s early but I just have this feeling. It’s tricky to explain.)This is the type of stuff I’ve been dreaming recently. It’s miles off but I feel I have no idea what to do. All I sort of want is my mum there to help. We’ll see though. I’m a little homesick recently and just want this week out-of-the-way. Apologies for boring people with all this, At least I’m not doing those weekly updates with pictures of fruit. As fun as they are the first few weeks they get really old really quickly.
Anyways I’ll leave you in the hands of my metal blood type.
So it’s been while since I last posted. Figured I’d update on how college and life was going to make sure the world hadn’t forgotten about me. A blog I read recently mentioned about people with infertility moving on with their lives and then just vanishing. I sort of don’t want to do this. This blog wasn’t just for the TTC worries, it was everything really. So guess I better update before I put it off again.
College has been going OK. Exhausting really as my timetable is a bit of a mess and my Monday’s are pretty much 9-5’s that I’m not used to at all. Fridays are 9-5 on my feet days at the vet which I was not expecting to do again after getting back to college. They conveniently dropped it on us that we’d need placements on our first day starting. None of us were prepared for it. Classes are mostly going OK apart from the really pointless modules such as health and safety and Internet. I’m supposed to be learning how to care for dogs and yet they insist that I know about digital signatures and what a company safety statement is. I loathe these classes and a lot of my frustrations come from simply thinking about them.
As expected, apart from 1 girl I’m the oldest there. The others are between 18-22 most of which are not the brightest and have a tendency to bathe in hooker perfume. I get on with them but outside of college socializing will probably never happen. I’m just not one to spend every night drinking or looking at young lads who probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman.
The tutors are a mixed bunch. A few sort of think we’re 15 years old and as such should be treated that way. For example the teacher who spells words as he reads out notes to us. Not difficult words either. Other tutors there have no point in being there. They mutter the task at the start of the lesson and then just wonder around asking if we’re OK for the rest of it. Useless when the whole class just decides to play on Facebook. Then there is my customer relations teacher. (Yeah I do have animal classes on this animal care course…They’re mostly power point presentations though). Anyways my CR teacher is a strange person. She’s older and stranger. With her last name being “Looney” it should have been expected to be honest. But unexpectedly she seems to be the one I’m growing most fond of. She reminds me of my mum and she seems to show genuine concern for any problems I might be having. I guess it’s not unnatural that she also teaches most of the nursing classes with how empathic she seems.
And I think it was with this empathy that she noticed how stressed I was feeling. She could tell I had yet again been blindsided and was struggling to stay logical and on path. Had I been blindsided by family or friends or even by that friend of a friend of a friend? No. I had been blindsided my own body. On September 30th 2013 I came to notice that AF was late. Now it can normally take a few days and I wouldn’t worry but this was unusual. CD33 of a normally max 31 day cycle. And nothing. No spotting, no cramping just felt normal. I tested and it was BFP. You can read about that at http://unabletoannounce.wordpress.com/ (This was my escape before anyone knew). I was honestly in shock. We’ve had no BFP’s since early 2012. I head back to college and I focus on something else. I get on with life and BAM there it is. I had actually sorted my fertility appointment for the 10th October in the end and if anything was just counting down to that.
Well on the 10th we went that appointment and explained what had happened to the nurse. She was so happy for us. I was still just abstract to it all. We were scanned and saw a black hole, everything was fine. Now things didn’t stay this simple, At the end of 6 weeks I had some spotting and all symptoms vanished. I accepted that it was over and went for my prebooked scan just to confirm it all. However there was a heartbeat. Wiggly was fine. I couldn’t believe it. I had her show me the screen, made her check 100 times. I’m currently 9+1/9+5 on whatever date I’m meant to go by and counting down to the 26th. The 26th will be the big scan. The one that marks the end of the first trimester.
I’m still in shock at times. I can’t believe what has happened. That this miracle should happen when I least expect it. I expect at any moment for something to go wrong but I can’t play those scenarios over in my head. If they happen I can’t have lived them twice. For now I remain hopeful. I accept every hungover feeling I get, the exhaustion, the backache from sleeping so badly. I hope that this lasts. I pray that this lasts.
I’m sorry to anyone blindsided by this post. I know it’s not easy to hear and maybe I should have made a warning at the start. I will not start moving myself off the way some women do when they get their BFP’s with the comments of “oh it will happen to you too” or “just relax, like it did with me”. Things can go wrong, I know that all too well. Those comments do not help either, I know that from experience as well. I think I’ll just keep posting for now. I don’t think we’re ever out of the infertile trenches. Even those who have given birth can never leave this place behind. For now I’ll just carry on like before, doing my college work and sharing pictures of my pup.