So everything has been a little sucky recently. I’m trying to stay positive but well it’s not always working. I’ll give you guys the run down
1 – Still not pregnant. We’re currently on CD16 of cycle 14. 15 months into TTC. Did I think it would take this long? Well nope. If the original idea of waiting for my divorce to come through had been the plan then we wouldn’t even be trying now and would then most likely be waiting 15 months + from then on. Am I hopeful that it might happen this cycle? Nope. Am I expecting my appointment letter to come through from the doctors? Nope. A 6 month wait time takes us into November. I know it’s only a few months away but I sort of want to take some control over all this and stop leaving it to blind luck. I want to fix whatever is wrong. I want to stop feeling so angry at everyone around me that has no clue what this is like. I can’t just relax. I’m not that type of person.
2 – We’re still jobless. I know TTC and no income is probably not the best of things but I’m not expecting it to happen any time soon so may as well not waste any money on birth control. The job centre people have disallowed my claim for money for some unknown reason. I only know this much after waiting 4 months and then actually going into the offices to be told this. I have to wait for a letter before I can appeal against it and I don’t expect that to arrive any time soon.
3 – I’m not expecting to get onto the Cork course for veterinary nursing. There are too many applicants and even if I work every day on my voluntary work I don’t think it will help. I’ve got an interview at a college in the UK for a similar course but that might mean leaving Kim for a year and I don’t know if I can do that. It also depends on where he gets a job as well as we may just end up moving somewhere that doesn’t offer a course. I just feel lost in this whole situation. I feel I have no control over any of it. Kim is also stressed by it all understandably and I just don’t know what to do. I just want to run away from everything at the moment.
4 – Now this one may sound like I’m over reacting. I love my pets. I always have, right from my first cat Nigel to my recent puppy Plato. Currently I have hamsters too. When me and Kim had our 8 month anniversary we bought a hamster called Oegle (They’re all named after Danish words by the way). Oegle turned out to be pregnant and 4 weeks later had 3 little hammies. (Yeah even the hammie got pregnant with no problems ¬¬). Anyways the 3 little ones we kept and called Paleag (sp?), Flyve and Broed. Each night they have been given choccy drops and well I love my little hammies. On Friday I checked in on them as I normally was and Broed the runt wasn’t acting normal. He was rocking side to side and barely moving. I instantly started crying. I knew something was wrong and didn’t want to accept what was happening. We got him to the 24 hour vets and it seems he had a growth inside him. It was blocking his bladder and caused him to just fill with urine. they drained most of it and he seemed to lose all his weight with it. He was dehydrated and underweight. If he had been a cat or dog we might have been able to do something but he was so small and so sick. It’s terrible that we could not have been able to notice it sooner. There was nothing we could do. We had him put to sleep. I cried when he finally stopped breathing. I lost one of my little hammies. He was defiant to the end biting the ultrasound and trying to get the vet but now he’s gone. All I want is my little Broed back.
I’m trying to stay positive with everything going on at the moment but I just want something to go our way. I just want that light at the end of the tunnel to say that it’s all going to be ok. I want a miracle.
“My wife’s an incredible woman. She’s loving and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this, but the woman’s always right… I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby… Please?”
Friends – The one with the birth mother
Figured I’d write this before Diablo 3 sucks me in again but I’m feeling ok.
CD1 came and went but with a cycle nearly the same as my previous it’s made me a little more optimistic. I will most likely change my tune towards the end of the month but for now I’m ok and just thinking of the present. Well when it comes to that I am anyways.
Me and Kim have our plan! We’re staying in cork, yes I know we had decided on this before but then it got changed to the UK and then just anywhere but now we know what we’re doing. I’m starting voluntary work at a pet shop up town and also seeing if any vets will have me as well as I’ve applied as a mature student to do a full-time course in Veterinary Nursing. A bit of a change from office work I know but this is something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child and now is my chance. I just hope I can get in for September. They’ve had over 400 applicants and have very few spots but I’m determined to show them how much it means to me and how hard I’ll work for it. Worst case scenario is I wait until next year and apply again and be one of the first they see. I like this plan very muchly especially as it will fulfil everything I actually enjoyed during my schooling days. Science was awesome and I never got to do enough of it and animals are like the coolest thing ever. They’re about the only thing that can keep my mind occupied for more than 20 minutes. Only other things that can do that are video games 😛 I just hope my hammies and Plato can forgive me for helping other little animals out there.
Just need to keep telling myself that I can do this. I’m playing through what I’ll say at my course interview hoping I can give them the best answers and the most chance to get me doing what I dreamed as a kid. I can do this I know it.
Plato looking his finest
So this week I’ve been troubled by much rage. Not sure what has been causing it. Can’t say lack of sleep as have been sleeping my normal hours. Can’t say people have been annoying me as they haven’t. I dunno what’s been up with me. I wondered if maybe it was just the added focus on the puppy that I’m not used to but that seems a bit silly especially with the things I’ve been getting angry about. I was ready to cry at the fact I couldn’t see Ice Age 4 the other day. We tried to see it once and there was a school trip there. Now last thing I want is to sit in a cinema packed with children (well pre-teens) and their 3 teachers who can’t handle them. So we said sod that and decided to try another day. We went back and they had moved the showing to a later time so we cancelled again. I’m still waiting on my problem free trip to Ice Age 4.
The dog has been hard work but he seems to be calming somewhat. Now that we actually have the gate up for the garden we don’t need to walk him around the garden anymore and can just let him go free which also means I don’t have to keep putting my shoes on every 20 minutes.
Jobs are still seeming impossible to find. Seems every single customer service job requires you to speak 2 languages which makes me feel pretty useless despite so many years of working in it. The job centre is still messing me around over here so I’m not even getting money from the government to live off. I hate leaching off Kim as well so I’m just getting angrier at myself for not staying on at the last place for 1 week longer. I give up far too easily.
On the subject of giving up I’m starting to think maybe me and kim should just not bother for children. It’s not going to happen. Despite all the symptom spotting I’m doing this week (slightly cramping, headaches, 1 sore boob – that’s right 1! and of course the over emotional rage and near crying moments) I know it won’t happen. Even if it does I know I’ll just lose it so quickly. I was even dreaming about it last night. That I got my BFP and was off to buy my digi for the comfort but even in my dream I just wondering how long it would last. I’m of course wondering why I symptom spot seen as my cycle varies so wildly. 28-36 days never the same each month, always different. And typically opk’s would make me a crazy woman and so can not be used. Even with pcos I don’t think they would work properly anyways. /facedesk. I can’t give up on something that is so important to me. I’ve given up on everything else I’ve ever tried to do but I won’t with this.
Sorry this post has been a bit of a downer on previous entries. I’ll make up for it I promise.
“It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.”
Boromir – Lord of the Rings
Ok. So positive post. I can’t say I was feeling positive a few days ago but here goes anyways.
Chased my referral yesterday to be told they currently have a 6 month waiting time and to just be patient. Got advised that there is a better doctor privately who could deal with us quicker if we don’t feel like waiting. After sending them an email asking about prices and such they replied within 10 minutes. Now that’s what I like to see. Seeing my doctor on Wednesday so hopefully I can get referred over to them instead. Then it’s just the fun and games of waiting for CD21 to get those bloods sorted. Something my GP has not even taken from me yet. I hate have unpredictable cycles. It’s been over a year. I just want 1 consistent month please!!! But positivity of this is that the other place seems quicker and reading up online they are good at what they do. Wednesday will hopefully start proper investigations. I just dread getting there and being told “it’s because you’re fat”. So much so I was even dreaming about it last night. I really need to find a diet that works or just stop eating. I could try to bring them coloured foods into the house but I don’t think Kim will be too impressed :p
Plato is.. well I’m not sure if he’s getting there. He’s fine during the day, at little bitey but with me at least it doesn’t go on for long. Night time is proving to be the problem as he just doesn’t seem to understand this whole house training situation. Or should I say “shit”uation. hahahaha I crack myself up. It’s not making Kim too happy though as already suffering with dog allergies he’s usually up a while before me to clean up after him. Need to find a way to get him to learn. He’s fine throughout the day but at night he just goes wild. To google!!!
Family life is still going ok. Little sister is moving soon and will be away from all those cheese eating surrender monkeys ( to quote Jeremy Clarkson) so that’s good for her. Other sister has started her fun job as a mental health ward walking person. I suck at job titles but she seems to be enjoying it muchly, despite the injuries from falling over. And the final sister has just started her first ever job as well. It will be an eye opener for sure and I just hope that mum is getting rent out of her so she can start to learn what the real world is like. It’s not some fairy tale where we all have cash and flats are just given away!!!
Ok so maybe this post was a bit of ranting and a bit of positivity but I feel good after it. It could be that because of inconsistent cycles my hopes are a little more varied. If it shows early then we may have done enough and if it shows late then we may have done it. What we don’t want is an in-between cycle. So for now trying to remain positive. I may need ice cream in a week or 2 but I’ll try to make it low-fat ice cream… Wait…Who the hell wants fat-free ice cream???
Firstly sorry for any spelling mistakes but this is the first post off the iPad. It’s not normal to type on this that’s for sure. Anyways quick update to say I am alive. Plato is a handful as expected but is the loveliest thing ever. I already know that I’m out for cycle 13 so just counting the days till its over. Let’s pray for a short cycle. It’s a good thing we picked up Plato to give me something to occupy my mind and to prevent me from focussing on the ever passing months. I will say its been playing on my mind. I just feel… I dunno… Like I’m having to think over my future. Maybe I’m not meant to have children. I’ll be auntie or god mother. Or just crazy animal owner. God I wish I didn’t feel so alone with all these thoughts.
Update – so managed most of a nights sleep and woke to a lovely comment which has lifted my spirits. Yesterday I was feeling pretty zoned out. Still no referral news. No hope for this cycle. No hope of keeping a pregnancy even if I did see those 2 magical lines. All I could do was wait for the next cycle and go through the motions again. I will admit I still don’t feel too hopeful. I know it’s not been long but when you’re young you sort of expect it to happen instantly. With most of the people I know it has done. With the forums it has done. Even the ones who have been there a while seem to have all got their bfp’s together. I think the fact that I can’t be proactive as well on it bothers me. I feel I have no control at all and I don’t think people get that. They just think it will happen. To just wait and be patient. But when it’s the only thing you’ve ever been sure of in your life how do you stay patient?
I best just relax and as usual try not to think about it. Focus on the dog and spending time with him. After all this may be al there is to life.