“In order to obtain or create something, something of equal value must be lost or destroyed.”
Beth is nearly 8 weeks and although she has been reasonably calm these last few days the above quote has been flying through my head. Although unhealthy, I’ve been thinking about everything I have lost in gaining her. Everything I’ve been feeling recently can amount to 3 words.
For not being able to love her like a normal mother would. For not carrying on breast feeding despite everything that says it’s for the best. For not running to her every cry within seconds simply because I’m too exhausted of bending to her every demand. For not being as good a mother to her as I know I should be.
Then there is guilt to Kim and pup. For not being able to give them the attention they once had. For not being able to share a bed with them both because I know caring for Beth at night will simply keep them awake. For making Kim work a job he hates simply to keep us all going. For putting him in a life he may never have chosen.
This section could go on a lot longer. Mothers are so judgemental of everything you do. If you’re not doing it to their standards or to this weeks “guidelines” then you’re selfish and a bad mother. A lot of guilt stems from this. I want to be a good mother, so why do I listen to these types?
I’m doing a lot of this by myself. Though Kim helps he has to work a lot of the time and the last thing he wants is to be working again as soon as he gets through the front door. I have no family here to help out and the friends I do have have little experience with babies. That’s when they actually remember I exist anyways. I spend my days in front of the TV holding Beth counting the hours until Kim gets home. There is nowhere to go where I live. No simple trip down the shops. I can’t even walk the dog easily with the pram and going out without him is not an option. I have no one to really talk to and it’s lonely. People say I should ask for help because I never do. There is no one to ask though. And even if there was, what can they do? Why even bother them?
For the above first law. Everything I feel I have sacrificed.
Going straight back to college, walking pup casually during the day, my body or at least what I knew it to be, a fun, enjoyable sex life, my social life (or at least what there was of it), any time gaming, a full nights sleep, my identity…
I guess a lot of what I’m trying to figure out with this is who I am now. As a mother I feel like nothing. I feel like Beth is the personality and the life and I’m just the drone which sustains her. Like that guy from total recall. I feel like I’ve lost who I am and I’m mourning that as I try to figure myself out. I feel like a shadow of who I used to be. Was it an equal cost for her? I hope so.
This is just me trying to structure my thoughts before the next feed which I know will come soon. Another night of feed, nap, feed, nap. Before another day of feed, settle, feed, settle… It will get better. Just need to keep my head above the water.