Pre-emptive thinking here by far but soon I’ll be starting my second round of Clomid. Then it will most likely be seeing if my tubes even work. If they do it will be IUI (Which I doubt we can afford) and then most likely IVF. That could be what? A year away? Yeah 25 I know…Young and it could happen and relax and it will happen.. Try being in this position and then give advice. I’m not being a pessimist that it won’t work I’m just preparing myself so that if it does happen I know which way to turn without all the drama.
So which to choose. IVF is expensive and barely covered by insurance over here. That would mean saving for a long while, going through a shit load of hormone injections, scans, sciencey stuff basically turning me into one huge petri dish. Even then the chances of it working are not 100%. I don’t know if I could accept that sort of let down.
Then there is adoption. The recommended choice by all people who have no clue what it’s like to be infertile. It’s not a bad choice, I’m not saying that at all. I’m just saying they need to really think before they speak. Pluses it does work. It gives a home to a child who may not have been wanted. It does however take years of paperwork, being thrown through hoop after hoop trying to prove you’d be a good parent before even being given the chance to show you could be. How much worse could a person be than half the scum who reproduce naturally anyways?
Then there is the third choice. The unspeaken choice. We give up. We accept a life of just the two of us, the waps and the pets. The pets we will lose, like we did poor Flyve the other night (Hammy). I accept that my fate on this planet, my dream, was not to become a mother but instead to live out my life working, living for replacements. Others may not want children and that I understand, they however will not be spending the rest of their lives dreaming of what they could never get.
This isn’t a negative post more myself trying to structure my mind. It’s also a little advice to people who might not get the inner workings of an infertile’s mind.
On a more positive note, Christmas is coming soon and that means good movies on the TV and snow… Well hopefully some snow.
Movies like so 😀
God I need to shut down my head. Not TTC is going ok. I’m not feeling as normally stressed as I would right now but knowing I need to sort my prescription for next cycle has the whispers creeping in again. I can’t just sort it when my new cycle starts either because the pharmacy never has the trigger shot in stock and as such I’m stuck waiting for ages. I’ve been given a repeat prescription for 3 months in a hope that it works. Fingers crossed it will… And hopefully soon, the treatment is expensive and not having a job is proving to be a pain in the arse.
I’ve been checking sites daily in a hope that something appears. And nothing does. Customer service requires a second language, admin jobs are either far too far out or just not available. Even simple part time jobs are taken. I’m not sure what to do and even helpful advice is just seeming more like pressure to get something done. I realise I need to find something. I realise that money is tight and will be while I spend time searching. I really do hope something comes by soon. I daren’t look at my bank balance because I know it will just make me worry more. Some good news came through the mail today. Although making me smile briefly it then made me worry about money again and I’m having to subdue all panic in my cluttered little mind. I’ve been thinking about giving up ttc. It’s not going to work any time soon and all it will do is cost us money we don’t have. Even if we did get pregnant by some miracle we wouldn’t be able to afford it. I need to get myself mentally back to normal again as well. Maybe see the doctors to cut the edges from my thinking. We’ll see. I need to think :p
The good news in the post was a letter stating my decree of somethingorother will be going through on the 22nd November. This is the second to last stage of my divorce. Then I will be a legally single woman. Not actually single – I’m with Kim of course. But on paper I’ll be single. It’s good news. A glimmer of light in the darkness. Hopefully things will get sorted. Gpd I hope they get sorted.
So the day after my last post I decided to breath and just chill the fuck out. I died my hair (An amazing red I might add) and spent the day with friends just being normal again. I’ve decided to take a month off from TTC just to get my head back on straight. So no forums, no meds, no testing of anything. Just me and kim being a couple again. It seemed fair seen as we are approaching our 3 year anniversary. I guess it would be fair to him for me to be normal for at least a day.
And this is where the problems lie. I don’t want people worrying about me before I start. I don’t want the advice or the hugs or anything. I just want to continue like this post never happened. I’m posting it just for the sake of getting it out of my head as this is what the blog was meant for. I would scribble it in my diary book but then I don’t feel so much like I’m clearing my head and more just bottling it up further on paper.
I’m currently listening to a song by Pink Floyd called “The Final Cut”. It’s one my dad used to listen to and it’s one that has been in my collection since I was a teenager battling depression and attempting to appear normal. Some of the lyrics :
And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
This song after a long time has made it back on to the play list. I’m not at my lowest but I’m feeling pretty rough. I feel the only way I can get out of this is by doing something. In putting TTC on hold I’ve opened up the thoughts of so many other things which I need to sort. I need a job. I need one soon and I just don’t know what to do. I’m worrying about money even though Kim says we’re fine for now. We’ve cancelled our trip away this month due to finances and I sort of feel it is my fault by not trying hard enough. I need to lose weight. And not in a “oh no you don’t, you look amazing!” type way. I need to lose it in a “I’m not healthy and I’m just lying to myself” type way. I’ve asked my mum for my wiifit back as quite honestly I don’t want to go outside and she announces she has given it to my younger sister. The same one who in the most mature way blocked me on Facebook. Getting something from her will be impossible as she considers her life to be more important than anyone elses. Did I mention I tried to get her to sell my wedding dress for me. Gave her money for postage and she didn’t bother. Leant her money when she was going through a rough time at uni. Did she pay it back? Fuck no. Now she doesn’t even have time to reply to a message online. Fucking pathetic.
I’d go over and get it myself but we can’t afford flights. I’m getting tired of living off Kim and my mind is running in cycles that can’t be seen as healthy. I think he and everyone I know would be happier without me. But I know it would hurt them more if I left. I can’t admit this to any of them though as just seeming like this is a strain on them. Something which they could do without. At the end of the day it’s coming down to which is the greater pain. Having me around bringing them down or me just leaving. I have this romantic notion of just walking out of the house one day and never coming back. Not telling anyone where I have gone in an attempt to find myself. That will never happen. I don’t want to admit this but I think I need help.
Old vices are lurking in my head. They appear every now and again and I get through them, I even asked my sister for advice last time. She ignored me. They’re creeping back again. I just feel that everything is my fault. I left my last job, I haven’t found a new job, I’m just leaching in existence. Everything I do just isn’t good enough. I can’t even do whats meant to be natural. I have no purpose. I’m sorry everyone, I just don’t feel like me right now.