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All posts for the month December, 2012

Recap of a year

Published December 20, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So 2012 is nearly up. Either by new year or the end of the world. So I figured it’s time for a re-cap as to what has happened this year.

Jan – Moved to new team and new shift (Without Kim due to admin fuck ups which couldn’t be sorted – yet another problem after 9 months of problems there)

March – Told I wouldn’t be getting the promotion I had been asking about for 9 months due to this being a new manager not willing to take the risk and tick 1 fucking box for me. Queue me handing in my notice as enough was enough. 1 week later redundancies are announced and because my notice has already been handed in I’m not eligible. Thanks for 3 1/2 years work gtfo.

April – Kim takes redundancies and we hope to move to Denmark for a new life.

May – This doesn’t happen. We both go to sign on to the welfare and find new jobs in Ireland. Kim gets the welfare instantly as he chose redundancy, I get screwed because I handed in my notice and didn’t get 20k for it.

In this point of the year the months fly by. We lose Broed and the welfare are still fucking me about. This time they’ve said I won’t get it and they’ll send me a letter saying why. I’ve started voluntary work and applied for college in the hope of becoming a vet. The voluntary work then goes tits up and 18 other “volunteers” (who are being paid by the college) start working there. I then spend my days holding a broom and trying to avoid conversation with the morons.

September – I find out that my college course hasn’t accepted me and didn’t even have the common decency to let me know, I pay for an evening course in one of the modules. I also get in touch with the welfare again who ask me to give them proof I’m looking for a job along with a dr’s note that says I’m fit to work. Well why am I looking for a job if I’m apparently not legal to work anyways? I tell them I won’t bring it as it makes no sense. I visit them and they refuse to allow my claim as I don’t have the dr’s note. They also put up arguments about my voluntary work and college course. Any point raised against them mearly results with a smug government attitude telling to speak to the minister. I tell her where to shove her claim. We also lose Oegle.

November – We lose Flyve. After so long I finally get an interview/ telephone interview. The telephone interviewer does not even call me. The live interview does not happen as the previously booked taxi wrote the wrong time. They thought we meant 12.45 at night the next day and not the logical 12.45 in the afternoon. I try to reschedule the interview and get the “we’ll let you know”…They never do.

December – I get a telephone interview, it goes well, I get a live interview, it goes well, They check my references and spend an hour on the phone with each of them making sure I’m capable of the job which I know I am. I don’t tell anyone as the sight of the “oh that sucks look” from people who don’t understand at all how destroying it is to exist as a burden is just not something I want to see. 2 days later I get a template email saying thanks but no thanks.

In this year I finally started infertility treatments. We’re currently on 1year 7 months and 2 days of TTC. I’ve done 1 month of Clomid. We can’t afford any more months currently as I don’t have a job. This last interview I had, had so much riding on it. It would have solved all the problems. But yet again at the last moment something out of my control fucked it up. In the new year I’ll be seeing the dr to get that note saying I’m fine to work but I’ll also be asking him for a prescription for Prozac as my head really is not where it should be right now. This isn’t something that can be fixed by a simple day out avoiding the problems. This can only be fixed by something good coming my way. A christmas miracle. That or the end of the world.

Here’s to 2013 and the forgetting of a shit 2012.

 

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – William E. Vaughan

Jumble mumble

Published December 14, 2012 by reachandflexibility

I want to write today but I’m not sure what about. I wanted to write about the end of the world, I wanted to write about hope but as I started typing I held back and deleted it. I’m at a very confusing time in my life right now. I don’t know where I’m going or what anything will lead to. All I know is that I want something good to come my way. I was caught by a http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chugger the other day who said good things would come my way as I seemed like a good person. I really want to believe him but as ever doubt creeps into my mind. And with doubt comes despair. I don’t want to hope for anything as I’m tired of being let down. I mentioned this a while back and the reply I got was along the lines of “well why bother with anything then?”. I wonder this myself sometimes in the darker moments of my thought. My conclusion, I’m too stubborn to give up. I’ve come too far now to just hang everything up and end things.

I realise what minor things I have are actually important things to me, and things that make me happy are not worth losing. If bad news keeps coming my way then so be it. So long as it is just bad news for me then I guess it means others are being spared it and they are getting good news. I wonder why me but hopefully it means my time will come soon. Life is just a collection of moments, some bad, some good. You can’t have it good all the time.

Maybe the world will end on the 21st. Everything will be vaporised into nothing and everyone and everything will be on the same page. Everyone equal for the first time in history. Fairness in destruction. Balance of the force if you’ll accept my nerdy meaning. I don’t want the world to end as I sort of have a lot to get done while I’m here but if it does I guess I won’t mind so much as there will no longer be any problems. No need to hope. No need to be let down. Just peace.

Sorry for this rather unstructured post, my mind is a jumble of thoughts currently. I guess I’m trying to find logic in the madness.

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived

Dead Poets Society

Like an onion…

Published December 5, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Well haven’t posted in a while as got stressed and well tired of complaining. AF showed after 7 days of spotting. Not the odd 1 or 2 days like she has done in the past but 7 days spotting and 2 days later than expected. Thanks for that body. But anyways with the unexpected news of the royals and their new sprog due I figured I’d give people and insight into how envy plays a part in my little TTC life. They did something about it on the TV a few weeks back but it was this attention whore of a celebrity and so no-one really paid attention. This post will be about why I react the way I do to some people’s news and not the same to others.

When it comes to others getting pregnant (Which they seem to do with the greatest of ease) how I react will be based on my own little judgement scheme. It’s not the most logical but for some reason it always happens. I’ll start at the top:

1- The ones who get the ok from me. These will be people who have been trying for a long while for their first. They are the ones who I will happily keep up with the beta’s and the scan photos and the worries and excitements of pregnancy. In my world I guess they deserve what they have been given. I honestly feel happy when they announce their BFP’s. It reminds me that anything is possible and gives me hope in the darkest times.

2 – People who will get a Gz from me but I will pang with jealousy when I first see the news. These are people who are having their first or those who had trouble trying to get the second, people who I don’t really know. Who have jobs and are in stable relationships. I guess Kate and Will fall under this category. I have my jealous moment but like everyone else I’m sort of happy for them. This also includes an ex-collegue who just announced her pregnancy and who I found myself pondering over being happy for and wasn’t sure why this was different to the other 4 I had been exposed to in 1 day.

3 – People who are on their 2nd+ with no trouble. Now that’s not really fair is it? Why do they get more than 1? Where’s my 1? This includes 3 of the people who announced on Facebook recently. They don’t get likes on their posts and I’ve blocked their news feeds for the next 6 months as quite simply I don’t want to hear it all. Yes good for them and all but really? Could you not have waited a year or so. Could fate not have come my way and maybe said “well since you’ve waited so patiently, it’s now your turn, they can wait.”? Oh well….

4 – People on their 2nd+ who have the relationship problems. You know the kind. Soandso is now single, Soandso is now in a relationship, Soandso says it’s complicated. So you’re telling me that you got pregnant by accident (Well it’s not going to involve trying if you’re not together for longer than a week) and you can’t even hold together a relationship with that person. Are you fucking stupid or something???? Now this isn’t a dig at single parents at all. Must be tough for them. This is a dig at the ones who don’t even know what basic contraception is. This was the 5th announcement on my Facebook. She has since been removed out of anger.

5 – Scum. This is the final layer of jealousy. A lot of people from the 4th layer actually fall into this layer. This is the no jobs on either side/ kids from 6 different parents / no morales type scum. Or chavs. Yeah chavs covers it much better. I honestly don’t care if they’re carrying the saviour of the universe. They’re scum and should have had an IQ test before they were allowed to breed. If they failed it they should have been sterilised. Like rats, all of them.

As you can see the envy is made of layers of judgement. Uninformed judgement in most cases but it’s what works for me. If people don’t like the way I react then they can happily inform me on where I’m wrong on their lives. I guess it’s why I’m so open on mine. So that when the judgement comes from others (Which it will) I can stand there and understand their reactions without question.

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example… uh… ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave ’em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs…
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don’t care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait’s gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet