180.2lbs. That’s what I weighed in at this morning. I am so damn close to the 179 healthy BMI. I had a few weeks of relaxing as the summer holidays began but the last 2 weeks or so I’ve been back and better than ever. This makes a total of 64lbs down.
So achievements. I’ve spent 1 1/2 weeks internet free. It was meant to be 3 weeks but it slowly crept back in and I’m a slave to it. It’s my lifeline to the world. In that time I’ve :
Managed to finish “Futuristic Violence and Fancy Suits” by David Wong. Good if you’re into that sort of thing which I am.
I’ve started reading “The Fifth Mountain” by Paulo Coelho, which is a very different genre from the other but still one I would recommend.
I’ve completed Persona 3. Took me 3 attempts to get through this as I just kept losing interest but I finally did it.
I’ve started crocheting again. They’re not completed projects but its a start after months away.
I’ve started writing again. Well I say writing. For our Pathfinder game, I’m the group’s Bard so I’m keeping track of the weekly adventures. It’s good fun. Very accurate….
I’ve finished, that’s right FINISHED C25K! Yesterday, in the rain, I managed 5km in 34 minutes. It was probably the first run where I actually had a pace rather than just dragging my legs along and it felt so good.
I’ve spent time with my husband and daughter. We’ve done trips to the beach, the zoo and on the train to a town not too far from us.
It’s been great. It’s been a long few weeks due to the demands of a 3-year-old but it’s been nice having the whole family together. We were preparing for Beth to go back to school on Monday but it looks like it may be a few more weeks together as today she has come down with chickenpox. So far she seems fine, just spotty but we’re pretty prepared. What we are not sure about is whether I’ve had it before or not so it should be a fun few weeks.
Soon though I’ll be back for my second year of university and I’m so excited so go back. Sad of me I know, most people savor the holidays but I need the routine and the pressure of deadlines to keep my mind active. And not only that but I’ll be doing my first teaching practice soon. Excited!!!
December 31st 2016 (244lbs) – April 30th 2017 (201lbs)
That’s right. I’m still at it. As of today I’m at 194lbs so down a total of 50lbs. All through counting calories and working out. I eat around 1600 calories a day and track using myfitnesspal. For the gym I lift weights and do a bit of cycling to warm up. That’s 3 days a week. For the rest of the week I’m either walking the dog or being lazy. Today though I started c25k (its exhausting but I ran!)
I feel good. I’m sleeping better, when I’m not stressing about exams that is. I still get to eat what I want, just within moderation. And its all because of a little self control and discipline. I thought it would be harder. Like with pcos, you’re told that it’s practically impossible to lose weight and yet here I am. 50lbs down in 6 months. I thought it would be the impossible. People I know are saying I’m inspiring and quite honestly. I’m not sure why. It really is that easy to do…
Next goal is 179. That makes me a healthy bmi. For the first time since I was a preteen I’m sure. The last time I remember being weighed was at 21 and I was about 230lbs then… I’ve always been big. I’m very curious as to how my body is going to look in…jesus 15lbs…That’s really not that far at all. Still can’t get over how easy this has been. Where’s the catch?
So I was going to update each week with our this weight loss thing was going. And then I got busy with university and parenting and you know life. But, good news! I’m still going strong.
I started January at 244lbs. Currently on March 2nd, after a week of being ill and my body holding all water weight, I’m 217! 27lbs down in total. The first 16 just dropped off me after I started to count my calories.the rest have been a slow rate of about 1-2 per week.
I also joined a gym like I said I would. I’m going 3 times a week for about an hour each time. This includes 20 minutes+ of cycling and then weight training afterwards. I’m really enjoying it. On weekends im walking the dog and I look forward to doing things. Not just sitting around watching TV.
It’s actually been very easy. I’m still enjoying some treats every now and again. But instead of buying every cake that I see, I’m actually making the choice as to whether they are worth it. I’m rewarding myself with new t shirts and things to help me instead of food.
The only hard part has been that my immune system has taken a beating. I finally had to give in this week and rest. I was back in the gym today but damn could I feel the break.
I need to add a progress picture as near on 30lbs has made a bit of a difference to my appearance, at least to my university friends anyways. Seriously so many questions and compliments. I’m not used to it at all.
But yeah, things are going really well. Here’s hoping to another loss soon!
So my scales arrived and guess what! I was 10kg less than my midwife appointment 3 years ago so instead og starting this journey at 121kg, I’m starting it at 110kg! (244lbs for the Americans!).
This does make my calories a little lower for the days (I’m going by recommended TDEE, not just 1200 crazy) but it’s not so bad when I work out my meals. I’ve been finding some good recipes on google and reddit so last week got to try quinoa for the first time and suprisingly enjoyed it! My problem comes in the evenings when the meals are a little heavier and a little later than I could do with, but its something I’m willing to do so that me and my husband can enjoy time together. I just make sure to add it all in for the day and cut back.
At university this is easier as I’m kept busy and my mind always occupied but at home I’m driving crazy with boredom and as such with unneeded hunger. I’ve tidied my house this week, just to give me something productive to do. The joys of having a toddler means I can’t actually do anything I want to do. Crochet? Nope, she wants my yarn and hooks. PC? She’s escaped to try and kill herself with something. At least I’m running around after her then.
But Wednesday will be weigh in day and I’m excited. I’ll admit this week hasn’t been easy on some days. Just feeling like shit from the diet change. But other days I have felt amazing, So much energy, So happy. I’ve even signed up for a 5 week challenge for accountibility!
Haven’t updated since August. I’ve simply been too busy. I have even had to make a timetable for when I can fit things into my life.
University is going very well. There was a hiccup at the start where I worried how I was going to manage it all along with being a parent but after some tips from a student counsellor I’ve settled in nicely. I’m completing assignments on time and even managing the fuck tonne of required reading (though with Christmas things have slowed down).
I’ve met a load of different people from all around the world and learnt so much about their backgrounds and cultures. Countries which before, I had little knowledge about.
I’m enjoying the subjects too. Though currently there is a lot of theory and I’m worried how it will work in practice but my friends seem confident so I will just hope for the best.
Beth is doing well. Her speech has picked up incredibly over the last month or so. She loved Christmas and has gained an obsession with dinosaurs. She’s still as loud and as active as ever though.
The active side will do me good though. I’m treating 2017 as the year I get shit done. Starting with myself.
It’s been 2 weeks since I had my last fizzy drink and yesterday I started my healthy eating. The last time I focussed like this it worked and then I got pregnant. So time to focus again. And for the first time in 20 years I’m going to own a pair of scales. Horray for new years as they were on sale very cheap. I’m going to do this. I have my before pictures taken and my apps installed and if my timetable allows it in February I will join a gym up town and start on that side of things. I’m not going to go crazy and rush into things, trying to change every little aspect of my life. That won’t work with me. I’m taking it bit by bit. Slowly merging it into my life so that it just becomes the norm. The only thing I wish was that I had a little more support from people around me. So hopefully this blog will probably become that base. Mostly so I don’t bore the pants off my husband (we got married in September by the way! I’ll post more of that at a later date).
So yeah, the old cliche. New year, new me. Well a more disciplined version of me anyways. And if anyone would like to join me on this journey then please do. As it’s going to be a long fucking journey. (No seriously. The last weigh in I had was when I was 12 weeks pregnant, 3 years ago! and I was a BMI of 39…) Long…Fucking…Journey…
I passed the interview. Starting the 1st September, I will be doing a 4 year degree in teaching. I’m just so full of different feelings right now. Excited, nervous, unsure but determined.
I have a goal now, a life again, something to aim for and to focus on. I feel like a person again. I feel like me again.
To give you all a backstory I finished my GCSE’s with good grades but at 17 went off the rails and flunked my AS’. I managed 3 U’s and an E in psychology. The only reason I managed that was because I had a panic attack and got seated by myself for the exam where I could focus and relax. I dropped out shortly after that and went straight into a working life. No qualifications for me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I went back to college and found out within 2 weeks of being there that I was pregnant with our long awaited daughter. I aced the 1st year despite the tough pregnancy, 3 weeks after the exams had Beth and then 4 months later we unexpectedly moved to Denmark. I never even started my second year. I just became a mother and nothing else. I never regained any sense of purpose. Only that sense of jumping through hopes to try and achieve anything.
But I’ve finally got it now. And I don’t want to lose this. I will do my best to get through this, to work hard, to be a good mother, to be a good role model to my little girl. To be a good wife to the man I love. I owe him that much after all these years of him supporting us. I can do this. I know it,
I have no options right now. I woke up to an email where the phrase “Based on what you describe, you do not fulfill the above-mentioned requirements.” was used twice. A gentle reminder that the decision I made 10 years to drop out of college was here to stay. My only choice, learn Danish well enough to pass the equivalent of the A levels here and then apply again. It can’t be done. I’ve gone through 16 teachers at my sprogskole now. I’m still unable to hold a conversation with someone. Why bother?
So my other option is to find work in an area I have no interest in. Back to customer service or worse. Some dead end shelf stacking job. And that’s provided they want me in English. Which they won’t as why hire someone who doesn’t speak the local language when the locals speak English just as well. The kommune were nice enough to change how much money I get. Which in turn changed our other levels of income. Meaning we’re now worse off each month. And then they expect me to pay for transport to jobs I couldn’t care less about. Transport they also raised the cost of.
I’m pissed. I have to have a meeting today with the kommune who will ask me what my aims are. Currently they are to try not to tear off the heads of any person who thinks this has an easy solution. Like “Do you just want to move back to the UK?”. I’m not even justifying that with a fucking answer.
I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alienated and alone. Working in an area I don’t want to. Among people I share nothing in common with. Not even the language.
I recently started seeing an psychiatrist. He determined I worry too much. And then I justify my worrying and then end up in a cycle stressed out. Yes I do that. I admit it. I see myself doing it right now. But how do you stop with something like this? Should I be apathetic to the situation? Should I be proactive and then be shot down at every corner and just accept it? I am just so fucking angry with this whole situation! This was supposed to be the better life. And it’s just fucked. It’s fucked for me. It’s better for Beth. It’s better for Kim. I’m alone and fucked though. And I refuse to accept it, but all I get told is to calm the fuck down. “We’ll find a way.” “You’re doing great at your Danish.” “don’t worry”.
Today marks my 4 year anniversary of blogging. It’s been a wild ride. From infertility to parenting, work to studying to unemployment, Ireland to Denmark. It doesn’t seem to slow down here. Today I’m trying to find some purpose as usual. My life of solely parenting and useless language lessons has finally got to me. I need to have something to aim for. The lessons are not near good enough and my Danish is still terrible. Like seriously, I can’t even say a simple sentence. There is simply no point me ever speaking it as people speak English anyways.Yes, I know, excuses,excuses but come and be me for a week and see how it is. Me and Kim have been over it a hundred times but I have to be honest with myself. It’s not working. I will not be able to speak this language let alone go to university and study a degree. If I spend at least another year learning it in school then it will be 8 years before I graduate. I’ll be 37. I hate to say it but I don’t want to be a burden that long. I’ve been it long enough already. And Kim might say otherwise. But I’m the one who’s doing this and I have to do something. I have to feel like I’m accomplishing something. I’ve started showing off my crochet work in a hope that someone will buy from me but again realistically that won’t pay well enough. Especially when Facebook limits how much you can show off your work. You have to pay to boost your posts. I’m sorry, but fuck you Facebook.
So I’m left trying to find something I can accomplish over here. I looked at Open University but even with their pay as you go system it’s still too costly for us to afford. I’ve looked at Roskilde University but with the mix of random qualifications I have, it seems I may still not be able to take any of their courses. I’d basically have to still do the high school 2 years here before I could even think of university and of course those courses are in Danish. Talk about a big load of regret being rubbed in my face for not just doing it when I was 17. I don’t like regretting things, everything happens for a reason but fucking hell. If I had just finished my A Levels then I wouldn’t be stuck in this shitstorm right now.
And then there is the issue of Beth, Can I even take a full-time course at a university while taking care of her. Yes there is childcare, but there is also travelling to and from to get her, there’s homework, studying at home, the list goes on. Can that be done when you don’t have family or friends around to help?
Currently I’m just waiting on answers from various people about my options. It’s Easter break though so I don’t expect replies any time soon. I could speak to my work lady at the job center but she already hates the fact that I don’t speak Danish fluently enough to get whatever backwards job she has lined up for me. Like seriously, I want to work but gravedigger is not exactly my preferred choice. As always I’m waiting on others before I can do something myself.
So I’ve not updated in nearly a year. It just slips my mind and finding the time with a now 19 month old is difficult. Especially between savoring the times she’s asleep.
Things have gotten easier as she has gotten older but for the last 3 months we’ve been in the world of tantrums and technology obsession. She has to have the tv, or the pc or the iPad if she sees them. She can access most games on them with no prompting from me. It’s a worry but how can I be a hypocrite and say no when the first thing I do in the morning is check my phone updates? She also has a few words now. An amount that I shouldn’t worry about as they all figure it out at some point. These consist of “up”, “hi” and of course “video”. Everything else is whinging or dragging you to whatever it is she wants.
She now loves the water. Considering the screams we had for baths when she was younger you can’t keep her away now. She still hates water on her head so hair washing is a pain but it’s better than her not getting in the bath at all.
She sleeps through and naps well for 2-3 hours which is a nice break for me to recharge my batteries for the next round. She doesn’t sit still ever. Maybe 5 minutes at most before she is up again. She climbs everything. Chairs have been removed from the table as she will climb on there. Leave her for 2 seconds and she will be at the highest point she can be. It’s nerve wracking. Nursery rhyme videos if the correct one for her mood will hypnotize her (and i do mean she will ignore everything around her, no matter what it is) for an astounding hour but I hate to do that. It’s not parenting to put your child in front of the TV all the time.
She eats now. Not meat which she will selectively pick out of her food but she’s on solids. Something that took a very long time for both her and me to deal with. She didn’t start weaning onto real solids until 9 months old. I was too terrified she’d choke and she just didn’t seem ready in my eyes. She is picky though like any toddler. Or selectively picky it seems. If it’s yours then she wants it. If it’s hers it will be on the floor or in the dog.
Shes probably like any other toddler. I have nothing to compare her to so I just assume she is. Her tantrums and reactions to sound/light toys worry me. She headbutts the floor and hits things when she doesn’t get her way. She hysterically screams if something is too much for her. She hates people. She has a scowl worthy of her father if anyone (even a child) comes near her. People in public result in her either sitting on the floor until they pass or clinging onto my leg for dear life. Sometimes we may get lucky and she will run through crowds of people but the scowling is more often a reaction. She’s been at school nearly a year now and still responds with hysterics when dropped off in the morning. These end pretty quickly once I leave but it’s just more struggle each morning. Her teacher even asked about her talking as she refused to make sounds to the carers there. Not even babbling. She has improved but only with time there. She’s most likely the way she is because we live so far away but quite frankly I don’t want to socialise with people. I share nothing in common with people. Even those with children. Very rarely do I meet someone I can chat to without feeling fake and like an outsider. Maybe she is the same way.
To be honest my life in Denmark is complicated at times. I sometimes wonder if we’d be happier in the UK but I know we wouldn’t. The food is shit, the people are idiots, the jobs would all be the same. And then you have the politics of my family to deal with as well as the unfairness to Kim and Pup. And then cost of uprooting again and it’s all not worth it. I know my problem here is the language. I’m isolated further because I’m not one of them. I’m further the outsider I would normally be. I can’t find a job until I learn it. My dream of going to university seems more impossible with every setback to my school. Whether it be illness, weather (we’ve been snowed/iced in), the terrible organisation by the school etc… Since august I’ve learnt little more than I have on Duolingo and I still can’t have a basic conversation with anyone as I can’t “hear” what they are actually saying. It’s like the words they say are different to the words that exist on paper. I hope and yet dread Beth learning it. Because I know if she does she will just be further away from me than she already feels. I’m lonely. I dream of being home and yet I have no home. I guess what I really dream of is a purpose where I matter. Because right now I don’t.
I am one of 4 daughters. Growing up was reasonably good but there were times I wished I was an only child. School trips we couldn’t always afford, the competition for attention. The usual that comes from being a large family. There were of course the other times of company to play with and fun Christmases but mostly it was a clusterfuck of jealousy from what I remember. Especially once I entered my teenage years.
I mention all this because as Beth is now nearing a year old, the questions spring up of “do you plan on having another?” or “don’t you think she would like a little brother or sister?”. I seem to be in 2 minds about the answer to give currently. If you had asked me when Beth was 12 weeks old, the answer would have been a resounding NO! Ask me now and I have to weigh up options. I was thinking over it again last night and when I asked myself the real question of “Well, why do you want a second child?” My immediate reaction was “Well, I don’t really”. That should be the answer that matters and yet why does my mind sit and think I could go through it all again?
I hated trying to get pregnant (Well I enjoyed one aspect of course) but the obsession and let down and the time it took were too much to cope with.
I hated being pregnant. The morning sickness for 30 weeks and heartburn for 32 weeks were shit. The sheer exhaustion and I cant even claim I was doing anything too strenuous. College is not difficult if you stay organised. Trying to do is all again with what would be a toddler sounds like a nightmare though.
Childbirth, The one area that most repeat mothers would dread is not a concern to me. Except for perhaps how quick it would be. That sort of freaks me out a little but not enough for me to say I wouldn’t want to do it again. Like chances are I’d either need to be in the hospital the moment a twinge happened or go for the home birth. Not something I’m too confident with.
After childbirth though is something I don’t even want to think about. The sleepless nights, the crying. Oh so much crying. The physical pain and the trying to return back to normality. And this goes on for months. Almost a year down the line and I don’t sleep properly. She may wake for a feed and if she doesn’t I wake worried that she hasn’t even stirred. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to be as depressed as I was again.
And then there are the future plans. Me learning this damn language and providing for our family properly. It will take time and energy. Something I wont have with a toddler and a new baby.
You may wonder then why I even contemplate it all again. I certainly have enough reasons not to. It’s because looking at Beth something stirs in me. An urge to do it all again. Something I can’t explain. When she was around 6 months I finally understood the loving feeling that mothers had described. And now each time I look at her I get that same feeling. Yesterday she finally started saying mama after months of only dada. And my heart swells each time she says it. I can’t explain what I want by going through it all again. I don’t want another child. I have my perfect child. I have my little miracle. I guess this is just something primal that doesn’t make sense in today’s world. Will she have any siblings? Not any time soon. Is it even an option? More so than it was. At least in my head anyways. Maybe I just need another basset hound.