I want to moan and rant today. I’ve got up on the wrong side of the bed and want to complain about my friend’s pregnancy. I want to rant about the lack of jobs in this country and the fear that I might not get back into college despite trying so hard for it. But I feel I can’t. I don’t know why but I’ve also got up with a feeling that nobody really cares and they don’t want to listen to me voice my woes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over them so many times that I now sound like a stuck record or maybe it’s because they really don’t care. I know they’re not worried anyways but something would be nice. Some sign that they care and realise this is actually important to me. The same sign they gave to someone else not too long ago over something that was important to them.
I’m tired of feeling alone with all this. I’m tired of dr’s not being knowledgeable enough to help me. I’m tired of the clinic being so fucking expensive that we can’t get help from them. I’m tired of fighting an uphill battle on everything in my life but I’m too fucking stubborn to give up. But most of all I really am tired of feeling like I’m fighting this battle by myself. That everything seems to be coming down to what I want to do. How do I want to fix it? Or do I just want to let the motions keep going and maybe one day some miracle will happen? I’ve tried forums where I feel like an outcast even with women trying for as long as me. I’ve tried blogs and though some of you get it and understand in the last 6 months most of my blog universe has got pregnant or has even had their child. I’ve yet again been left behind. So far I’ve only felt a connection to one person and she already has a little boy. She’ll have trouble with the second and she’ll navigate the NHS and she’ll get a second. I know she will. And I’ll be left behind again. I’ll be fighting this battle alone again.
Infertility sucks. It takes up all of your life. Every day you will think at least once how you can solve it. How you can control it, but you can’t. Everything you thought you knew about being a woman suddenly becomes distorted. You find you’re different and you can’t relate to anyone around you. It’s taboo to voice your worries because nobody wants to hear the sob story. They all want the surprise happy ending. People can’t relate and so they just ignore you. You start grasping at straws hoping to find the thing that will solve your problems. OPK’s, vits, strange diets, positive thinking, God… And then when that all fails you’re off for science, being turned into a petri dish of cells and put under the micro-scope every month. And when that doesn’t work. Who are you? You’re not a mother, you’re not the supposed pinnacle of womanhood. You’re barren. You’re the mean old aunt told in fairy tales, the witch in the forest, the statistic. You’re nothing and so people ignore you even had a problem. They just accept that you didn’t want children or you left it too late. Your struggle never existed. And it is a struggle. So why do so many of us go through this alone? I’m tired of feeling alone with it.
I apologise for the long-winded moan but I just needed to get this out of my system. The blog is the only place I can do this and actually feel like I’m being heard by someone. At least I can’t see them zone off half way through a sentence anyways. I’ll find a solution to this by myself as usual. It will get sorted.
Mr.James: You are what is medically known as non-specifically infertile. Or to give it its full scientific description, we do not have a bloody clue.
So after my post the other day I started to look into adoption as a serious option to go along with. I can’t see my body working any time, if ever and so I have to be realistic. I found an info evening that they hold at the end of every month and from there you can see if you want to go down that route and get applying. Well I’ve set us up for the end of March. Kim is ok with it all but at the same time he has his doubts about adoption. He says he’s not sure what they are though. 1 thing he knows is that he would like a child similar to us. He feels that we are reasonably intelligent people. Well he’s reasonably intelligent, I’m just mental, but that he wouldn’t want to father a child that was well stupid… I said you could genetically end up with a child who was stupid it’s just how things happen and not to be so picky. I can understand his reservations with it but I’ve always known having a family has been more important to me than him anyways so I’m not worrying too badly. I do sort of wish he could get as involved as I do sometimes but the fact that he wants children with me is good enough.
So I started my research and very quickly came into some large walls. We’re not married yet though we do plan to get married hopefully in the near future. This means if we were to apply now we would only be able to do it as a sole applicant being me. This prevents us applying to a lot of countries. Domestic adoption seems to be out of the window as there is barely any information on it and just not many of them happen at all. I’m not sure why and maybe I can find out more on the information evening. If we got married then we can apply to a few more but it seems some of the countries I had my eye on just won’t do adoptions anymore (Russia for instance).
Then there is the cost. Now I’ll be honest, I knew it would cost but I sort of expected it to be manageable and not as scary a price as IVF. Now IVF I’ve already said I won’t do. As much as I love science I don’t think I could handle it if it failed and with the finances we have we couldn’t do more than 1 cycle. All my hopes pinned on 1 try that might fall through before we even got a TWW. It’s just not something I could do. Huge respect to all the women who have, are and will go through it. I wish you all the luck in the world. But yes costs. It appears that apart from the general travel, paperwork and such there are fees involved just to keep the governments happy. Fee’s that can vary from manageable to “holy shit are you kidding me? I would’ve bought a whole new car for that.” – This scares me as I’ve never been a person for savings. The most I have is in my piggy bank and even then I can’t fit 10,000 euros in him. I don’t know how we will manage this at all.
Then there comes the issue of the wait. 3 years is about the average. After a year and a half of trying to have a child naturally this seems like a huge amount of time on top. I wonder if the people in charge realise that there are children being kept waiting and not just the parents. I understand they need a good home and checks need to be done but why aren’t there the same rules in place for people who breed naturally? I’m tired of seeing stories of people abusing their kids and of leaving them to starve. It’s not really fair. But then again life isn’t fair.
It seems that adoption is becoming less of an option the more I look into it but I’m still going to go to the information evening. We can’t be the only ones who question the system this way. All we want to do is have a family and give our love to a child that will be ours. Is that too much to ask?
“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.”
So currently on CD16 after starting on the pill and AF shows. My body aches and I have no idea why. I’m going to just forget the pill if my body is going to be messed up anyways. Why take it if I don’t ovulate and don’t have sustainable hormone levels? I’ve been trying to accept that I may never have children of my own and it’s a strange feeling. I’ve only once felt let down by it all and that was when we saw a scan on the TV happening. Like I might never experience that. I might never see that heartbeat or that little baby wriggling around. I could adopt but I’d miss out on one of the biggest experiences life has to offer. I guess I just don’t think that is fair. I’m trying to remain optimistic about things going on around me but it’s tricky at times especially when I don’t know how things will pan out.
I decided to stay in Ireland for my birthday instead of travelling back home as planned. With costs and being between my mum’s/dad’s it just wasn’t easy. Instead I spent the day with Kim eating Thai food (and even surprise choccy brownie with a candle) and relaxed all day. It was really all I could ask for. My 26th birthday come and gone with no big celebration. I’m thankful for that as quite frankly I don’t want to get any older. It’s not something people seem to understand but I think it’s because it’s been drilled in to me along the line somewhere that everything sort of goes downhill after 30. At 30 you’re expected to have children and be married and have a full-time career and well I have none of that and the clock is just ticking away without giving me a chance to catch up. Instead I’m 26, getting divorced, unemployed and possibly going back to school a decade too late and struggling with infertility. This sort of isn’t how I planned for things to happen but then again when has my life ever gone to plan?
But oh well. My birthday went well and I got to spend it with the man I love. And that’s all I could really ask for. I made my birthday wish and with any hope that will come true. Until then I will just go through the motions, making the most of the things I do have in my life. A perfect other half, amazing friends and family and a dog that will eat my socks. And hey, if I’m lucky a miracle might come my way some time…
And oh yeah “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”