I haven’t posted much since my update on the adoption. I’ve been going over in my mind whether it is worth starting the process or whether we should just keep going as we are. I’m leaning more to just keep trying and hoping but I have this wierd feeling. I feel like I’m mourning something I’ve not even lost yet. I’m mourning birthdays that will never happen, events I will never be a part of. I’m mourning a family I will never have. And it’s confusing because I still have some hope for the future.
I think this feeling has come from the fact that it’s been a year since I was last pregnant in any way or form. It was a year today actually that I found out I was pregnant before my loss a few days later and for those few days I felt anxious but amazing. It was that little bit of hope I needed to keep me going even when it went away. I guess because I knew it might happen again and things might have been ok. But it’s been a year now and nothing. Even with clomid and blood tests there has still be nothing. No glimmer of hope. I think I’m mourning my hope now more than anything. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way but the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all” means something more to me. I used to hate when people would say to me “at least you can get pregnant”. I used to cringe and think to myself, yeah maybe I can but I didn’t want to lose it. Slowly I have found myself drifting to their way of thinking. I wish right now that I could at least get pregnant. I wish I could be excited for that short while even if nervous because I would be over the first hurdle and could let myself hope further. If I lost the child I could still hope for another one knowing that it actually might happen again. I could feel sympathy for myself for the way I was feeling. I could actually mourn a real loss. I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone. Nobody should go through it but in my twisted mind I guess I feel what all those people said to me so long ago. “At least you can get pregnant”. For these thoughts I feel guilty and I’m sorry.
I feel stressed by all this. I’m trying to carry on as normal but it’s at the back of my mind. I feel like a I need a plan. An idea of what is to come that I’m sure will happen. I’ve spent to long living in a “we’ll see” type mentality and it’s making me more on edge everyday. I need to relax. I need to get away from everything.
“If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I’d definitely choose a heart because at least you’d do something. If you’re a brain, at the end of the day all you’re really good at is settling for shitty situations.”
George – Dead Like Me