TTC

All posts tagged TTC

Siblings

Published April 23, 2015 by reachandflexibility

I am one of 4 daughters. Growing up was reasonably good but there were times I wished I was an only child. School trips we couldn’t always afford, the competition for attention. The usual that comes from being a large family. There were of course the other times of company to play with and fun Christmases but mostly it was a clusterfuck of jealousy from what I remember. Especially once I entered my teenage years.

I mention all this because as Beth is now nearing a year old, the questions spring up of “do you plan on having another?” or “don’t you think she would like a little brother or sister?”. I seem to be in 2 minds about the answer to give currently. If you had asked me when Beth was 12 weeks old, the answer would have been a resounding NO! Ask me now and I have to weigh up options. I was thinking over it again last night and when I asked myself the real question of “Well, why do you want a second child?” My immediate reaction was “Well, I don’t really”. That should be the answer that matters and yet why does my mind sit and think I could go through it all again?

I hated trying to get pregnant (Well I enjoyed one aspect of course) but the obsession and let down and the time it took were too much to cope with.

I hated being pregnant. The morning sickness for 30 weeks and heartburn for 32 weeks were shit. The sheer exhaustion and I cant even claim I was doing anything too strenuous. College is not difficult if you stay organised. Trying to do is all again with what would be a toddler sounds like a nightmare though.

Childbirth, The one area that most repeat mothers would dread is not a concern to me. Except for perhaps how quick it would be. That sort of freaks me out a little but not enough for me to say I wouldn’t want to do it again. Like chances are I’d either need to be in the hospital the moment a twinge happened or go for the home birth. Not something I’m too confident with.

After childbirth though is something I don’t even want to think about. The sleepless nights, the crying. Oh so much crying. The physical pain and the trying to return back to normality. And this goes on for months. Almost a year down the line and I don’t sleep properly. She may wake for a feed and if she doesn’t I wake worried that she hasn’t even stirred.  I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to be as depressed as I was again.

And then there are the future plans. Me learning this damn language and providing for our family properly. It will take time and energy. Something I wont have with a toddler and a new baby.

You may wonder then why I even contemplate it all again. I certainly have enough reasons not to.  It’s because looking at Beth something stirs in me. An urge to do it all again. Something I can’t explain. When she was around 6 months I finally understood the loving feeling that mothers had described. And now each time I look at her I get that same feeling. Yesterday she finally started saying mama after months of only dada. And my heart swells each time she says it. I can’t explain what I want by going through it all again. I don’t want another child. I have my perfect child. I have my little miracle. I guess this is just something primal that doesn’t make sense in today’s world. Will she have any siblings? Not any time soon. Is it even an option? More so than it was. At least in my head anyways. Maybe I just need another basset hound. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

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One Smug Mother.

Published June 5, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Disclaimer : If you had a horrible labor and can’t stand the sound of someone who didn’t I would advise not to read on. If however you are a FTM with a fear of being strapped to a bed for days of struggle ending in some sort of assisted delivery then read on. What I got was not what I expected.

Now Elizabeth Marie was born at 00.19am Tuesday 3rd June weighing a surprising 7 lb 2 oz. (39+2)

On the Monday I had woken up a few times during the morning with mild period pains but nothing I would consider often or even painful. Having had heavy periods all my life these were nothing but niggles. At 6am I decided to get up for some breakfast when I noticed a trickle of fluid. This stopped start as I walked around or stood up but seemed to be like a heavy discharge. I figured this was the early/pre-stages of labor I’d been told to expect. I set myself up for a day on the sofa with Animal Planet on and a little Mass Effect 3. I’d planned to have the trilogy completed before she arrived.

Well the pains came and went but weren’t building in intensity and weren’t very regular. I’d been told this could go on for days and messaged friend J asking if this could just be braxton hicks as I hadn’t experienced them at all. I mentioned the fluid loss and was told that could have been my waters. Now I don’t know why but I expected them to keep leaking if it was and this had stopped from the hour or so in the morning. Either way I took her advice and called Kim and the hospital to say I just wanted to be checked out just in case. If it was my waters I didn’t want to run the risk of infection. Everyone couldn’t believe how calm I was about the whole thing. If anything I was a little excited to see how it would go. Well an hour later me and Kim went down the hospital where they hooked me up to a trace to check Beth’s movement. She was fine and my contractions had calmed down quite a bit and I wasn’t leaking. Dr’s and nurses took their time as I really was in no serious situation or hurry.

At 3,30 a Dr came in to do a swab test to check the fluid.  She was not gentle with this. It was like a smear test times 10. Not unbearable but I did mouth the words “What the fuck!” to Kim when she started. Well this is where things got fun. The rest of my waters proceeded to break all over the bed. I was more worried about making a mess of the floor than what was actually happening. This was it though. I was off to the labour ward and they weren’t letting me go home until I’d had her. I really didn’t want this. I had wanted to go home and watch Aliens and relax in my own space. I honestly began to panic a little just at being stuck in a hospital and strapped to a bed. Well I got taken to my room and told if labor didn’t start in 18 hours I’d be induced. Time to wait…

Sort of….

15 minutes later and a quick call to my mum to let her know what was happening and my contractions had built up in pain quite a bit and after each one I was feeling quite sick. I requested a anti-emetic to get past this. In between contractions and during most of them I was pretty cool though. 15 minutes after the anti-emetic and I was asking about pain relief as things were getting a little uncomfortable and quite quickly. Claire the midwife gave me some paracetamol and said they were just changing over staff and that my only option was pethadine until I was dilated enough to be moved to delivery. She said I seemed ok and calm though and not to worry too much, she’d see me when she was back in. I didn’t want pethadine due to already feeling quite sick despite the earlier injection. I decided to wait it out and see how I went.

Well 20 minutes later and I was sat in the bathroom feeling very very uncomfortable and trying to fight the urge to vomit, piss and shit at the same time. I was not a happy bunny and had Kim request a nurse come and examine me just so I knew how much I had of this left. Something was going on and I was beginning to panic – I dreaded being that first time mum who just screams for an epidural when they’re barely a centimeter dilated. You know those types from one born every minute who just scream and scream…ugh…The midwife who came in gave me the look as if I was one. Until she did the examination. She then ran off and called a colleague who checked me quickly and started prepping the bed for movement. Contraction over and I’m casually asking what stage I’m at. Could I have got to 4cm in the hour or so since my waters went? I was fully dilated and off to be delivered. So much for pain relief and the average 16 hours that I was advised I’d be dealing with. On wheeling down I had a huge contraction, did some moaning (not even screaming, I was just humming at one point to get through it) and again was resisting throwing up. Turns out that was being caused by dilating so quickly and I don’t think any anti emetic was going to beat that. Transition was a bitch it seemed. Luckily no embarrassing vomiting though! Not bad for the one with the phobia.

Anyways, I’m rushed down and moved to the delivery bed where the 2 new delivery midwives can not believe how quickly I’ve been sent to them. They’re checking my notes multiple times to make sure. Meanwhile I’m chatting away in between my somewhat short and irregular contractions joking about things from TV and really being somewhat cool with things. They say there is no point getting the epidural I had planned as by the time the Dr had it prepped and set Beth would be here. I figured what the hell then, let’s not bother. Well 4 hours later and she was still not there. My urges to push were near non existent and contractions too short to really be effective. I got hooked to the Syntocinon to speed them up. Now this, I dreaded as had been told it also ramps up the pain. I was coping fine as it was (without the gas and air I might add as simply didn’t see the point in it. All I wanted was to bite down on something.) Well it worked and during this final hour I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep and was begging them to just pull her out of me. I even recommended they could do it like a sheep and tie her legs up and just pull. This was the finish though. They guided me with my pushing, telling me what I needed to do and got me through it. Kim was amazing keeping me calm and cooling me off when I needed. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without them. She was born 00.19 on the 3rd. Luckily the day after my parent’s wedding anniversary and after the announcement of a friend’s engagement.

It turns the reason she was so slow from dilation is because she was back to back and elbow first. Somewhere along the line she had turned and so all pain was in my hips and spine. I got a tear (no idea how bad, but I apparently lost quite a lot of blood and am stitched from end to end) but after it all I can honestly say I was right not to be nervous of it. I handled it all like I knew I would do. I got told with any future children I should probably just have a home birth. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again any time soon though….

So for a first time mother advised that because of BMI I should expect a slow, painful delivery with a heavy child and some assistance needed I did everything the exact opposite. Yeah I’ve been smug….

This basically gives a sum up of the mood of my childbirth. Whilst being stitched up we were discussing Scottish porn…

 

Bad blogger

Published April 3, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So I’ve been a pretty shit blogger since getting pregnant. I’ll be honest I only ever really blog when I’m not in the best of mental places and recently though stressed I’ve been ok. My stress mainly revolves around 2 things. My college assignments and having this baby.

With college we’re coming to the end of the year. Assignments, assessments and exams are starting to reach deadlines and the exams are lurking just around the corner. Everything I’ve learnt seems to be escaping my brain the moment I need to recall it and the pregnancy brain isn’t helping. For instance I just had to sex a hamster using 2 poorly taken photos. I keep hamsters. I know hamsters. I had read my notes 100 times. When I saw the pictures I questioned everything I knew and chose the wrong fucking option. It didn’t help that me and this tutor clash quite badly and in her newly pregnant state (which she’s having trouble hiding despite us all knowing) we just don’t seem to get on too well. I’ve tried being pleasant and still get nothing but the “could you fucking not” face. Then we have the dog grooming assessment coming up. This is the one real module that I have to pass. And I’m dreading it. I’m terrified.Still suffering with morning sickness and having to shave a dog covered in its own shit will not do me any good. Could I maybe do this assessment in about August? When I’m able to walk and do things like a normal human being again. Seriously this shit has been keeping me awake at night.

Then we have the pregnancy stuff. I’m not so worried about the pain part. Wierd I know. I’m worried how I’ll react to the pain if anything. I don’t want to be that hysterical crazy woman on the wards but I know my anxiety might get the better of me. I worry about being in hospital. I know it’s the safest place for me but I don’t like the atmosphere in them. I don’t like the doctors and nurses who are too busy to help you. I certainly don’t like the 200 degree temperature that seems to always be circulating the building. No wonder people leave the place sicker. I’m worrying will we have everything come June. Or whether she’ll arrive early before we’re even ready. And then there is the worry of if I go over. I don’t want to be induced. I’m not up for being trapped in a room just waiting for the pain to start at any moment. I don’t want that to happen. And then there is the general worries about her health. Will she be the right size at the next appointment? Does she kick enough? Does she kick too much? Illogical stuff taking up precious space in my mind.

To be fair I just need a good night’s sleep. With all these worries and then the normal waking up’s during the night I’m feeling pretty run down. Only 1 assignment left to complete and hand in and then that’s it. I’m done. Just need the dog grooming assessment out of the way.

Apart from stressed I’m doing ok though. I’ve got the majority of my work out of the way for now. We’ve bought a lot of what has been needed for Beth and it’s really just the waiting game with her. I avoided the GTT and expect to get a lecture on the th at my 32 week appointment. I’m amazed with how fast it’s gone by but certainly won’t miss this part when it’s over. Except maybe the movements. Them I enjoy. Just not at 2am….

I’m all ok

Published November 19, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Warning – Will probably include pregnancy stuff, it’s very dull if you’re not interested in that type of thing.

So it’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I’ve been trying to focus on my college work and catching up as quite simply I feel I’ve been falling behind with it all. It’s not that I’m not bothering to do the work, it’s simply I don’t understand what I’m doing, I get frustrated with it and then I wait on it until it’s too late. I then start it again and suddenly it all makes perfect sense. It’s a pretty bad system I have in place for it all. I have however managed to mostly catch up and will be so happy for when the Christmas holidays begin. Though yet again we’re poor this year, we’ve been saving points on surveys for vouchers to spend on amazon which means tonnes of cheap books. Kim has got most of the season off too so we’ll be together with barely any interruptions. It’s going to be nice. We’re having the big Christmas dinner at our home again with friends and I’m really looking forward to it. Not to mention the release of the Hobbit 2 (sounds so wrong saying it that way) that I’m really looking forward to. I read the book shortly after the first was released and enjoyed it so much more than LOTR. Maybe because it was shorter and I’m a huge dwarf fan girl. Not just from the hobbit series but pathfinder, wow and well anything dwarf related. They’re just cool.

But yeah everything is going okay at the moment. I had my first midwife appointment about a week back. I say midwife, it’s more the local nurse. Here in Ireland you don’t see a midwife until you’re actually in labor. But yeah she took 20 minutes to get blood out of my arm , numerous stab wounds down it and a little bruising that lasted 2 weeks. It’s a good thing I don’t have a fear of needles. Turns out all my levels are where they should be, I’m type O- blood type (which is just totally metal \m/) And she prodded my fat saying she could feel something which was right for where it should be. She wouldn’t doppler me simply as she said it was too early and she didn’t want to worry me if you found nothing. Understandable but I wish she would just say that I’m fat and it’s difficult. All these nurses so far seem to keep dodging around it like I might be emotionally scarred otherwise. I’M FAT, I KNOW, I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BUT I’M HUNGRY EVERY 2 SECONDS!!! Kim has for a while been calling me Blout (A character from book of unwritten tales) He’s one half of a 2 headed ogre and his lines mainly consist of “Blout hungry”….Yeah that’s been me. It’s quite accurate really.

I’ve got the big 12 week scan happening on Tuesday next week and time can not move quick enough. I’m staying positive as as terrible as it seems worst case scenario just puts us back where we were at the start of September. I’ll be upset but I’ve had hope now. It’s what I needed to keep going. Best case scenario is we come home and do the lame announcement on Facebook. No scan pics though as it’s not something I really want to share with the world.

I’m going to be honest though I’m terrified of this pregnancy. It’s weird not having any control over what my body is doing. I’m scared that I’ll get ill with the numerous things I run risk of with my weight. I’m scared Wiggly will be born early and be sick and ill. I’m worried he’ll have some sort of special needs and I won’t know what to do. I’m worried he’ll be born and I just won’t know how to care for him. (I keep saying he as I’m convinced it’s going to be a boy, yeah it’s early but I just have this feeling. It’s tricky to explain.)This is the type of stuff I’ve been dreaming recently. It’s miles off but I feel I have no idea what to do. All I sort of want is my mum there to help. We’ll see though. I’m a little homesick recently and just want this week out-of-the-way. Apologies for boring people with all this, At least I’m not doing those weekly updates with pictures of fruit. As fun as they are the first few weeks they get really old really quickly.

Anyways I’ll leave you in the hands of my metal blood type.

Blindsided yet again

Published November 4, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So it’s been  while since I last posted. Figured I’d update on how college and life was going to make sure the world hadn’t forgotten about me. A blog I read recently mentioned about people with infertility moving on with their lives and then just vanishing. I sort of don’t want to do this. This blog wasn’t just for the TTC worries, it was everything really. So guess I better update before I put it off again.

College has been going OK. Exhausting really as my timetable is a bit of a mess and my Monday’s are pretty much 9-5’s that I’m not used to at all. Fridays are 9-5 on my feet days at the vet which I was not expecting to do again after getting back to college. They conveniently dropped it on us that we’d need placements on our first day starting. None of us were prepared for it. Classes are mostly going OK apart from the really pointless modules such as health and safety and Internet. I’m supposed to be learning how to care for dogs and yet they insist that I know about digital signatures and what a company safety statement is. I loathe these classes and a lot of my frustrations come from simply thinking about them.

As expected, apart from 1 girl I’m the oldest there. The others are between 18-22 most of which are not the brightest and have a tendency to bathe in hooker perfume. I get on with them but outside of college socializing will probably never happen. I’m just not one to spend every night drinking or looking at young lads who probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman.

The tutors are a mixed bunch. A few sort of think we’re 15 years old and as such should be treated that way. For example the teacher who spells words as he reads out notes to us. Not difficult words either. Other tutors there have no point in being there. They mutter the task at the start of the lesson and then just wonder around asking if we’re OK for the rest of it. Useless when the whole class just decides to play on Facebook. Then there is my customer relations teacher. (Yeah I do have animal classes on this animal care course…They’re mostly power point presentations though). Anyways my CR teacher is a strange person. She’s older and stranger. With her last name being “Looney” it should have been expected to be honest. But unexpectedly she seems to be the one I’m growing most fond of. She reminds me of my mum and she seems to show genuine concern for any problems I might be having. I guess it’s not unnatural that she also teaches most of the nursing classes with how empathic she seems.

And I think it was with this empathy that she noticed how stressed I was feeling. She could tell I had yet again been blindsided and was struggling to stay logical and on path. Had I been blindsided by family or friends or even by that friend of a friend of a friend? No. I had been blindsided my own body. On September 30th 2013 I came to notice that AF was late. Now it can normally take a few days and I wouldn’t worry but this was unusual. CD33 of a normally max 31 day cycle. And nothing. No spotting, no cramping just felt normal. I tested and it was BFP. You can read about that at http://unabletoannounce.wordpress.com/ (This was my escape before anyone knew). I was honestly in shock. We’ve had no BFP’s since early 2012. I head back to college and I focus on something else. I get on with life and BAM there it is. I had actually sorted my fertility appointment for the 10th October in the end and if anything was just counting down to that.

Well on the 10th we went that appointment and explained what had happened to the nurse. She was so happy for us. I was still just abstract to it all. We were scanned and saw a black hole, everything was fine. Now things didn’t stay this simple, At the end of 6 weeks I had some spotting and all symptoms vanished. I accepted that it was over and went for my prebooked scan just to confirm it all. However there was a heartbeat. Wiggly was fine. I couldn’t believe it. I had her show me the screen, made her check 100 times. I’m currently 9+1/9+5 on whatever date I’m meant to go by and counting down to the 26th. The 26th will be the big scan. The one that marks the end of the first trimester.

I’m still in shock at times. I can’t believe what has happened. That this miracle should happen when I least expect it. I expect at any moment for something to go wrong but I can’t play those scenarios over in my head. If they happen I can’t have lived them twice. For now I remain hopeful. I accept every hungover feeling I get, the exhaustion, the backache from sleeping so badly. I hope that this lasts. I pray that this lasts.

I’m sorry to anyone blindsided by this post. I know it’s not easy to hear and maybe I should have made a warning at the start. I will not start moving myself off the way some women do when they get their BFP’s with the comments of “oh it will happen to you too” or “just relax, like it did with me”. Things can go wrong, I know that all too well. Those comments do not help either, I know that from experience as well. I think I’ll just keep posting for now. I don’t think we’re ever out of the infertile trenches. Even those who have given birth can never leave this place behind. For now I’ll just carry on like before, doing my college work and sharing pictures of my pup.

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All at once

Published September 9, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So we’re at the start of September already. This year has gone by so quickly. Tomorrow I go back to college for the first time in 10 years. I will be surrounded by teenagers who are barely legal to drink and who think the big bang is a “cool show”. I’m dreading every minute of it.

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How I expect to feel.

Whilst part of me thinks I’ll be the oldest one there and college isn’t about socializing its about studying another part of me hopes that I am secretly like Judd Nelson from the Breakfast Club. Possibly the coolest person there. I totally thought I was like that during college last time and that may have been where it all went wrong. Didn’t every teenager want to be like him though?

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How I want to feel. (I can’t be the only one who found him sexy right?)

I’m doing the canine husbandry and looking forward to it. Finding I was 6% off the top mark for the part time course I did has only boosted my confidence that if I work and put my mind to it I can do well. 10 years ago I would’ve thought I’d just do well through arrogance but now I know I do well through work.

Anyways in other news the hospital finally got in contact with me about my infertility referral sent to them over a year ago. They asked if I still wanted an appointment (yeah duh). I rang around and got told speak to M. Well I spent a day trying to get through to this woman. Every time I rang was someone new who would ask me if she was staff or patient. They work with this lady and yet don’t know who she is. Yeah I was frustrated. In the end I left them a message saying get her to ring me. She hasn’t but today I finally got an appointment through. The only problem is it’s for Thursday. The same day as my first full day at college. And can Kim get the day off too for it? Nope. So I have to wait until tomorrow after college to ring them to reschedule it. If I can that is. Seriously the way things work over here annoy me sometimes. Like don’t book someone in for an appointment that soon unless you know they can make it. Not everyone can drop things at a days notice.

This appointment does mean though that things are moving forward again though. Hopefully we can see where we stand in the TTC light and if anything I can be called young again by the doctors there. I need to get back on my weight loss train too. Seems I lost some weight and then was lazy for a little while and weight has not only crept but has instead smothered itself onto me. I feel heavier than I did before and this weekend has not helped things. I have gorged. If it’s loaded with calories chances are I have eaten it. Why? Because with college starting, lack of monies and hospital stuff I’m not going to give myself another chance to. It was silly but was so needed.

Things that have also happened including a huge Facebook culling of “friends”. Not just the people you don’t like but the school types who you never spoke to back then so why should you now. A guy I knew had over 900 “friends”. Like, really? 900? Recently I’ve gained a real dislike for the site. I only have it to keep in touch with friends and family who live in other countries. Everyone else I have on skype. It just seems its a page for problems to be caused. Nothing but people trying to seem intelligent with discussions on current events (most of which they know nothing about) or neurotic people looking for attention and validation on their problems. I can’t be doing with it and yet still I have an account as I know if I got rid of it then people wouldn’t bother contacting me as it’s too difficult to pick up a phone it seems. But then again all friendships have an expiry date I think. How can you stay friends with someone when you live such different lives, Wanting different things? It makes sense when you’re at school/work/live together but after that why bother? You’ll both meet new people. You’ll both gain new interests. Just seems too forced to stay friends with someone simply because they/you can’t bare the loss.

Anyways so quite a bit going on this week and hopefully I’ll keep you all updated. I’m excited though nervous and I think things are going to go ok from now on. At least I can hope so. Here’s to September and a month of change for the better.