December 31st 2016 (244lbs) – April 30th 2017 (201lbs)
That’s right. I’m still at it. As of today I’m at 194lbs so down a total of 50lbs. All through counting calories and working out. I eat around 1600 calories a day and track using myfitnesspal. For the gym I lift weights and do a bit of cycling to warm up. That’s 3 days a week. For the rest of the week I’m either walking the dog or being lazy. Today though I started c25k (its exhausting but I ran!)
I feel good. I’m sleeping better, when I’m not stressing about exams that is. I still get to eat what I want, just within moderation. And its all because of a little self control and discipline. I thought it would be harder. Like with pcos, you’re told that it’s practically impossible to lose weight and yet here I am. 50lbs down in 6 months. I thought it would be the impossible. People I know are saying I’m inspiring and quite honestly. I’m not sure why. It really is that easy to do…
Next goal is 179. That makes me a healthy bmi. For the first time since I was a preteen I’m sure. The last time I remember being weighed was at 21 and I was about 230lbs then… I’ve always been big. I’m very curious as to how my body is going to look in…jesus 15lbs…That’s really not that far at all. Still can’t get over how easy this has been. Where’s the catch?
On a subnote – Motivation music
So hello peeps. It’s the start of another week off and Kim actually has time off as well so we’re going to be painting Beth’s room and just trying to relax for once. There is 100 days of my pregnancy left and I’m counting down every moment of them. As of this moment this isn’t something I’d want to go through again. I’m still sickly each morning, I’ve got ongoing heartburn and reflux to the point where I’m drinking Gaviscon from the bottle and only in the last week have I started sleeping better. I’m still exhausted of course though. Add to that the stresses of college and the knowledge that I have my exams coming up I’m a little easy rattled. I’ll be 35 weeks when I’m doing them, This includes an hour dog grooming skills assessment which I’m having so much trouble getting to grips with already. It’s tricky with 5 people working on a dog and most of them already having experience. I’m learning very little.
On good notes though 100 days is a countdown point I can track. I’m enjoying buying bits of the baby items like the expressing stuff and little clothes. Just worries me financially of course. I’m really trying to avoid stress at this point, I know it’s not going to do me or Beth any good at all.
I’m worrying about my GTT still which I haven’t yet booked. I’ve felt pretty abandoned with the nurses and hospital over here in Ireland and feel any concern I have gets brushed off as crazy first time parent. Maybe they’re right but I feel I’m getting ignored. The morning sickness makes fasting impossible. I’m up at 6.30 each day to get food inside me before retreating back to bed or I just become a mess. Not to mention my terrible veins which I’ve brought up in previous blogs. This is going to make a 3 hour blood test a miracle to get through. If I’m sick they need to re book it. I’ve tried asking about alternatives like glucose strip testing at home, doing the 1 hour non fasting test or even eating something protein based before the test rather than anything that would increase sugar levels. All options were met with a “hmm, you’re just going to have to suck it up and do it”… I asked about medication for the nausea and got a nope. I’m not even allowed water or my gaviscon for 12 hours before the test which will equal acid reflux nausea, dehydration and morning sickness all in one package. The test so far is really looking to me like it’s not going to go ahead at all. I keep seeing the risks of gestational diabetes and get this feeling that I’m almost being emotionally blackmailed into doing a test that might be unnecessary if they would just do a 1 hour test instead. But can I question them or at least voice my concerns? They don’t have time for it. Not to mention I have to visit the hospital for this appointment and yet see my local nurse for my 28 week check up. They can’t do them both together which would be the logical option. Is my main worry the blood test in itself? not at all, that would make some sense. The problem is I’m an emetaphobe. I’m terrified of being sick, of people being sick around me. If someone even mentions they feel sick I go into anxiety mode straight away. The biggest part of this pregnancy has been for me trying to avoid being sick and trying to avoid getting ill. I’m a label freak on foods, I check everything I eat and I hate places where sick people will be. The less time I’m in the hospital the better. Now this is all an illogical phobia that I’ve had for many many years and a lot of people don’t understand it. You’d think I’d be able to get over it for a simple test that could prevent alot of pregnancy related problems but I really can’t. Since I heard of the blood test needing to be done it’s been a major worry on my mind and no medical professional will acknowledge it. I honestly don’t know what to do with it at this stage.
Apart from all this time has been going by quite quickly. We’re already nearing March when yesterday seems to have been Christmas and June is just around the corner. I’ll finally get to see my family again who I’ve missed so much the last few months. Really do wish I was back home in the UK at times.
On a lighter note I’m totally hyped for the new series of Hannibal later tonight. I’ve watched all the first series, gained an unhealthy obsession with Mads Mikkelsen and have been counting the days until the next episode would be aired. Seriously he is a better Hannibal Lector than Anthony Hopkins. Below basically sums up the entire show.
So it’s been while since I last posted. Figured I’d update on how college and life was going to make sure the world hadn’t forgotten about me. A blog I read recently mentioned about people with infertility moving on with their lives and then just vanishing. I sort of don’t want to do this. This blog wasn’t just for the TTC worries, it was everything really. So guess I better update before I put it off again.
College has been going OK. Exhausting really as my timetable is a bit of a mess and my Monday’s are pretty much 9-5’s that I’m not used to at all. Fridays are 9-5 on my feet days at the vet which I was not expecting to do again after getting back to college. They conveniently dropped it on us that we’d need placements on our first day starting. None of us were prepared for it. Classes are mostly going OK apart from the really pointless modules such as health and safety and Internet. I’m supposed to be learning how to care for dogs and yet they insist that I know about digital signatures and what a company safety statement is. I loathe these classes and a lot of my frustrations come from simply thinking about them.
As expected, apart from 1 girl I’m the oldest there. The others are between 18-22 most of which are not the brightest and have a tendency to bathe in hooker perfume. I get on with them but outside of college socializing will probably never happen. I’m just not one to spend every night drinking or looking at young lads who probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman.
The tutors are a mixed bunch. A few sort of think we’re 15 years old and as such should be treated that way. For example the teacher who spells words as he reads out notes to us. Not difficult words either. Other tutors there have no point in being there. They mutter the task at the start of the lesson and then just wonder around asking if we’re OK for the rest of it. Useless when the whole class just decides to play on Facebook. Then there is my customer relations teacher. (Yeah I do have animal classes on this animal care course…They’re mostly power point presentations though). Anyways my CR teacher is a strange person. She’s older and stranger. With her last name being “Looney” it should have been expected to be honest. But unexpectedly she seems to be the one I’m growing most fond of. She reminds me of my mum and she seems to show genuine concern for any problems I might be having. I guess it’s not unnatural that she also teaches most of the nursing classes with how empathic she seems.
And I think it was with this empathy that she noticed how stressed I was feeling. She could tell I had yet again been blindsided and was struggling to stay logical and on path. Had I been blindsided by family or friends or even by that friend of a friend of a friend? No. I had been blindsided my own body. On September 30th 2013 I came to notice that AF was late. Now it can normally take a few days and I wouldn’t worry but this was unusual. CD33 of a normally max 31 day cycle. And nothing. No spotting, no cramping just felt normal. I tested and it was BFP. You can read about that at http://unabletoannounce.wordpress.com/ (This was my escape before anyone knew). I was honestly in shock. We’ve had no BFP’s since early 2012. I head back to college and I focus on something else. I get on with life and BAM there it is. I had actually sorted my fertility appointment for the 10th October in the end and if anything was just counting down to that.
Well on the 10th we went that appointment and explained what had happened to the nurse. She was so happy for us. I was still just abstract to it all. We were scanned and saw a black hole, everything was fine. Now things didn’t stay this simple, At the end of 6 weeks I had some spotting and all symptoms vanished. I accepted that it was over and went for my prebooked scan just to confirm it all. However there was a heartbeat. Wiggly was fine. I couldn’t believe it. I had her show me the screen, made her check 100 times. I’m currently 9+1/9+5 on whatever date I’m meant to go by and counting down to the 26th. The 26th will be the big scan. The one that marks the end of the first trimester.
I’m still in shock at times. I can’t believe what has happened. That this miracle should happen when I least expect it. I expect at any moment for something to go wrong but I can’t play those scenarios over in my head. If they happen I can’t have lived them twice. For now I remain hopeful. I accept every hungover feeling I get, the exhaustion, the backache from sleeping so badly. I hope that this lasts. I pray that this lasts.
I’m sorry to anyone blindsided by this post. I know it’s not easy to hear and maybe I should have made a warning at the start. I will not start moving myself off the way some women do when they get their BFP’s with the comments of “oh it will happen to you too” or “just relax, like it did with me”. Things can go wrong, I know that all too well. Those comments do not help either, I know that from experience as well. I think I’ll just keep posting for now. I don’t think we’re ever out of the infertile trenches. Even those who have given birth can never leave this place behind. For now I’ll just carry on like before, doing my college work and sharing pictures of my pup.
These last few days I’ve been feeling pissy. Not at anything in particular. You know those days where you just get up and you hate the postman for being late, the covers being that little bit too close and you hate especially the fact that you need to go outdoors. That’s how I’ve felt. I’m just feeling wound up by everything in my life at the moment. Everything is going fine but everything is in limbo. Am I stressed because of the way things are or am I stressed for another lame reason?
I’ve just had my Animal Welfare exam a few days ago and for the first time in my life I didn’t just want to do Ok. I wanted to do brilliant. I worried to the max about it and like in any exam I sat down, opened the paper and realised I probably wouldn’t do as well as I wanted. The questions were worded to a point I couldn’t find a good starting point to even answer them. Some of them I just didn’t even know the answer to despite reading the notes 5 minutes before we started. I keep thinking over my answers now and dreading getting my results back. I really hate exams.
I’ve still not got my letter telling me when my college interview will be. I know it is the week of the 20th May but I really want something on writing telling me when and where it will be. Something so I can put my mind at ease a little. I’ve not had my letter about my divorce through either and I was expecting it 3 months ago. I asked my ex and his excuse was that he’d been busy. Yeah sorting your holiday to Disney Land! It does not take 3 months to fill in a form and email it!
On the job front nothing has really come up. Kim may have found a job in Copenhagen so we’re waiting on the details of that to come through in a month’s time. If it’s a good enough job then we’ll probably be looking to pick up and move over there. Something that we wanted to do a year ago but couldn’t because of the lack of jobs. I also sent my CV to a company in Berlin who emailed me asking when I could do an interview. I’ve not heard anything since I replied on Monday so I’m not sure where things are with that. I wouldn’t mind moving to Berlin to be honest but it would mean going back into customer service and not veterinary which is where I’d rather be. A jobs and job though right?
Then there is the normal little voice in my head asking why I’m still not pregnant. The voice that know’s we’re only 3 weeks off the 2 year mark. I was finally getting close to accepting things and just enjoying life and then the typical curveball came into play. A friend of mine a few months back told me she was struggling to conceive her second. A person I actually knew in real life who had a face and a history we shared. I finally felt connected to someone. Well about 2 weeks ago I messaged her asking how she was. Well she was pregnant… My link, my understanding voice, was gone. I’m happy for her, really I am but it’s tough to not think the usual thoughts. Why isn’t it my turn? I bought her son and new bean gifts for her birthday. For the first time in my life I bought baby clothes and they weren’t even for me. People don’t get that as hey don’t you normally buy them for friends and such anyways, but I never have. I honestly expected to be buying them for me the first time I ever had to. I was proud of myself for getting them as looking at them all I just wanted to cry. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I’ve put my banner on Facebook, I even made a story of it for Imgur to let them all know and yet it feels like nothing has changed. I’m open about it all anyways as I hate subjects being taboo. If you can’t even talk about it then it will never be solved. I guess I’m just tired of this journey especially when nothing is happening on it. Part of me just wishes someone could turn around and tell me it was impossible for me to have children just so I could have some closure on it all. But I won’t get that until I know what’s going on with the rest of my life. Did I mention that out of all the blogs I started following a year ago only 2 of them currently arn’t pregnant?
So am I pissy this week because of all of the above? Maybe I’m just pissy because it’s somewhere towards the end of my cycle and my PMS is kicking in. Maybe it really is the weather. Whatever it is chocolate sure makes things better.
I haven’t posted much since my update on the adoption. I’ve been going over in my mind whether it is worth starting the process or whether we should just keep going as we are. I’m leaning more to just keep trying and hoping but I have this wierd feeling. I feel like I’m mourning something I’ve not even lost yet. I’m mourning birthdays that will never happen, events I will never be a part of. I’m mourning a family I will never have. And it’s confusing because I still have some hope for the future.
I think this feeling has come from the fact that it’s been a year since I was last pregnant in any way or form. It was a year today actually that I found out I was pregnant before my loss a few days later and for those few days I felt anxious but amazing. It was that little bit of hope I needed to keep me going even when it went away. I guess because I knew it might happen again and things might have been ok. But it’s been a year now and nothing. Even with clomid and blood tests there has still be nothing. No glimmer of hope. I think I’m mourning my hope now more than anything. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way but the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all” means something more to me. I used to hate when people would say to me “at least you can get pregnant”. I used to cringe and think to myself, yeah maybe I can but I didn’t want to lose it. Slowly I have found myself drifting to their way of thinking. I wish right now that I could at least get pregnant. I wish I could be excited for that short while even if nervous because I would be over the first hurdle and could let myself hope further. If I lost the child I could still hope for another one knowing that it actually might happen again. I could feel sympathy for myself for the way I was feeling. I could actually mourn a real loss. I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone. Nobody should go through it but in my twisted mind I guess I feel what all those people said to me so long ago. “At least you can get pregnant”. For these thoughts I feel guilty and I’m sorry.
I feel stressed by all this. I’m trying to carry on as normal but it’s at the back of my mind. I feel like a I need a plan. An idea of what is to come that I’m sure will happen. I’ve spent to long living in a “we’ll see” type mentality and it’s making me more on edge everyday. I need to relax. I need to get away from everything.
“If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I’d definitely choose a heart because at least you’d do something. If you’re a brain, at the end of the day all you’re really good at is settling for shitty situations.”
George – Dead Like Me
So I’ve not updated in a while mostly because I’ve had nothing to blog about. My last cycle was a grand total of 24 days meaning I had 3 periods within 6 weeks, each as painful as the last. I honestly thought with the last one that my ovaries were being shot through my knee caps. Not fun at all.
Everything has sort of been on hold. I’ve requested me and Kim’s notes from the clinic just so I can go over all the numbers for my own piece of mind really. You guys know how it is. Something to google. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors at all, I just like to have all the facts myself.
We also got our letter through about the adoption information meeting. This is the first step to seeing if we want to make an application and whether it will be intercountry or domestic and what our options really are. I’m excited about it but at the same time a little nervous as all I’ve heard is horror stories about people being stuck in the system for years and it costing the earth. I sort of want to be naive about it all and it flies by but I know that’s never the case.
I’m still doing my day at the vets and it’s going well. I’m enjoying it and just counting the time to my college interview and then whether I will get in or not. Then I can worry about the financial side of things. I’m sort of in a limbo with it at the moment but the vet stuff is keeping me intrested. Got my animal welfare exam coming up on the 22nd April and I’m not looking forward to it. 2 1/2 hour written exam with essay questions. I need to revise and badly…
So yeah not alot going on at the moment. Just waiting for things to happen and trying to keep myself occupied to stop the crazies from setting in.
Andrew: We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.
The Breakfast Club
I want to moan and rant today. I’ve got up on the wrong side of the bed and want to complain about my friend’s pregnancy. I want to rant about the lack of jobs in this country and the fear that I might not get back into college despite trying so hard for it. But I feel I can’t. I don’t know why but I’ve also got up with a feeling that nobody really cares and they don’t want to listen to me voice my woes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over them so many times that I now sound like a stuck record or maybe it’s because they really don’t care. I know they’re not worried anyways but something would be nice. Some sign that they care and realise this is actually important to me. The same sign they gave to someone else not too long ago over something that was important to them.
I’m tired of feeling alone with all this. I’m tired of dr’s not being knowledgeable enough to help me. I’m tired of the clinic being so fucking expensive that we can’t get help from them. I’m tired of fighting an uphill battle on everything in my life but I’m too fucking stubborn to give up. But most of all I really am tired of feeling like I’m fighting this battle by myself. That everything seems to be coming down to what I want to do. How do I want to fix it? Or do I just want to let the motions keep going and maybe one day some miracle will happen? I’ve tried forums where I feel like an outcast even with women trying for as long as me. I’ve tried blogs and though some of you get it and understand in the last 6 months most of my blog universe has got pregnant or has even had their child. I’ve yet again been left behind. So far I’ve only felt a connection to one person and she already has a little boy. She’ll have trouble with the second and she’ll navigate the NHS and she’ll get a second. I know she will. And I’ll be left behind again. I’ll be fighting this battle alone again.
Infertility sucks. It takes up all of your life. Every day you will think at least once how you can solve it. How you can control it, but you can’t. Everything you thought you knew about being a woman suddenly becomes distorted. You find you’re different and you can’t relate to anyone around you. It’s taboo to voice your worries because nobody wants to hear the sob story. They all want the surprise happy ending. People can’t relate and so they just ignore you. You start grasping at straws hoping to find the thing that will solve your problems. OPK’s, vits, strange diets, positive thinking, God… And then when that all fails you’re off for science, being turned into a petri dish of cells and put under the micro-scope every month. And when that doesn’t work. Who are you? You’re not a mother, you’re not the supposed pinnacle of womanhood. You’re barren. You’re the mean old aunt told in fairy tales, the witch in the forest, the statistic. You’re nothing and so people ignore you even had a problem. They just accept that you didn’t want children or you left it too late. Your struggle never existed. And it is a struggle. So why do so many of us go through this alone? I’m tired of feeling alone with it.
I apologise for the long-winded moan but I just needed to get this out of my system. The blog is the only place I can do this and actually feel like I’m being heard by someone. At least I can’t see them zone off half way through a sentence anyways. I’ll find a solution to this by myself as usual. It will get sorted.
Mr.James: You are what is medically known as non-specifically infertile. Or to give it its full scientific description, we do not have a bloody clue.