So CD16 and the internet cheapy tests I bought have made me happy. They positived and then they negatived and that means that I fucking ovulated! I know the tests can be a little unreliable and that some people don’t trust them but this is the first sign of control and knowledge I have had over my body in a long time and it means I know when I’m due around and not just waiting and waiting and hoping like I normally do. I mean FUCK YEAH!
Also in TTC world my GP is yet to send my details to the fertility clinic. Good isn’t he? But I wouldn’t be stopped. I just sent them the copied letter he gave me to them instead and they’re all like “yeah that’s cool, here is a little of bloods to get done”. I’ve got to say the list knocked me back a little. I had 100 questions instantly and nobody to really turn to about it. I emailed them back though and they’ve been amazing at giving me enough information and keeping me on board. CD21 blood test booked for Thursday next week to prove what those little cheap tests told me the other day. I’m happy in this section of life now. Things are moving forward and I’m not trapped in limbo.
Also did a day at the petshop today. Really enjoy it. Well I enjoy the work and the animals. The people you get in there are fucking simple at times. It’s called a ferret. Yes ferret…with an F…Yes it does bite…No I don’t know how much it costs…/facedesk. That and my boss can be a little confusing. He sort of half mumbles what he wants you to do and then gives half and answer so you’re left standing confused and lost as to what you’re meant to be doing. Might just hide with the dog grooming. Seems to be what the others do instead of working.
Haven’t been sleeping too well the last few nights. It’s too muggy here, and I just can’t get comfortable in it. Would give anything for a nice windy air filled night. With that I’ll love you and leave you as my bed is calling me.
So 5 days minimum was what I expected. Now I know what you’re thinking OMG 5 DAYS HAS PASSED RIGHT???….Well guess what! No it hasn’t…AF arrived 3 days after my blog fucking over my average cycles yet again and sending me into the realms of pain and chaos. 4am I awoke with my back, knees, stomach and well anything else that could hurt hurting…I was not impressed. So I took myself down to my doctors (needed to go anyways for flight pills) and I demanded…Well maybe not demanded…I um…well I nicelt asked if he could give me some pain pills and move my referral to the quick clinic with the 45% success rate for embryo transfers. That sounds good to me. And it won’t take until fucking November!
So yeah got both of them sorted \o/. Given some painpills called Ixprim – Internet says they sometimes work and others they just give you nausea. Well I googled and googled and couldn’t find a thing on them. The dr’s warning of they can be a little hit and miss sort of filled me with dread as well so they’re currently sitting in my draw until CD1 shows again and I’m in need of being knocked out.
In other news I went back to the UK and spent some time with my family. Well most of my family. The ones who were there anyways. It was pretty good. Realised how well behaved Plato is, how much I love Final Fantasy 7 and how much I enjoy dark chocolate. (Kim sent me some while I was over there. It was fucking amazinggggggg). I’ve decided to stick to the course in Cork and even if I don’t get in this year I will just carry on with my pet shop work and will hopefully get in next September. I’m hoping this all pans out properly. I’m hoping I can find time for the pet shop with Plato going mental. It really does feel like our lives have been forced to mould around him since we got him. Maybe it’s just because there’s only the 2 of us. It’s a puppy, it was expected. Still love him to bits!
Anyways back to going through the list of house jobs that need to be done. 2 down, only a page to go.
So pretty much this time last year was when all the shit started happening. My job got thrown into chaos and I began to loathe it, the mc happened and I started to think that maybe things weren’t going to be as straightforward as I had initially thought. This year I’m out of the job, I’m planning on doing something I want to do and though ttc is still a major worry in my little life it’s not as heartbreaking as it was back then. I’m a lot more logical (though bitter) about it all. I understand that there is no miracle cure and I understand that important things take time. For something to be perfect it needs careful planning and patience. I don’t want any child. I don’t want some rushed formula that will equate to more heartbreak. I want a perfect take home baby. As much as it kills me at times I’m willing to wait for that. I’m willing to keep going every month as the more suffering I have, the less my child will have. Isn’t that what any mother wants?
Today is CD23 and I’m counting down. I’m not sure why but I have so many hopes pinned on this cycle. Maybe it’s because of the last few weeks of pain and exhaustion what with jobs, courses and of course little Broed. Maybe it’s because I’ve recently had some karma go my way in the form of little Lowen and the hours at the pet shop. Maybe it’s because my body is throwing little signs my way. I slept for 4 hours mid day today. I was just feeling that tired. I don’t know if my dreams will come true or even if my tiny whispered prayers will be heard. But I hope for this cycle. One thing TTC installs in you is a sense of hope. If AF shows in 5 days or even in 13 days I will accept it. It will be the start of cycle 15 but it will be another month closer to that BFP, to that wish.
I’m trying to be a little more positive about this experience. I’ve shouted and blamed so many people for everything I’ve gone through so far and I know deep down that things may get worse before they can get better. I guess if the time comes when it’s too late and all options have been used then I will need to move on. Until then I will keep this little ball of hope in the back of my mind. I will think of it during the times I need it most. When the world seems at its darkest and I have nothing to turn to then I will think of it and remind myself that if something is wanted enough, if it is hoped and dreamt for enough it will be given.
5 days to go…minimum…
Things have changed. Since my last post. My very negative and shitty post things have changed. Kim has been offered a job so that it one less worry. Today whilst doing my voluntary work I found an injured hammie who had been removed from the rest. I couldn’t just leave him there alone so I’ve been allowed to keep him. No one else would want him all scared and bloody. I wanted to look after him and make him feel loved, even if he turns out to be a blood sucking menace I’ll take care of him. We’ve named him Lowen (For any Grimm fans, yes that is one of the species of um..monsters). I’ve also been offered a few more hours work there as apparently I’m good at what I do. :S
I’m still waiting to hear on the courses. I have an interview on the 13th for the one back in the UK and I’m sort of looking forward to it. I do hope I get into the cork one but we’ll see. So all in all 2 of the 3 things are going ok right now. And with the way karma works I hope the 3rd does too. I’m currently on CD20. 8 days to go. I’ll be pissed if it’s 14 days but I feel it will be 8. I’m trying to ignore the weird dreams, the fact I’m always freezing, the fact I had trouble sleeping on my chest as my boobs were sore as hell. I’m ignoring all this as I can’t be that lucky. I’m never that lucky.
2 out of 3 isn’t that bad though. We have some sort of plan now though and hopefully things will be ok. God I hope they’ll be ok.