All posts for the month August, 2013

Brain mush

Published August 15, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Let me get this out. I’m stressed. I’m currently in the grips of the realistic (not pessimistic) knowledge of my life and I’m trying to figure it all out.

The welfare peeps who were lovely enough to start giving me money back in Jan have since means tested our household income and chopped us down to a figure that is barely anything. It’s money so I’m grateful but it’s enough to make me panic each week when a bill comes through the door. We’re not married yet so I was a little confused why they class us together but it’s because we’re a couple and that’s good enough for them. I asked the tax office about helping us seen as we’re classed as married to the welfare and they said no as we’re not actually married. Wierd how one government department will say one thing and the other department do the opposite. This is a good reason to get married soon but we simply don’t have any spare finances to spend on it. Even on just a bare contract signing. So I’m worrying about bills.

The college are able to help us financially when I start in September but their help is limited and we may not get any at all. I’m told to stay positive but rarely do things go right for me so I’m sticking with worst case scenario despite peoples objections to this. As for things going right I’m looking forward to college but seriously worrying about the course I’m taking. It was my second choice. I was dead set on the vet nursing, it’s what I want to do, no doubts about it. I had the experience, I had the highest grade in the class for my evening course, I even passed their silly primary school test they gave us and still I wasn’t good enough for it. I was put on the waiting list for it while one of the girls from my course got onto it and I’m not even sure how or why or where I went wrong. I just don’t understand. I’m trying to stay hopeful that maybe there are places left on the nursing and I can opt over at the end of this month but again when has something like that ever happened to me?  And that’s where the worry comes in on my course. Do I do one year and then opt to do the nursing again thus putting me in college for 3 years instead of 2, or do I carry on doing this for the 2 years and then see where to go from there? I can’t find any clue of which courses/jobs I could do after this course and it’s putting me into a real panic. I know I shouldn’t think that far ahead. Things change over time and we might not even be here in 2 years time but I have to wonder as it’s not just me affected by all this. Kim is affected too and he is working his ass off, doing a job he hates just to give me what I want. I’m happy and ever so grateful but I want to know I can give something back at the end of it all. Give him what he so clearly deserves.

Then I’m not sleeping well either which isn’t helping anything at all. My mind is wondering over all these things and it’s making me stress even further. I’m worrying how to pay a friend off currently as I don’t know where it will come from or even how we’ll manage going away for the day when it comes. Will I be busy with college? Will we be driving up there with me in a state of panic the entire way as I hate travelling by car? How can I ignore the little voice in my head going over these things repeatedly?

I’m currently trying to lose weight and have seen no change in my body at all. At this rate I think the only way to lose weight is to just starve it off but that’s not healthy at all. I’m walking twice a day with pup and not normally at a slow speed, doing a strength workout 3 times a week as the aerobic one killed my knees. And today I even tried yoga to relax my stressed and aching body. Tired of being a round shape!

Ugh, Sorry for this downer post after so long. I figure getting this out of my system might help and prevent me from having a panic attack. Need to focus on the good in my life.