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All posts for the month October, 2012

Rageface

Published October 30, 2012 by reachandflexibility

This is more a post for the people who all day will ask me if I’m ok. I wont answer over chat as I’m really not a people person today but no I’m not. I’m pissed off at my body, pissed off at myself for hoping that maybe just maybe we had done it. That after 18 months we had finally got what everyone else seems to find so fucking easy.

3 days ago I started spotting and figured that was it. A short cycle and the clomid had made little difference. But that was all it was, spotting. It kept going and I was cramping but nothing. No crippling pain, no bloodbath. I googled and I mean I gooooooooglllled it all and everything I found was hopeful saying it could be implantation bleeding, it was all around the right time and typically no one ever updated on their post as to what happened with it but I remained calm. This kept going for 3 whole days and by last night I was feeling pretty confident. I was going to go out and buy a test today and maybe for the first time ever go into limbo or get that BFP. 4am I woke up this morning feeling so hungry I felt sick with it. No sign of AF. I went back to bed and had problems falling back to sleep thinking of that BFP and how even the spotting had stopped now. 8am I get up and oh look there’s AF. And even then she’s not crippling me, she’s slowly creeping in like the red moss from war of the worlds. Sorry for the metaphors but being in the mood I am right now I need to rant. Part of me is tempted to test anyways just to see if my body is being a fucker. I’m convinced my progesterone levels are a mess. They were 15 when they checked for OV the previous month. 15 suggests I might have OV’d but the levels wouldn’t be high enough to sustain a pregnancy and I’m thinking that even though they have given me clomid it isn’t enough. I think the clomid just postponed the inevitable. I think my levels will fall anyways and I don’t think any dr will do a thing about it. They’ll just keep reminding me that I’m 25 and I have time and if I pay them enough money things will work out. Well I don’t want that. I want the fucking easy route like the people I know do. Like the 25-year-old on my Facebook who despite having the changing relationship statuses has managed to pop out 2 kids and just announced her 3rd is coming soon. I’m tired of everything being such a fucking challenge to get through. This, my old job, looking for a new job (they haven’t even bothered calling me about the seasonal work I applied for. That makes me feel pretty fucking shit). Did I do something wrong in a past life or am I just bringing all this on myself now? #

Blegh this is a post of self loathing but fuck it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up to be struck down like this but I did it anyways because people wanted me to be positive and optimistic. Well what fucking good did that do?

This picture is an accurate representative of my mood today

Kudos to Mizgirl

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Time has stopped!

Published October 22, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So a week since my trigger and oh my god time is moving shortly! I’m switching between hopefulness and pessimism in matters of minutes and I sort of wish I had a little screen on the outside of me so I can see what’s going on internally. I’ve been testing the trigger out of my system and today it’s still positive though now it’s more like a trick of the light type line. I assume it’ll all be gone by tomorrow. They usually say about 7-10 days for it then any line I get will be an actual BFP and not the trigger shot. The things we do right :p

Symptoms this week, ummm sore nips (usual around now), acheness down below like AF pre pains but farrrrr too early for that and not as crampy…just achey… And a feeling everynow and again like someone has kicked me in the foof. Yeah TMI I know but meh you can all know about it. All these things point towards the hopefulness in my mind. The oh my god this might actually work. Then the realism kicks in. 18 months down the line and why should this month be different. Oh you had clomid and a shot and the nurse said that everything was great and that the planets alligned at just the right moment and you’ve done everything you can do. Well big deal. You’re still not going to get it. And if you do your hormones won’t be high enough so you’ll just lose it again before you can even get to the clinic for an early scan and then guess what you’ll be doing all this again. I’m trying to ignore this voice but as the week justkeeps on going it gets louder and louder. Now as you guys know I’m not religious but I do think there is something out there. Well in the wierd times I sort of pray for things. Never for myself. I figured if there’s someone out there who has control of our destinies then the last thing he wants to here is the demands of a spoilt woman going mememememememe. But recently I find myself praying for myself. Praying for my future and the people in it. I sort of feel wrong doing this. Is that wierd?

Anyways 1 week to go providing my body is doing what it’s meant to be. I believe I’ve made a similer line in previous cycles…

This is here just because I’m looking forward to it’s release because everyone knows I can’t stand Harry “I’m going to write fantasy fanfiction and steal ideas from other stories” Potter.

Science bitch!

Published October 15, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Right so update!

Friday I had my first tracking ultrasound to see if my body was reacting to the Clomid. The clomid which had made me emotional and wake up having hot sweats in the middle of the night. The nurse and her not so gentle wand told me my wall lining could’ve  been better. It was 3mm and though I had a lot of activity with my follicles, the largest was only 13mm. It was early days though she said. I booked another ultrasound for today and left hoping it would get better but feeling pretty bummed out that it hadn’t been the miracle I was hoping to see.

For facts sake this is what I wanted to see –   follicle and 8mm+ wall thickness… Yeah I should stop reading all this up.

I go back today and this time I’m logical. It’s CD14 and if my body doesn’t do what it’s meant to I’m going to go home, have a drink, cook a meal and wait for Kim before sulking like a teenager. I have a different nurse who wasn’t trying to crush my ovaries and all I can think is “maybe I shouldn’t have worn odd socks today”. She explains that I have a nice 20mm follicle ready and my wall has gone to 10mm which is awesome…Fuck yeah! I love science! Science works! I get given my trigger injection and sent on my way and told to call back in 2 weeks time. She’ll send me a new prescription “just incase”. I’m a happy bunny. That little voice keeps creeping in telling me things never work for me but fuck that little voice right now.  I’m going to use all my positive energy and do what all the lame books say and build myself a baby friendly mindset.

Also being 25 in the clinic by myself and feeling all eyes on me is not the most relaxing thing in the world. I never realised it until Friday but I am young it seems… Well not young but younger than normal in their ways it seems. I’m also not as classy as the other women in there. After 18 months and with apparently age on my side I hope this works…

 

Always waiting

Published October 9, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So I need to shake this feeling off. I’m not sure whether it’s the clomid exacerbating things or whether it is my actual depression creeping back in but I’m feeling pretty bummed out these last few days. It could also be the dark, grey, murky weather of Ireland giving fire to the little whispers in my mind. The whispers that take a minor problem and blows it up into a life changing catastrophe.

I feel like I’m waiting. On everything. I spend my days watching the clock tick by waiting for the mail to arrive, waiting for Plato’s walk, waiting to feed time for him, waiting for Kim to come home. I spend my weeks waiting for AF so I can start pills, waiting for clinic appointments, waiting in my TWW for my inevitable AF. And then onto more waiting for my life to begin.

I’m still searching for a job to fill my hours up. Seems nobody needs customer service employees. Especially ones who only speak English. So I spend my time waiting for call backs to tell me I’ve been unsuccessful. These never come of course. In this country it seems impossible for them to actually ring a person. For example I went into the pharmacy about 2 weeks ago and they said they didn’t have what I needed in stock but they would do in 3-4 days and they would call me. I’m yet to have a callback. I’ve been into the store to be told they now have everything but needles…Now what kind of pharmacy doesn’t have needles for a start? They said they would call me today. I’m not expecting that phone to ring.

I’m also tired of this competition it feels me and my sister are having. This whole “who has bigger problems right now and the who is allowed to complain about them” type competition. It’s sad that 2 people grow apart that way and it’s sadder that the one won’t even talk about what the problem is and instead resorts to deleting posts and using the block function. Has nearly 22 years of growing up together meant that little? Am I really that difficult to even talk to? I don’t even know if I should bother trying to fix the situation. In my mind I shouldn’t be the one having to fix it. I guess I put this here in a hope she reads it and realises it’s not just always her affected by life. It’s not always her with the problems.

So yeah, this is where I am in life at the moment. Having trouble seeing the good things which I know are there. Having trouble being the positive person I should be as what right do I have to complain? I’ll shake it off in a day or two. I hope.

“Cobb: You’re waiting for a train. A train that’ll take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you. But you can’t know for sure. Yet it doesn’t matter. Now, tell me why?
Mal: Because you’ll be together!

Inception

CD1 – Time for more drugs!

Published October 2, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Just got my MoP bile out so time for a post from home to say how I’m getting on. My last Home life post was a little vague with everything as to be honest I didn’t know how to feel at all. I spent most of the evening making little sense and couldn’t even form a sentance to my mum when she rang me.

But today is CD1 of cycle 17. I have for the first time in over a year had 2 cycles that lasted the same ammount of time. I call this a result. Today I also picked up my Clomid – 50mg. I’m a little fascinated that a pill so small could change my body in such a way to make it work. It’s quite strange really. I’m still waiting on the injection drugs to come into stock so they better be here by end of next week or I’m going to be freaking out. I am as usual on CD1 dosed up to the eyeballs with painkillers as my ovaries feel like they’re trying to punch their way through my kneecaps. It’s not enjoyable but there is nothing I can do to prevent it…

I’m a little excited for the Clomid. Like it could work…right? At the end of this month I could be…Dare I even say it? But I could be pregnant? I don’t want to put my hope on this. I don’t want to be swatted down when it doesn’t work and I go to my scan on the 12th and they say “nope you’re fucked, lets try again next month”. I have to be realistic. But it could work….It might work….

 

I… don’t like… this place

Published October 2, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So a review, I know it’s been a while. I’ve sort of been busy with real life things. But here we go!

WoW – Mists of Pandaria

 

This is Wixxy – She’s my gnome holy priest. She raided Dragon Soul. Cleared normal and is 3/8 in heroic there. She was one of the main healers for the guild and I loved healing on her. Notice how I use past tense? Just before MoP was released class changes were implemented and instantly it felt like I was fighting to get anywhere near the output I had before. Already a little disappointed I figured it’s how it is, change your play style and wait for the new gear and such. I did and here is how it went.

Day 1 – Forgot the release was even coming out despite the big panda pictures and spam in trade chat. Log on the morning after launch. Find instantly I have to spec shadow if I even want to do the quests. I sign up for an instance figuring I can grind them and get some decent gear. Well there is now barely any trash in the instance so farming them for xp was going to be impossible. Gear from the quests in them was limited to either dps items or healing items and I say healing items very lightly. No spirit as it seems they don’t want that anymore instead a slight stat change from the dps version of some crit – haste. Yeah I honestly thought it was bugged for the first few quests.

I started questing then in my shadow spec. Now I don’t like playing as a shadow priest – I’ll get this out first so I am biased when it comes to that. I find it to be dull, slow and tedious. But I did it anyways as it was my only option to gain xp from (apart from pvp and we know my feelings on that from previous reviews). The areas I quested were all the same. Every zone it seemed was grass and hills. There was no variety like there was in early expansions. No Hellfire to counteract Zangermarsh. No it was all green fields and hills. The quests were all the same as well. Go kill 10 mobs, heal 10 Npc’s, burn something, now go kill this main quest npc.Every single quest hub I went to followed this same structure. There were more escort quests than ever before and each one just led me to a new hub that gave me the same 15 quests to kill,heal,burn and kill. By the end of the first zone I had had enough. I logged off for a few hours and when I did come back it was to do the pet battles. I’ll explain more on them later.

Day 2 – I bit my lip and I go questing again. I also run another instance also lacking in variety from the last. Though the boss fights seem interesting at times they all come down to the basic tactic of DONT STAND IN SHIT. Again no loot from them and rubbish quest rewards/xp. So questing it is. Kill,heal, burn and kill. I’m thinking if I get to 90 then I can start doing what I like. I can run the heroics and do the raiding. Do the things I enjoy. I grind for 3 long levels. Getting barely any decent healing loot to keep me going in instances and I’m struggling to heal anything. Only 3 levels though. I’ve got my justice points and I’ll get some nice gear when I ding and then I can enjoy the game. I can do this.

Day 3  – Hills….Grass…Hills…. Mountain…Escort quest…Oh my god I might die of boredom at this rate! I make it though. I hit 90. FUCK YES! NO MORE FUCKING QUESTS! NO MORE GOD DAMN MOBS THAT NEED KILLING,HEALING,BURNING OR KILLING! I CAN FINALLY PLAY HOW I WANT AGAIN!

Nope…not that simple. Never that simple. I fly to a vendor with my justice points all excited about the gear I’m going to get. The instances I’m going to run and the fun I’m finally going to have after the 3 days of wanting to gauge my eyes out. I open his inventory and what does he have – Fuck all. “you need to be revered with so and so to get this item”…..what? I ask my guild if I’m at the wrong guy. “No, you require rep now for justice and valor items”….Um and I can get the rep running instances right? “No, you have to do dailies”……Are you fucking serious? I have to quest..After all the questing I just did. On the class that I don’t want to quest on. I can’t run instances for gear because I can’t heal them due to my shit gear from the quests I just did. Do I have any other options? I can run scenarios, which require me to dps. I can do the dailies a few at a time. I can grind the normal instances in the hope that I get dropped items so that I can progress to heroics where I will gain valor points that I can’t spend due to not wanting to quest. It was at this point I closed the game and decided enough was enough. Kim made me a list of items that didn’t require me to do dailies with. I started on them but figured what was the point? I wasn’t happy with the expansion. I didn’t want it to exist.

I tried the pet battling on my mage. I refused to level her up as I didn’t want to quest in the green dull zones again. Pet battling was ok. Basically Pokemon only with your own pets. You get loads of achievements and it does fill the void of there being no real minigames in the past. I enjoyed this but as an entire community moves forward, you sort of get left behind and it loses the fun very quickly.

So quick sum up/ some extra things

Pros –

Pet Battling – It’s Pokemon all over again. It’s simple and finally has a use for the 264 companion pets I have. I can finally name them the things I want as well.

Gear looks nicer. There is less brown and things finally look a little more epic

Yeah that’s all I have for Pros….

Cons –

All the areas look the same! They look nice but once you’ve seen one Shaolin style monastery you’ve seen them all. I wasn’t interested in them during Guild Wars Factions and I’m not interested in them now.

Quests are all the same – Now yes this was the same in previous expansions. It’s how it is with any MMORPG – But I have never in my entire time of gaming known them to be so repetitive, grindy and painful to complete.

Instances are off-limits unless you have the type of mindset to run dailies and after 5 levels of quests I didn’t have that mindset at all.

So in conclusion at this point in time I’m happy to let my subscription expire. They have tried to make subtle fixes so that less questing is needed but it’s far too little. My recommendation to anyone who hasn’t upgraded yet – Don’t bother. It really isn’t worth the £30-50 and the monthly costs. I didn’t even touch the panda/monk stuff as by level 90 I didn’t care. After 7 years of playing WoW I’m throwing in the towel and searching elsewhere for my enjoyment. It’s sad for me but it’s only a game.

 

Gnome Female – “I apologize profusely for any inconvenience my murderous rampage may have caused.”

(Tiny smallprint here – Don’t bother arguing with me about my points. This is how I feel and no ammount of fanboy advice will make me change my mind…oh and Blizzard don’t sue me)