So I’ve made a decision to update my blog with positive things. I’ve noticed that I only seem to write when I’m bothered by things so I’m going to remind myself of reasons to be happy. I’ve been bothered lately that some of the blogs I follow have just got their BFP’s. Big gratz too them and I hope it goes well but being the selfish type that I am I was sort of hoping it would be my turn soon. The forums have died as well as all the women I used to chat to have since left on having their own children. One woman has even managed to pop out 2 in the time I’ve been there. Deep joy.. But anyways, yes positive post.
1 – Getting my puppy on Friday instead of Sunday. Excited muchly about this. We already have everything for him and now just need him. My facebook will be destroyed by pictures of my little puppy.
2 – I have Kim and we’re all fine and good together. I spent the other night just looking at him realising how happy I was just to be with him. Wierd I know but it’s amazing how little you actually look at a person.
3 – I have a lot of friends who I care greatly about and who put up with me despite my constant bouts of crazy. I’m sorry that I’m difficult to get hold of and that I’m probably not there for you all as much as I should be. I really have no excuses for it and can only hope you forgive me.
4 – My family is all healthy and even though I miss them I still have contact with them. Sometimes you forget how important family are. When everyone else has gone they will still be there for you no matter what the history. I love my family. All of them.
5 – I have a roof over my head and even though the lack of job is beginning to get to me a little we’re still ok for a while.
6 – My Trinny pup has just got the all clear after her surgery. She had a lump removed hence the pictures in the last blog and biopsy tests showed it was pre-cancerous so it was good that we brought her in when we did.
There is probably more going well for me right now but it’s difficult listing off every minor detail. I plan on updating this probably once a week with just the good things in my life just to remind myself of them. There will probably be in between moments where I clear my head but this is needed I feel. I so often forget things as I focus on the negatives and how to fix them.
Tyler Durden : “It could be worse. A woman could cut off your penis while you’re sleeping and toss it out the window of a moving car.”
Narrator : “There’s always that.“
So I made it back to Ireland and me and Kim sat down and had a chat about everything going on. We have decided to settle in Ireland, find new jobs and make ourselves a home here. Not just a place I plan to live in until I move somewhere else like I have done for the last 6 years. Actually settling down and finding new jobs here and making the house a home. So first thing first was to get the puppy we had been planning for a while. When I went to the UK I spent most of the week with my 11-year-old collie dog Trinity. On the left is her after her surgery (caused by me, well not done by me but you get what I mean. I found a lump on her when I got there and dragged her to the vet for checks. Well she had it removed that same week). Despite it all she still snuggled up close and then proceeded to bleed all over my quilt. I felt so guilty afterwards but it was all needed. I also spent the week with the 8 month old collie Nina (on the right, surprise surprise)… Now Nina isn’t as lovely. She has her good moments but they are drowned out by moments of pure derpyness.
I came back and missed having that loyal companion. That lovable friend to play with all the time. Who got excited by going out walking or just playing with a ball. So puppy hunting commenced. I was already caught between wanting either another collie or a basset hound. I’ve not owned basset hounds before but after reading for ages about them I decided it would be the perfect dog for me and Kim. With Kim being allergic to a lot of animals the basset seemed the better choice. So off I went online. I’d seen an advert posted a week before for a guy selling some basset puppies and looking at the 11 there I figured I’d give him a call with a hope that maybe he’d have 1 or 2 left. We were in luck! 3 males and 3 females and we could come choose the one we wanted. Only problem was he lived an hour away. This was not going to stop me though. The puppies were too cute and my excitement was like a child being fed candy floss on his way to the chocolate factory inside Disneyland! So we rented a car. It seems silly but it was worth it. We went and we picked out that little puppy. The little bundle of joy that will add so much to me and Kim’s lives. On choosing I picked up the one that just seemed like he wanted some love. He snuggled close and when I asked him if he wanted to come home with me he wagged his little tail. Well I was sold. He comes home with us on Sunday. Our little Plato.
Plato – “Life must be lived as play.“
We wanted a more intelligent name for him rather than the usual things of Doug and Fluffy. After going through everything of Einstein and Copernicus (Both from Back to the Future) we decided Plato was perfect for him. People describe pets as snooze buttons for the ovaries. This isn’t why we’re getting the puppy. The puppy is part of the master plan of having the whole family. I’ve still heard nothing from the hospital and I’m tired of putting my life on hold waiting for the result of every cycle. I’m going to live my life with everything I want and Plato will be the start of it. 6 1/2 days left until I bring him home.
Red : Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
So in the UK. And today is CD1. Time to commence cycle 13. Yet another fucked up short cycle to mess up my average days. Thanks body that was really what I wanted from you. As if being home with the most annoying puppy ever wasn’t bad enough. Have I never mentioned? My mum has 2 dogs. One is Trinny – My 11-year-old collie. She’s quiet, smart and the most loyal thing ever. And then there is Nina. Just like Nina Williams from Tekken she is the most irritating thing ever. She’s stupid and I mean fucking derpy. She attacks Trinny on a whim and she fails to learn commands. My sister believes she is “training” the dog but I’m convinced the only training she is doing is teaching the dog that acting like she is will get attention. So yeah easily irritated by it. I know she’s a puppy but fuck me if it’s not working stop doing it and take some fucking advice from someone else.
As you might be able to tell I’m feeling quite hostile today. Didn’t get much sleep. Barely left the house. Missing Kim. Feel fat. Am fat. Crampy as all fuck and nothing is easing it. Most likely because I don’t have my nice painkillers from back home and I’m also lacking a hot water bottle. Just urg. I was meant to enjoy this week but after 2 days all I want to do is go back home where it’s calm and I can hear myself think.
The job hunting in Denmark isn’t going as well as it could and money is growing short. We’ve ended up paying for vet bills for Trinny as I was for once right to be worried about her. Also seems the plan is slowly changing to staying in Ireland. Well it’s better than the UK for sure but I’m a little disappointed. I didn’t want to stay there forever but it’s seeming the easiest thing at the moment. Kim keeps asking what would make me happy there. Well there’s only one answer for it. Having a family there and settling down. Our own little dog might start that but I do want the family. I don’t think it will ever happen and I’m just feeling so sorry for myself about it all. People keep saying be hopeful and the time will come, but will it? I don’t know if I can be blindly optimistic about it. I’m just not that type of person. I believe if you earn something you should be given it. Have I not earned it? If not then how can I? What have I not done that all these teenage/lowlife/moronic or just plain evil people have done?
I honestly don’t know where my life is going at the moment and I just need something to keep my hopes up right now.
Andy Dufresne – Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
Above you’ll see my favourite character from Final Fantasy 9. Ever since I was 15 and saw her quote in the manual (“To be forgotten is worse than death“) I sort of connected with it. People have big fears and mine is to be forgotten. I don’t want to vanish and for people to go “oh you know, thingy, the loud one with the anger management issues”. I want to be remembered for doing something with my life.
This week I’ve been stressing and worrying like I normally do. I worry about not finding a job. Or finding a job that I can’t stand or can’t do. I worry about ending up in another dead-end call centre job wasting my life away. It’s not what I want. I hate to say this but I’m jealous of my sisters. One has been offered a nursing course and the other a position helping those with mental health. I’m so proud of both of them but at the same time jealous. They’re going to be helping people. Doing things that I can’t. I was tempted to apply for an access teaching course in the UK. But after scouring the site and reading up I just realised that wouldn’t be good for me. I failed my college AS levels, I give up on whatever seems too difficult for me and I’m the worst role model in the world, especially when it comes to following orders from others who I have no respect for. I ended up deciding no and spent the day wallowing in my own self pity. I have no idea what I will do job wise. I don’t even know where to start as nothing interests me. I would love to help others in some way but at the same time I’d rather just be left alone. If I could write for a living I would but sadly I have writing talents that make people think I’m dyslexic…I’m not…
Anyways back to the fear of being forgotten. I guess this is one of the reasons I wanted to be a mother since I was about 18. Everyone remembers the family in their life. Even if they weren’t very good at it. I wanted to give all the love I have to someone. I wanted to pass on all the knowledge I’ve picked up and hope that they would grow to be someone who would be respectable. I wanted everything to be perfect. With the way things are at the moment I don’t know if this will ever happen. I get angry watching people who ignore their children as I know I could be better. I get angry at how unfair this all seems. I don’t understand why I always seem to end up in these situations. If I could just be told why or what I need to do I could deal with that but I’m stuck with the monthly disappointment. With the constant uncertainty. I’m terrified I’ll end up alone. That crazy woman who owns cats. The one who couldn’t keep her other half as he didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t give him the family he had thought about. The old lady who dies and nobody even notices.
I mentioned this in not so many words, but much more tears to Kim and being his perfect self he’s booked me a trip home to the UK for a few days to see my family. I’m glad as hopefully I can clear my head and decide what I truly want to do. I hope this works as I’m getting tired of feeling so worried about things that might never happen.