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All posts for the month April, 2012

God I love google

Published April 29, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Today I’ve been playing doctor in my head. This is a fun game I like to play every now and again which basically involves me making up symptoms in my head and then deciding if I’m dying or not. This usually happens when I feel slightly off and like to think that maybe, just maybe all my problems can be solved with a simple diagnosis and some pills. So lets play!

(By the way I watch a lot of House so I could basically have anything but lupus)

 Image

So me –

25 years old,

female,

weight (not telling you. More than it should be but not enough for me to feel guilty),

employment  – n/a,

diet – meat…..and whisky sauce

“Symptoms” –

Tired, like all the time. 8 hours sleep is not enough. 10+ needed and even then a nap is nice mid day

Constant feeling of unwellness. Sort of like that coming down with something feeling.

On and off depression, been going on for 10 years now. Usually alleviated by anti depressants of varying strengths but not been on these for a while.

Long cycles and painful as all fuck periods. Like paaaaainfulllll. Cycles are somewhat regular. Currently on shortest of 28 days, longest of 36. That’s for the last 11 months. AF usually shows anywhere between those days.

2 emc’s/ cp’s (chemical pregnancies – see previous blog for details)

11 months of ttc with above results.

So lets google and see what we get!!!

So according to google the top result was something called “Hypothyroidism” – I rule this one out as past blood tests have come back normal.

In second place we have “Bipolar Disorder”…. Just no google. Don’t try to throw conditions like this at me. It’s already been diagnosed that I just have boring old clinical depression…gawd….

And third place with another wtf face from is (drum roll please) …………..Heat Exhaustion – Yeah I know. In Ireland, in April…In Ireland. Have you seen the weather here??????

So the lesson of today is don’t bother googling what’s wrong with you. Chances are you’re fine and just need to take it easy. Google is evil. You will always find yourself on the forum where everyone had the worst case scenario. Headache? Well that’s a tumor. Blister? Nope sorry that’s gangrene and the poor guy that had it eventually lost his foot and then caught MRSA from the hospital where they removed the leg.

Stick to what you know. Are you dying? No? Then you’re fine. If you’re doctor says your results are normal then they were normal. This is more for my own brain than anything else 😀

This has been a blog by me. STOP GOOGLING YOUR BODY!!!!! IF YOU WERE REALLY ILL YOU’D KNOW ABOUT IT!!!

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The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

Published April 24, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Recently I’ve been sort of living in my own head. Not so much troubled more just in deep thought. There’s nothing wrong I’m just I dunno… Feeling distant from the world around me. I don’t like where I currently am in the world. I have no job and no set plan. I’m sort of lost in chaos trying to find where I’m going. It has crossed my mind in a 1% idea to head back home and leach off my mum. Find a job there on a call centre for 2 years and see where I go from there. As said that is a tiny tiny and incredibly improbable concept. Mostly because I can’t and won’t leave Kim. The current plan is of course Denmark but as I don’t speak the language and have that little skill in learning languages it is sort of difficult to try for. Every position I see I’m under qualified for or I just don’t fit the bill at all. After 10 minutes of searching I feel like a waste of space on society and will regret all decisions made in the last 10 years. Well I say all. Mostly 1 of dropping out of college. Like why didn’t I bother with it? Am I really that stupid that I didn’t understand it or was I so tired with authority figures tying to control my life that I thought working might be easier? Afterall it’s the same problem with authority that made me loathe my past roles so much anyways.

Looking for jobs makes me question my worth. It’s something that confuses a lot of people when they meet me. I’m the person who can define self-confidence and self-esteem. I have the self-confidence that’s for sure. Hell I’m writing all this on a public blog that everyone I know is free to view. I openly discuss my worries with a world I barely know. I’m the one who will in front of a room full of people lead the charge against something I believe in. But that’s where it ends. This is where the self-esteem comes in. I view myself as a bad person. This weeks current negatives come from the fact that my skin resembles that of Two-face’s.  My trousers are sitting uncomfortably which means I’m conscious of my ever flabby stomach. I’m afraid of my friend visiting and his only memory of the week is “wow, she packed on a few pounds”. Maybe I’m going crazy. I worry that I’m stupid due to my limited knowledge of the world around me. It’s backed up by my inability to write anything decent despite my love of it. This is honestly the stuff that goes through my brain. Self esteem has never and will never be my strong point and it certainly isn’t aided by companies looking for “enthusiastic team players”. What ever happened to just employing people to do a god damn job?

I’m also worrying about the 2nd miscarriage and whether I should get checked out right now. Currently on cycle 11 and with 2 in the logs it sort of plays on my mind. It also doesn’t help watching the forums and feeling that I’m getting left behind. It’s also NIAW this week ( National infertility awareness week) and despite wanting to support it I sort of feel I can’t as I’m yet to be lumped in with any sort of diagnosis. So I’m in limbo with that as well. Leave it for Denmark is my main idea but when will that be and even if we get there do I feel right going to a doctor that 1- I can’t communicate with well and 2- I feel I don’t deserve the help from when I’ve practically only just arrived in the country?

This stuff is clearly distracting me at times but when I go to explain it, it’s like my mouth and brain become disconnected. I just go with “yeah…I’m just blegh is all”. As said there is nothing majorly wrong. I’m not depressed or even sad. I’m just distracted. I need something to set my mind on trying, something I know has an actual goal. I don’t mean like completing a game or building something. More a life goal, I need to know where I’m going and what I’m doing. Without it I’m driving myself mad.

For once I’m not even sure to post this one. This is all too much in my own head. I’ve been planning for days to get this out of my system. Writing is my outlet and if people read it that is their choice. Not sure I’ll answer any questions regarding it all but we’ll see.

 

 

When someone asks if you’re a god…

Published April 20, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Freya says YES!!! (And not like Daniel Bryan)

Today I’m going to talk about the Pathfinder game we play each week. I’m Freya, the group’s Dwarf Barbarian. I tried finding a picture that would display the epicness and grandeur of the character but nothing seemed to fit. Lets just say Freya will one day become a deity or if that fails she’ll be leader of a nation and will smite all who oppose her.

She’s joined by healy priest,cleric,mage, preacher and know-it-all thing Meredith. She’s the one with the apparent “good” in her however seems to have a thing for succubi and releasing them on innocent victims. She also likes searing hands a little too much.

We have Vanian the monk who using her high levels of skill and lucky dice rolls can run up walls and punch out bad guys. She also likes the song kung fu fighting.

Next is the half ork – Sheraz, cheraz, quantro…whatever – who hasn’t been there long. She came in after the player had his last 2 characters destroyed. And I mean flattened. We expect the same to happen with this one any time soon. In Pathfinder being smart is not always good.

And finally we have the afk one. Andarius the dragon caster guy. Whose mother is a whore. Oh did I not mention that before? She’s a whore, a slut and a harlot. Probably where Meredith gets her taste from. Basically Meredith is an orphan (nice bland background there) and Andarius is of course the son of a noble woman and her one night fling. Thanks to the 2 of them not covering all loose ends with their pasts it was decided their mother got around a bit in her young times and the 2 of them are actually related. So as I stated before “She’s a whore, a slut and a harlot”.

Now we’re currently questing through the Rise of the Runelords books (http://tiny.cc/roe2cw) and coming up to the final encounter. It’s been a good run, I still have no idea at all how power attack is meant to work but I do know I hate grapple and how it’s worked out and that if you get grappled you basically have no option whatsoever than to be squished.

The final fight will be interesting. Mostly because of how attached I’ve become to my character over the last year or so. Freya eventually gained back story, a personality. Hell even a husband. I guess what I’m saying is if she dies, then a little part of me dies too. Am I willing to give that up so easily? I don’t know…I’m not sure if it’s the same for other gamers out there. It will be sad to leave the characters that I’ve grown to love. I’ll miss the arguments that me and Meredith often have. Usually it’s me having an awesome idea and her saying that it’s not really suitable…But what does she know? I’ll miss seeing if Andarius’ bastard child grows to be a dragon as well. I’ll miss getting the monk drunk. I won’t miss the ork so much. He just spends his time letting me get hit by bosses so….

We’ll defiantly have to write our own tales after the story’s end. I refuse to just let the end be it.  Freya will continue to fight and will battle foes once again! After all who else is that good? Except maybe Shepard…

 

Nothing to see here.

Published April 18, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So after the last blog I’ve just been doing some thinking. Not serious thinking, god no my brain can’t handle that. Just simple thinking. As much as others think I should get checked out I’m going to leave it till I’ve moved to Denmark. I don’t want to undergo testing and such and then half way need to drop it and pick it up elsewhere. I’ll be fine anyways. I’m alive so all is good.

I’m currently playing quite a bit of WoW. Even though I left the company I still enjoy the raiding especially now that I’ve geared my healer. She’s got good to a point where i got a guild offer. Not bad for a bank alt ^^

Life has been simple the last few days. Yesterday I was freaking that I would never get a job. Regretting every life decision I’d ever made. Luckily I’ve shunned that little voice to the back of my head. No way am I letting myself get depressed over nothing. I’m better than that.

No news on when we will be moving yet but I’m figuring out the language very slowly but surely. Mostly slowly..Have decided I’ll read/write it first and then figure it out from there. Once that is down I’ll be ok.

I miss my family recently. I don’t miss the travelling home which is what is holding me off going back. That and the cost of it but I miss them none the less. Miss playing games on the sofa and shouting at Sarah to push the gate and jump backwards and then shouting as Lara jumps left and dies…Fucking Lara…

Not sure what to write today just wanted to let people know I’m alive and well. Dumdidum…Oh been watching a lot of Sherlock, It’s surprisingly good and so much better than Tony Stark feat. Jude Law. This guy looks strangely better too 😉

 

Dont Care how, I want it now…..The consequences.

Published April 14, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So today I’m going to write about a fun subject. Chemical fucking pregnancies.

Taken from google – “A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.”

Now before I started TTC I’d never heard of such a thing. Women were either pregnant or they weren’t. They had miscarriages yes but not something like this. This to be honest is a cruel joke I find. It’s the telling a child they’re going to Disney Land just to instead take them to the dentist. To see that excitement and then to dash it in one foul swoop.

Well today I got to enjoy this for the second time in my TTC life. Wednesday after feeling so off key to how I normally would I did a cheap test. BFP? You can not be serious…Why would I get a BFP? Let’s try this again shall we with a more honest result…BFP….Hm that really can not be right, maybe it’s because they are a cheap brand. I’ll buy some FRER and see what they say. Wow BFP as well on both of them and the lines are quite strong…Shit maybe we have actually done it this month. Maybe I should take back everything I said in my last blog. Maybe I should actually pray to thank whoever is in charge for what’s happened…Shit what if this all goes wrong?

Well after a night of no sleep I finally came round to this idea. I was pregnant. My little pea was there and holy shit we had done it. I was going to stay level though, I knew the risks and what could go wrong. I didn’t bother with the doctors as I knew AF could show again. The day goes by and I’m spending all day feeling rough, headachey and achey. Crampy which I was assured was normal. I began to relax into this idea that it could go ok. 80% chance of being fine. That’s fucking good odds I’m figuring. The next day goes by, all well. Little less achey but hey I must just not be as aware of it today. Go to sleep feeling happy.

Today I woke, migraine splitting my head in two. And then I felt it..the cramping, something I knew very well. Not the cramping I’d had the last few days. No this was stronger and I knew exactly what was going on. My pregnancy had ended within 3 days. At 4w 2d I had lost my second pea.

Can I say I’m upset? To be honest…Not really. Disappointed? Yes I am. Pissed off? For sure. It’s been a good few days and I’ve enjoyed dreaming of the future and I’ve enjoyed the fact that we finally reached that stage again. Having it taken away has sucked but I was prepared for it this time. I might not be happy about it but I’m not sad for it.

It’s been a long few days. Maybe next time I will be lucky. Maybe next time I’ll get my pea and it will be mine forever. We will see. Either way chemical pregnancies suck and should not exist….I apologise to anyone who may have felt my wrath at all today and I apologise to anyone this might worry. Don’t worry because honestly I am fine. I’m alive and it’s not the end of the world. I will get what I want. I always do, whether it’s now or in 10 years time.

 

Oh to help people who arn’t in with the acronyms –

BFP – Big fat positive

TTC – Trying to conceive

FRER – First Response Early Response

AF – Aunt Flo ( Or Ahhh Fuck as Kim has decided it should be)

Fury know no bounds

Published April 9, 2012 by reachandflexibility

This morning I am a ball of un needed rage. Not because anything has happened just because I have gotten up. My tired mood seems to have followed me from last night and I can only find myself shouting at the internet connection this morning while hoping that the population of the world has gotten back to work after the “holiday” so that I can do some damn shopping and get myself out of the house.

The other night I was feeling hopeful. Me and Kim were chatting about kid’s names. This was bought on by a terrible thread I made where they were trying to decide whether to call their child Mason or Maison. The second one means house you dumb bitch!!! “oh but the spelling looks nicer” ………………….really?????? Ugh how come these morons can bear children and people with common sense can’t????

Last night I started feeling less hopeful. Any aches and pains I’ve had are beginning to die down as they normally would and besides what gives me the right to be lucky after this long? Why bother testing as I know after almost a year what they will say? Why did I expect this to be so easy? I assumed being 25, in the prime of my lie, promised by all those books and sites that it would be easy. Within 6 months? Well sign me up! I know others have been trying longer but I feel like being selfish today. I need to get this all off my chest before I head up town and see all those happy women. The woman in the Thai place is getting bigger by the day. Isn’t it great that the one place I enjoy is now daunted by her waddling through the place patting her tummy knowingly? Bitch….they’re all bitches. Not because they’ve wronged me, no that would be too easy. But because they’ve got what I want. I’m a mass of jealous anger. I was once described as someone who has righteous fury. I don’t know if it’s just fury in this case but it makes sense as to how I handle situations.

To be honest I can’t even be sympathetic towards myself. I should be happy and determined that “my time will come” but like the brat from Willy Wonka all I can think is “DON’T CARE HOW, I WANT IT NOW!!!”…Well look what happened to her. After typing this I do feel a little better and ready to take on the world. Being 25 I guess time is on my side and that’s all it is, A matter of time. I just wish I could see the future so I didn’t think that all this was for nothing.

Suitable listening for my mood.

ø,oe or ur???

Published April 6, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So as things go I’m moving to Denmark. Kim took the redundancy at work (the one I missed out on by 6 days) and we have chosen to head to a more logical country. I’m looking forward to it even if it does mean I’ll be further away from home, can’t speak the language at all and will be away from friends who I’ve grown to love. It’s going to be interesting that’s for sure.

I’m trying to type today and have a sort of writers block. I wanted to review about Lego Batman which I’ve been playing all week but I’m doubting my skills writing anything at the moment. Today I guess I’m just in a mood with everyone and everything. My body is playing devious tricks with me and has been for about a week so I just don’t know where I stand with it at all. Getting tired of it and just want May to come so I can start tests. Though how that will work with moving to Denmark I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to leave it for a few further months instead. People keep saying just relax and it will happen. Most of these people are ones that have no clue though. They either have kids or have been “trying” for about a week or aren’t trying at all. Well you know what? FUCK THEM! I’ve said bollocks to the forums and Facebook and I’m going to stress about it!

Humph….*sulks* I really must have pissed someone off in a past life to end up like this. I try to be a good person. Well maybe a little judgemental and I criticize everything. That and I have said some pretty nasty things about people but doesn’t everyone? Maybe I’m being trialed by fire for it. I need to earn what I want rather than expecting it to just be given to me. But how do you earn something that is apparently natural?

I said at the start of the blogs I wouldn’t moan like this but I find writing clears my mind. Recently my brain has felt cluttered. I blame the mess around the house in sort of feng shui type way to be fair. I need to stop being so lazy but I’m thinking why bother as I’ll be packing anyways, and hopefully soon. I’m looking forward to moving way too much 😀

I’ll just link to this – This explains my main reason for being excited – http://satwcomic.com/exotic-food I fucking love their food!!!

I miss this too ^^