I passed the interview. Starting the 1st September, I will be doing a 4 year degree in teaching. I’m just so full of different feelings right now. Excited, nervous, unsure but determined.
I have a goal now, a life again, something to aim for and to focus on. I feel like a person again. I feel like me again.
To give you all a backstory I finished my GCSE’s with good grades but at 17 went off the rails and flunked my AS’. I managed 3 U’s and an E in psychology. The only reason I managed that was because I had a panic attack and got seated by myself for the exam where I could focus and relax. I dropped out shortly after that and went straight into a working life. No qualifications for me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I went back to college and found out within 2 weeks of being there that I was pregnant with our long awaited daughter. I aced the 1st year despite the tough pregnancy, 3 weeks after the exams had Beth and then 4 months later we unexpectedly moved to Denmark. I never even started my second year. I just became a mother and nothing else. I never regained any sense of purpose. Only that sense of jumping through hopes to try and achieve anything.
But I’ve finally got it now. And I don’t want to lose this. I will do my best to get through this, to work hard, to be a good mother, to be a good role model to my little girl. To be a good wife to the man I love. I owe him that much after all these years of him supporting us. I can do this. I know it,
I have no options right now. I woke up to an email where the phrase “Based on what you describe, you do not fulfill the above-mentioned requirements.” was used twice. A gentle reminder that the decision I made 10 years to drop out of college was here to stay. My only choice, learn Danish well enough to pass the equivalent of the A levels here and then apply again. It can’t be done. I’ve gone through 16 teachers at my sprogskole now. I’m still unable to hold a conversation with someone. Why bother?
So my other option is to find work in an area I have no interest in. Back to customer service or worse. Some dead end shelf stacking job. And that’s provided they want me in English. Which they won’t as why hire someone who doesn’t speak the local language when the locals speak English just as well. The kommune were nice enough to change how much money I get. Which in turn changed our other levels of income. Meaning we’re now worse off each month. And then they expect me to pay for transport to jobs I couldn’t care less about. Transport they also raised the cost of.
I’m pissed. I have to have a meeting today with the kommune who will ask me what my aims are. Currently they are to try not to tear off the heads of any person who thinks this has an easy solution. Like “Do you just want to move back to the UK?”. I’m not even justifying that with a fucking answer.
I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alienated and alone. Working in an area I don’t want to. Among people I share nothing in common with. Not even the language.
I recently started seeing an psychiatrist. He determined I worry too much. And then I justify my worrying and then end up in a cycle stressed out. Yes I do that. I admit it. I see myself doing it right now. But how do you stop with something like this? Should I be apathetic to the situation? Should I be proactive and then be shot down at every corner and just accept it? I am just so fucking angry with this whole situation! This was supposed to be the better life. And it’s just fucked. It’s fucked for me. It’s better for Beth. It’s better for Kim. I’m alone and fucked though. And I refuse to accept it, but all I get told is to calm the fuck down. “We’ll find a way.” “You’re doing great at your Danish.” “don’t worry”.
Today marks my 4 year anniversary of blogging. It’s been a wild ride. From infertility to parenting, work to studying to unemployment, Ireland to Denmark. It doesn’t seem to slow down here. Today I’m trying to find some purpose as usual. My life of solely parenting and useless language lessons has finally got to me. I need to have something to aim for. The lessons are not near good enough and my Danish is still terrible. Like seriously, I can’t even say a simple sentence. There is simply no point me ever speaking it as people speak English anyways.Yes, I know, excuses,excuses but come and be me for a week and see how it is. Me and Kim have been over it a hundred times but I have to be honest with myself. It’s not working. I will not be able to speak this language let alone go to university and study a degree. If I spend at least another year learning it in school then it will be 8 years before I graduate. I’ll be 37. I hate to say it but I don’t want to be a burden that long. I’ve been it long enough already. And Kim might say otherwise. But I’m the one who’s doing this and I have to do something. I have to feel like I’m accomplishing something. I’ve started showing off my crochet work in a hope that someone will buy from me but again realistically that won’t pay well enough. Especially when Facebook limits how much you can show off your work. You have to pay to boost your posts. I’m sorry, but fuck you Facebook.
So I’m left trying to find something I can accomplish over here. I looked at Open University but even with their pay as you go system it’s still too costly for us to afford. I’ve looked at Roskilde University but with the mix of random qualifications I have, it seems I may still not be able to take any of their courses. I’d basically have to still do the high school 2 years here before I could even think of university and of course those courses are in Danish. Talk about a big load of regret being rubbed in my face for not just doing it when I was 17. I don’t like regretting things, everything happens for a reason but fucking hell. If I had just finished my A Levels then I wouldn’t be stuck in this shitstorm right now.
And then there is the issue of Beth, Can I even take a full-time course at a university while taking care of her. Yes there is childcare, but there is also travelling to and from to get her, there’s homework, studying at home, the list goes on. Can that be done when you don’t have family or friends around to help?
Currently I’m just waiting on answers from various people about my options. It’s Easter break though so I don’t expect replies any time soon. I could speak to my work lady at the job center but she already hates the fact that I don’t speak Danish fluently enough to get whatever backwards job she has lined up for me. Like seriously, I want to work but gravedigger is not exactly my preferred choice. As always I’m waiting on others before I can do something myself.
So I’ve not posted in ages. I would say not much has happened but that’s a lie. I’m not pregnant is the first thing though. Just in case anyone wondered if that was the reason for my vanishing.
Things that have happened then. I didn’t get onto my vet nursing which I so hoped I would. I did however get offered the course for canine husbandry so I’ll be doing that instead. I’m very happy with that at least and have been worrying about going back since I got the letter with the offer. Counting down till September 😀
My little sister S (Who’s 24 I might add) got baptised at their local church back home. I’m happy for her and looking forward to the pictures. Though I’m not religious myself, more on the fence with it, she’s taken a liking in the christian side of things and with how tough things have been for her recently I’m glad she’s found something good to help her get through it.
My friend J is has reached 17 weeks pregnant and is still going strong. She had some problems at the start just after she had received my gifts for her birthday and a small part of me thought maybe I’d caused the problem. Very very unlikely but with my luck so far on that front I thought maybe I’d gone and passed the torch in some way…Well everything has been fine and we’re been discussing names and her birth plans. Which I have to say I’ve enjoyed.
On a baby front for me nothing has happened. There’s been no clinic stuff simply because we can’t afford it. At 100€ just to see the Dr it’s sort of back of the mind type issue right now. Adoption of course was not really an option and I’m not too big on fostering as I’ve probably explained in the past. For now I’m still hopeful that we’ll have kids one day but now is just not when it’s going to happen.
So from a few weeks back I decided to focus on the things I can control. My weight was top of the list. With a year out of work, fertility meds, depression and a hell of a lot of eating I’ve got to the point where I’m pretty self-conscious of my body and was sort of becoming a recluse. At least in my eyes anyways. I’ve so far cut out fizzy drinks (mostly) and a lot of the snacks and choccy and junk I was eating before. Fruit has actually become a part of my diet. This isn’t a diet by the way. If I think of it as a diet I won’t stick to it. This is a subconscious change of things and I’m going to enjoy it. I’ve also taken up this workout called Hip Hop Abs. Day 3 in and oh my god my legs are killing me. But I’m going to keep going. I’m enjoying it. My only concern with things right now is the summer heat which I’ve never been able to deal with. I’m hoping a good storm shows up soon.
I’m also trying to get out more. Being a recluse has limited my friend circle of people I see. It’s really just me and Kim recently as everyone else has their own lives. I’m not angry at them just a littler irked that as usual I’m the one having to make the effort. I won’t go into much detail on all that as to be honest I’m still trying to structure my thoughts from the primal urge which screams “I care about your problems but I know that’s not the real reason you’ve not bothered with us”…I need to structure that and think on it before I even bother digging the hole. But with more social I’ve been looking into local roleplay groups, organising cinema trips for me and the odd friends I’ve not seen in ages and for the first time in ages I genuinely want to meet some new people, even if I am terrible at small talk. We’ll see how that goes. Least I’ve got Kim to support me 🙂
Apart from all that nothing much else has happened. My life is pretty dull and things are just moving along slowly. You’ll prob next get an update in September about college and my most probably weight gain 😛
These last few days I’ve been feeling pissy. Not at anything in particular. You know those days where you just get up and you hate the postman for being late, the covers being that little bit too close and you hate especially the fact that you need to go outdoors. That’s how I’ve felt. I’m just feeling wound up by everything in my life at the moment. Everything is going fine but everything is in limbo. Am I stressed because of the way things are or am I stressed for another lame reason?
I’ve just had my Animal Welfare exam a few days ago and for the first time in my life I didn’t just want to do Ok. I wanted to do brilliant. I worried to the max about it and like in any exam I sat down, opened the paper and realised I probably wouldn’t do as well as I wanted. The questions were worded to a point I couldn’t find a good starting point to even answer them. Some of them I just didn’t even know the answer to despite reading the notes 5 minutes before we started. I keep thinking over my answers now and dreading getting my results back. I really hate exams.
I’ve still not got my letter telling me when my college interview will be. I know it is the week of the 20th May but I really want something on writing telling me when and where it will be. Something so I can put my mind at ease a little. I’ve not had my letter about my divorce through either and I was expecting it 3 months ago. I asked my ex and his excuse was that he’d been busy. Yeah sorting your holiday to Disney Land! It does not take 3 months to fill in a form and email it!
On the job front nothing has really come up. Kim may have found a job in Copenhagen so we’re waiting on the details of that to come through in a month’s time. If it’s a good enough job then we’ll probably be looking to pick up and move over there. Something that we wanted to do a year ago but couldn’t because of the lack of jobs. I also sent my CV to a company in Berlin who emailed me asking when I could do an interview. I’ve not heard anything since I replied on Monday so I’m not sure where things are with that. I wouldn’t mind moving to Berlin to be honest but it would mean going back into customer service and not veterinary which is where I’d rather be. A jobs and job though right?
Then there is the normal little voice in my head asking why I’m still not pregnant. The voice that know’s we’re only 3 weeks off the 2 year mark. I was finally getting close to accepting things and just enjoying life and then the typical curveball came into play. A friend of mine a few months back told me she was struggling to conceive her second. A person I actually knew in real life who had a face and a history we shared. I finally felt connected to someone. Well about 2 weeks ago I messaged her asking how she was. Well she was pregnant… My link, my understanding voice, was gone. I’m happy for her, really I am but it’s tough to not think the usual thoughts. Why isn’t it my turn? I bought her son and new bean gifts for her birthday. For the first time in my life I bought baby clothes and they weren’t even for me. People don’t get that as hey don’t you normally buy them for friends and such anyways, but I never have. I honestly expected to be buying them for me the first time I ever had to. I was proud of myself for getting them as looking at them all I just wanted to cry. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I’ve put my banner on Facebook, I even made a story of it for Imgur to let them all know and yet it feels like nothing has changed. I’m open about it all anyways as I hate subjects being taboo. If you can’t even talk about it then it will never be solved. I guess I’m just tired of this journey especially when nothing is happening on it. Part of me just wishes someone could turn around and tell me it was impossible for me to have children just so I could have some closure on it all. But I won’t get that until I know what’s going on with the rest of my life. Did I mention that out of all the blogs I started following a year ago only 2 of them currently arn’t pregnant?
So am I pissy this week because of all of the above? Maybe I’m just pissy because it’s somewhere towards the end of my cycle and my PMS is kicking in. Maybe it really is the weather. Whatever it is chocolate sure makes things better.
So I’ve not updated in a while mostly because I’ve had nothing to blog about. My last cycle was a grand total of 24 days meaning I had 3 periods within 6 weeks, each as painful as the last. I honestly thought with the last one that my ovaries were being shot through my knee caps. Not fun at all.
Everything has sort of been on hold. I’ve requested me and Kim’s notes from the clinic just so I can go over all the numbers for my own piece of mind really. You guys know how it is. Something to google. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors at all, I just like to have all the facts myself.
We also got our letter through about the adoption information meeting. This is the first step to seeing if we want to make an application and whether it will be intercountry or domestic and what our options really are. I’m excited about it but at the same time a little nervous as all I’ve heard is horror stories about people being stuck in the system for years and it costing the earth. I sort of want to be naive about it all and it flies by but I know that’s never the case.
I’m still doing my day at the vets and it’s going well. I’m enjoying it and just counting the time to my college interview and then whether I will get in or not. Then I can worry about the financial side of things. I’m sort of in a limbo with it at the moment but the vet stuff is keeping me intrested. Got my animal welfare exam coming up on the 22nd April and I’m not looking forward to it. 2 1/2 hour written exam with essay questions. I need to revise and badly…
So yeah not alot going on at the moment. Just waiting for things to happen and trying to keep myself occupied to stop the crazies from setting in.
Andrew: We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.
So currently on CD16 after starting on the pill and AF shows. My body aches and I have no idea why. I’m going to just forget the pill if my body is going to be messed up anyways. Why take it if I don’t ovulate and don’t have sustainable hormone levels? I’ve been trying to accept that I may never have children of my own and it’s a strange feeling. I’ve only once felt let down by it all and that was when we saw a scan on the TV happening. Like I might never experience that. I might never see that heartbeat or that little baby wriggling around. I could adopt but I’d miss out on one of the biggest experiences life has to offer. I guess I just don’t think that is fair. I’m trying to remain optimistic about things going on around me but it’s tricky at times especially when I don’t know how things will pan out.
I decided to stay in Ireland for my birthday instead of travelling back home as planned. With costs and being between my mum’s/dad’s it just wasn’t easy. Instead I spent the day with Kim eating Thai food (and even surprise choccy brownie with a candle) and relaxed all day. It was really all I could ask for. My 26th birthday come and gone with no big celebration. I’m thankful for that as quite frankly I don’t want to get any older. It’s not something people seem to understand but I think it’s because it’s been drilled in to me along the line somewhere that everything sort of goes downhill after 30. At 30 you’re expected to have children and be married and have a full-time career and well I have none of that and the clock is just ticking away without giving me a chance to catch up. Instead I’m 26, getting divorced, unemployed and possibly going back to school a decade too late and struggling with infertility. This sort of isn’t how I planned for things to happen but then again when has my life ever gone to plan?
But oh well. My birthday went well and I got to spend it with the man I love. And that’s all I could really ask for. I made my birthday wish and with any hope that will come true. Until then I will just go through the motions, making the most of the things I do have in my life. A perfect other half, amazing friends and family and a dog that will eat my socks. And hey, if I’m lucky a miracle might come my way some time…
And oh yeah “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”
Well that’s it. The Clomid cycle failed. I got my hopes up yet again and was struck down yet again. I’ve pulled myself through it and done some thinking.
I’ve thrown in the towel. 18 months, 19 cycles, 2 losses and numerous blood and scan tests I’m done. This isn’t a sulk thing for now this is a I need to deal with other things in my life thing. I didn’t want to go through IVF in the long run and IUI isn’t an option over here and really do I want to go through all those procedures? I know I’d be strong enough for it but I can’t keep letting my infertility rule my life. I want to go back to college. I want to get married to Kim and I want to be happy. I don’t want my life to be tainted each month by the things I may never have. I want to enjoy being intimate again just for the sake of being intimate. I’m 26 on the 10th and all I could think when I woke up this morning was “that’s 4 years from 30, they say it’s downhill from then”. I shouldn’t be thinking that at 26. I shouldn’t be thinking it at 30 either. I should be enjoying my life and relaxing.
I’ve gone back on the pill. Now this is probably useless and will just cost me a few euros every couple of months but its more for peace of mind. At the end of each month I’ve gone loopy thinking “could this be it???” and on the pill I won’t do that, As I’ll know combined with my own infertility the chances of getting pregnant will be 0%. ( I still don’t understand people who get pregnant on the pill, I’m assuming they’re doing it wrong).
I’ve applied for my college course and have actually found work experience at a veterinary clinic. I’ll be doing 1 day a week and possible Saturdays to watch over consultations. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve also got my animal welfare course coming to an end in a few months and I really need to start paying attention and getting ready for the 2 hour exam at the end. Something I know I can ace if I just stick with it and don’t get distracted. I really want to become a vet.
I’ve also managed to get the welfare people to help me out as well. I sucked up my pride and went in with everything they needed and they rang me yesterday saying I’d get a letter about payment. I hope it’d good news.
Things have finally started coming together for me, this last cycle was the only cycle where I’ve questioned if I really wanted to be pregnant in the near future or whether I want a child from September onwards and that’s been the turning point. I can’t keep placing my life on hold. Maybe in the future when all has settled down we’ll be on this path again or we’ll go for adoption. That’s the more likely solution I’m thinking. We’ll sort it when we’re prepared.
It seems though with me getting better everyone else around me has started to crumble. Kim hates his job and I’m the real cause as to why he’s still there because we couldn’t support us both while I go to the college. It just seems like he’s giving up so much to make me happy and that’s not what I want. I want to make him smile again. My little sister has started having problems and I worry greatly about her as well. Is karma that I get better and everyone else gets worse because that’s not really fair…
Ah well this has been a long post and I will keep posting if only to keep track of my frustrations and achievements. TTC is not easy and my love goes out to all those still trying. I wish I was as strong as all of you.
Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.
A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.
I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.
I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much – Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.
Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂
My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂
So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.
I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.
Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday – Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.
I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.
Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.” Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that? Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.