So you remember my old post “Booyah” – The one where I said “So CD16 and the internet cheapy tests I bought have made me happy. They positived and then they negatived and that means that I fucking ovulated!” – Yeah this turned out to be bullshit. Today I got to meet my specialist Dr.W (and his creepy german accent) and was told all bloods were fine except for my progesterone which showed I didn’t OV. So despite the positive tests my body built itself up and then went “you know what? Fuck it…” Yeah I sat there and knowing it might have happened but not truely expecting it just went “oh…”I then got attacked by mrdildocam and his cold cold lube and there was a brief “yeah all normal”. I’ve been placed on 50mg of Clomid with another ultrasound on CD10 then an injection of something called Pregnyl if my body actually bothers to produce anything. Then it’s left to luck and more waiting. To be honest this whole appointment seemed to fly by.
I can’t say how I feel about it all. Happy that we have progress. Progress is good. I’m upset that my body has failed me. I don’t know how to ellaborate on that. It’s let me down. Is it my fault it’s like this? I need to think on it. My FSH was good however. Normal is 9 and mine was 6.7. Yay for my FSH!
Good news as well is that Kim is all healthy. That seriously is one big worry off my mind. Worries currently are 1 – costs. Today cost 325 euros. I don’t know how much the medication will be. I know my ultrasound will be another 100 euros. Can we afford this?
Worry number 2 is side effects – They are as follows – Hot Flashes, Bloating and Abdominal Discomfort, Weight Gain, Mood Swings, Nausea and Dizziness, Headaches, Abnormal Menstrual Bleeding, Breast Tenderness, Blurred Vision, Ovarian Cysts, Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and I’m sure a few more. If anyone can put my mind at ease please do.
Meanwhile in my life though I missed a potential job due to having my phone off and may have missed another job due to my terrible navigational skills. I do however have the new WoW expansion to play but I’m not sure if I’m enjoying it as much as I used to. I’ll review it when I have the energy. For now I’m just going to sleep.
“This is the first day of the rest of your life, but what kind of life will it be, huh? Will it be a life of fear, of “Oh, no no no I can’t do this”? Of never once believing in yourself?”
Walter – Breaking Bad – A No-Rough-Stuff Type Deal
So we got our initial appointment booked for Wednesday. Less than a week now and I’m trying to be relaxed about things. I say trying, I have a feeling I’m hassling Kim with forms and appointment times a little more than is considered normal but I can’t help it. I just want things to go easily and with as little stress caused as possible. Easier said than done.
I’m excited yet nervous as hell about it all and what will be said. Excited as whatever they find they can do something about. It’s the first step to getting us a baby. It’s something happening and not just limbo. I’m nervous though that they find a lot wrong with both of us and it’s impossible to treat and they shunt us forward to IVF. Now I don’t want this to come across wrong to anyone but when I think of women going through IVF they’re all in their 30’s and have either been trying for years, have left motherhood late for jobs or simply haven’t met the right guy. I’m 25… I guess in my world I feel too young for IVF. I’m a little scared by it all. And what if they find that by some miracle I’m fine and Kim has the problem. Will he feel bad for it? Will there be anything that we can do? Will I be ok with that? I don’t know how I’m going to react with anything I hear from them. I know if I’m the problem I’m going to feel guilty as hell as I can’t give Kim the family he deserves and instead will be dragging him through hell and back.
I keep being told not to worry and what happens happens but how do you relax with something like this? This could change our lives for the better or for the worst.
In other news I started my evening course last night at the college. I may have been my normal mental self and for some reason disagreed with everything said to me. Not through looking for arguments. But just through honest difference in opinion. Everyone else however was not on my line of thinking. As normal. I’m now trying to find logic to back up my illogical ideas. I’m already causing more work for myself just by asking questions. I really need to learn this logic that everyone else is so big on.
I’ve also been shouting at the job centre place again. They’ve been completely stupid and are asking me for things that I just don’t and will never have as well as just not listening to what I’m asking them. I get the feeling that they will never help me and are tired of the work that they’re having to do. Do they think that I’m not doing anything to look for work? Do they think I enjoy sitting around the house worrying about the income and the bills and the costs of getting through life? The guilt of not being able to find anything in this pathetic country despite so much experience? Do they think I enjoy being a leach and useless in every way?
Yeah I’m stressed as normal. 1 dpo and no hope for this cycle. Cycle 16 and I don’t expect anything different to what has happened in previous cycles. Oh well you never know what might happen. Everything might be fine. I might go for my appointment on Wednesday and they do their scan and reveal I’m pregnant and all is well. That’s dream thinking right there 🙂
So prepare for some dull stuff. If you’re not into WoW this will bore you incredibly but I wanted to go on about my characters for a post. WoW is a big part of my time during the days and keeps my mind from the worries that build up in my fragile little mind so here goes.
I currently have a total of 6 level 85 characters. All on the same realm, same faction and surprisingly all female. There’s something about playing male characters that I just don’t feel comfortable with. Most of them are gnomes too (which are the best of the races….stop argueing they are!)
Anyways we have my main – This is Alpy – My first ever character in WoW. She’s a mage, mining engineer, chef, and highest dps on any server anywhere in the world. Trust me I’m a wow player 😀
Next we have my tough and mighty tank Whipple-
Look at her taming that big crocodile – Amazing isn’t she!
We have the lock (Wabble) and second mage (Kærlighed) (Yes I like mages – levelled 6 so far so expert mage here – except frost…nobody plays that pvp shit)
I apologise for the cropping but I’m not a Photoshop person at all. I best introduce Phuughun as well (He doesn’t like being left out)
And finally with my hunter (Shinjoo) Named after a character from a slightly graphic japanese dating sim.
The names of the pets are all really chosen by the waps – Jupiter was only caught today and was really called Oomowmow but it sort of didn’t fit him. He’s probably the only one with a proper name. There is all GrrGrr the Devidevisaur, Woofymcbark the police dog and Webby the spider but they’re all currently AFK.
I also sort of wanted to gloat with this post about my recent tame of Jupiter ( one of the rarer of the pets) so muhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Ok. So this post is going to be a bit jumbled in what’s going on. My head today is feeling quite scattered and I don’t think it’s helping looking at Nigel Thornberry .gifs. So I didn’t get into the full time college course that I wanted due to applying so late in the year. Sucks I know but have managed to find an evening course that covers one of the modules so doing that in the meantime. I’m also still doing my pet shop work (by work I mean hoping that all the kids don’t come in and I spend my time standing around with a broom). I will apply again in January and hope they will accept me for next years course. It would have been nice if they had actually told me I wasn’t accepted though but that’s Ireland for you. Useless. I’m also job hunting to try and bring in a bit of extra cash as I’m tired of not having any of my own. That reminds me I should ring the job centre place up to shout at them again.
Currently on CD9 I think… Just really playing a waiting game right now. All bloods have been taken and just need to sort the SA now which we can do in about a weeks time. Then it’s initial appointment time. I’ve been stressing about the costs of all this which is another reason why I could do with the money. Health insurance in Ireland doesn’t cover fertility treatments either. Some will cover like 5% of IVF but that’s it. Public system is far too fucking slow. I just want to find out what’s wrong and then fix it. Is that too much to ask?
Been feeling a little overwhelmed by everything recently. Not too sure what I’m doing, where I’m going, who I even have in my life to turn to about all this shit. Yes I have Kim and I’m very grateful but when I think of family and friends. Well my family don’t live nearby. I can’t go over and play Final Fantasy or just say what I mean. I don’t put things over in writing very well. My friends work shifts and well I say friends. It’s more like friend and I don’t like burdening one person with all my shit. Especially things that I hold so close to my own heart. I need to relax. How can I be so stressed out when I spend all day watching the dog and pattering about on the PC? I have nothing to be stressed about.
On a lighter note got linked this song on Imgur – Enjoy ye of lazy bodies! (myself included)
So CD1. 13dpo and CD1 shows. I shouldn’t even be trying to worry about that should I? It’s almost like my mind is searching for causes at the moment. Something that can be fixed. Painkillers I was prescribed seem to be working fine. Well they’ve taken away the cramps but left my knee aching which is strange. I’m finding it strange how my right leg/knee aching is a warning of AF about to start. Leg you are not connected to my ovaries, Quit fucking around!
With CD1 though does mean in about an hour I can book my CD2-4 bloods. Just need to hope that they have space to fit me in. Last thing I want is for GP to have to take it. I would rather have the nurse and ask her half the worrying questions I have in my mind. Nurses seem to be a lot better at listening than GPs. At least in my experience anyways. Makes me think of the clip at the bottom – 15 seconds to explain your life story and hope that they actually listen to what you’re saying. Maybe they’re just busy with workload. Oh well.
Sill trying to sort all of Kim’s tests. The disadvantages of working 9-5 I guess so trying to find a GP that works weekend to take the 1 vial of blood from him. The bruises haven’t even healed from my last test yet and I’m already looking to be prodded again. Maybe my doctor is a vampire. Might explain why all this blood needs to be taken. Oh well. I guess this is just important to me.
9dpo…5 days to go… Same as last time it seems but this time I’m prepared. This time I’ve had my CD21 bloods taken. If CD1 shows then I’ll have more bloods taken and that means I’m ready for my initial appointment at the clinic. This cycle was my last ditch focus all effort cycle and I’m trying in a strange way not to be hopeful. There was nothing wrong with me for the last week. No symptoms at all. Yesterday it all changed though. I’m trying to ignore it all. I don’t want to be disappointed this cycle.
On this day last year I was at the hospital being told I’d lost my little bean. I spent the day at home alone with a bottle of martini crying at things randomly. It sucked. On Thursday this week we lost the 2nd of the hammies Oegle. She was old and worn and I’m going to miss her dearly. I don’t know if I can think about getting a new hammie at the moment. I’m hoping kharma will help me this cycle to make up for the things that have happened but I don’t know if kharma even exists at the moment. A girl I know has just announced she is pregnant with her 2nd. After the 1st and the constant split ups with her boyfriend it was quite a shock to see she had got pregnant so quickly afterwards. It just doesn’t seem right…
I sort of wish there was a waiting line for things like this. Take your ticket and someone will be with you shortly. I’m not too keen on this ryanair type of system where everyone fights to the front and only the ones who have no idea of how things work get their first whilst the people who deserve to be seated first suffer at the back for an unknown period of time until someone notices and helps. Wierd analogy I know but it sort of makes sense in my world.
I hope this week goes quickly. We’ll see in 5 days.