Well that’s it. The Clomid cycle failed. I got my hopes up yet again and was struck down yet again. I’ve pulled myself through it and done some thinking.
I’ve thrown in the towel. 18 months, 19 cycles, 2 losses and numerous blood and scan tests I’m done. This isn’t a sulk thing for now this is a I need to deal with other things in my life thing. I didn’t want to go through IVF in the long run and IUI isn’t an option over here and really do I want to go through all those procedures? I know I’d be strong enough for it but I can’t keep letting my infertility rule my life. I want to go back to college. I want to get married to Kim and I want to be happy. I don’t want my life to be tainted each month by the things I may never have. I want to enjoy being intimate again just for the sake of being intimate. I’m 26 on the 10th and all I could think when I woke up this morning was “that’s 4 years from 30, they say it’s downhill from then”. I shouldn’t be thinking that at 26. I shouldn’t be thinking it at 30 either. I should be enjoying my life and relaxing.
I’ve gone back on the pill. Now this is probably useless and will just cost me a few euros every couple of months but its more for peace of mind. At the end of each month I’ve gone loopy thinking “could this be it???” and on the pill I won’t do that, As I’ll know combined with my own infertility the chances of getting pregnant will be 0%. ( I still don’t understand people who get pregnant on the pill, I’m assuming they’re doing it wrong).
I’ve applied for my college course and have actually found work experience at a veterinary clinic. I’ll be doing 1 day a week and possible Saturdays to watch over consultations. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve also got my animal welfare course coming to an end in a few months and I really need to start paying attention and getting ready for the 2 hour exam at the end. Something I know I can ace if I just stick with it and don’t get distracted. I really want to become a vet.
I’ve also managed to get the welfare people to help me out as well. I sucked up my pride and went in with everything they needed and they rang me yesterday saying I’d get a letter about payment. I hope it’d good news.
Things have finally started coming together for me, this last cycle was the only cycle where I’ve questioned if I really wanted to be pregnant in the near future or whether I want a child from September onwards and that’s been the turning point. I can’t keep placing my life on hold. Maybe in the future when all has settled down we’ll be on this path again or we’ll go for adoption. That’s the more likely solution I’m thinking. We’ll sort it when we’re prepared.
It seems though with me getting better everyone else around me has started to crumble. Kim hates his job and I’m the real cause as to why he’s still there because we couldn’t support us both while I go to the college. It just seems like he’s giving up so much to make me happy and that’s not what I want. I want to make him smile again. My little sister has started having problems and I worry greatly about her as well. Is karma that I get better and everyone else gets worse because that’s not really fair…
Ah well this has been a long post and I will keep posting if only to keep track of my frustrations and achievements. TTC is not easy and my love goes out to all those still trying. I wish I was as strong as all of you.
Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.
A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.
I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.
I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much – Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.
Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂
My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂
So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.
I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.
Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday – Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.
I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.
Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.” Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that? Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.
So new years resolutions. I actually have some this year as I feel I need to get stuff done and stop leaving it to chance and fate. So here we go –
1 – Lose weight and actually get in shape. Kim says I don’t need to lose any but I’ve got to that stage where I weigh the same as when I moved over to Ireland and I really don’t like it. I want to be able to wear my old trousers that make my ass look good, that’s all I’m asking. So I’m not going any fad diet, I can’t be doing with that. I’m just cutting down on the amount of junk I eat, getting rid of fizzy drinks and moving to fruity water as I think these are a huge part of my weight gain and I’m walking the dog more/ maybe running if I can get past this lazy barrier my body has put up against me.
2 – Get a job. If I can’t do this suck up my pride and ask the welfare for money again, this time without getting sarky with them despite the fact that they’re useless overpaid know-it-alls who if they lost their own jobs would have less chance than I have finding one.
3 – Expand my knowledge in some way this year, I’ll be getting my welfare course qualification so I guess that’s something
As you can see its going to be a busy few months for me and I plan to stick to each of these. 2013 will be my year and I will make it my year. I’m tired of watching everyone else move on with their lives while I sit there dwelling in the past. I’ve had enough of that. I’m making my life happy and god help anyone who tries to stop me.