All posts tagged hope

I did it!

Published August 23, 2016 by reachandflexibility

I passed the interview. Starting the 1st September, I will be doing a 4 year degree in teaching. I’m just so full of different feelings right now. Excited, nervous, unsure but determined.

I have a goal now, a life again, something to aim for and to focus on. I feel like a person again. I feel like me again.

To give you all a backstory I finished my GCSE’s with good grades but at 17 went off the rails and flunked my AS’. I managed 3 U’s and an E in psychology. The only reason I managed that was because I had a panic attack and got seated by myself for the exam where I could focus and relax. I dropped out shortly after that and went straight into a working life. No qualifications for me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I went back to college and found out within 2 weeks of being there that I was pregnant with our long awaited daughter. I aced the 1st year despite the tough pregnancy, 3 weeks after the exams had Beth and then 4 months later we unexpectedly moved to Denmark. I never even started my second year. I just became a mother and nothing else. I never regained any sense of purpose. Only that sense of jumping through hopes to try and achieve anything.

But I’ve finally got it now. And I don’t want to lose this. I will do my best to get through this, to work hard, to be a good mother, to be a good role model to my little girl. To be a good wife to the man I love. I owe him that much after all these years of him supporting us. I can do this. I know it,

An open page

Published May 12, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Just so people are warned this will be one of them soppy pregnancy posts that are sweet but kind of sickening. 

To my Beth,

It’s less than 4 weeks until you’re here and I’m still in a state of shock. There has been only fleeting moments of excitement during this pregnancy. Most of it has been anticipation, worrying, a feeling of disengagement. I still mostly have the same feeling I did when I first found out I was pregnant with you. That “Oh shit” feeling. A feeling that I have to distance myself so that I won’t be hurt when something goes wrong. At 36 weeks you’d think that would have passed and it does at times. At those moments when I catch the Mexican wave of my bump moving or when I’m sorting through your tiny clothing. But then I realise how much more in love with you I am and I have to put myself back into reality again. I can’t let myself get hurt. Especially not at this stage. I’m sorry. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to enjoy pregnancy as much as a lot of other women. Everyday that you’ve moved and every scan I’ve had, every beat of your heart I’ve heard is a blessing. I’m so thankful for it. I worry that these feelings won’t shift and that I won’t be the best mother to you. I’ll try my best to be though.

We have everything ready for you here and it is just a waiting game now. I know that you’ll come when you’re ready. You’re stubborn like me and your father so will do as you please but I sort of hope you’re here sooner rather than later. I just want to know you’re safe. My control freak side of my mind wants to watch over you and protect you and the sooner you arrive, the sooner I can do this. Then I know everything will be ok. Even the dog expects your arrival. He barely leaves my side. He was always bad for being clingy with me but he knows that things are changing. He’ll protect you, just as us parents will.

I’m looking forward to seeing what type of child you’ll be. Will you still react to AC/DC or Top Gear the way you do currently with rolls and kicks to rival JCVD? Will you be a bookworm like your dad or a gamer like your mum? Will you sleep as much as pup or be up all night like the hammy? I look forward to these parts. As much as pregnancy has been tough the end result will be worth it. Childbirth scares me but it’s a 1 way trip. And I know it’s one I can get through. I’m not scared of the pain, I’m scared of losing control, but in that situation I just have to go with it. I just have to remember what it’s all for. Just need to remember that your dad is with me and that I love him and you so dearly.

I look forward to silly things as well. Like binning the bottles of Gaviscon. I might actually need a small party or event just to signify that moment in my life more than anything. I’m looking forward to a nice cold glass of wine. I’ll admit now I’ve had the odd singular beer during the last few months. A risk I know but I’ve made sure not to be stupid about it. I’m looking forward to pate on toast again and being able to view myself in a mirror without being reminded of the stay puff marshmallow man. Strangely enough I’m looking forward to breastfeeding. Something that I was very against years ago now seems enjoyable to me. My views on it in public haven’t changed at all but it’s a start. Most of all I look forward to us being a family. Mum, dad, you, pup and the waps of course.

To my Beth, despite all my worries I love you. That I never worry about.


As close as he can get to protect you.

Reasons for everything.

Published April 25, 2013 by reachandflexibility

These last few days I’ve been feeling pissy. Not at anything in particular. You know those days where you just get up and you hate the postman for being late, the covers being that little bit too close and you hate especially the fact that you need to go outdoors. That’s how I’ve felt. I’m just feeling wound up by everything in my life at the moment. Everything is going fine but everything is in limbo. Am I stressed because of the way things are or am I stressed for another lame reason?

I’ve just had my Animal Welfare exam a few days ago and for the first time in my life I didn’t just want to do Ok. I wanted to do brilliant. I worried to the max about it and like in any exam I sat down, opened the paper and realised I probably wouldn’t do as well as I wanted. The questions were worded to a point I couldn’t find a good starting point to even answer them. Some of them I just didn’t even know the answer to despite reading the notes 5 minutes before we started. I keep thinking over my answers now and dreading getting my results back. I really hate exams.

I’ve still not got my letter telling me when my college interview will be. I know it is the week of the 20th May but I really want something on writing telling me when and where it will be. Something so I can put my mind at ease a little. I’ve not had my letter about my divorce through either and I was expecting it 3 months ago. I asked my ex and his excuse was that he’d been busy. Yeah sorting your holiday to Disney Land! It does not take 3 months to fill in a form and email it!

On the job front nothing has really come up. Kim may have found a job in Copenhagen so we’re waiting on the details of that to come through in a month’s time. If it’s a good enough job then we’ll probably be looking to pick up and move over there. Something that we wanted to do a year ago but couldn’t because of the lack of jobs. I also sent my CV to a company in Berlin who emailed me asking when I could do an interview. I’ve not heard anything since I replied on Monday so I’m not sure where things are with that. I wouldn’t mind moving to Berlin to be honest but it would mean going back into customer service and not veterinary which is where I’d rather be. A jobs and job though right?

Then there is the normal little voice in my head asking why I’m still not pregnant. The voice that know’s we’re only 3 weeks off the 2 year mark. I was finally getting close to accepting things and just enjoying life and then the typical curveball came into play. A friend of mine a few months back told me she was struggling to conceive her second. A person I actually knew in real life who had a face and a history we shared. I finally felt connected to someone. Well about 2 weeks ago I messaged her asking how she was. Well she was pregnant… My link, my understanding voice, was gone. I’m happy for her, really I am but it’s tough to not think the usual thoughts. Why isn’t it my turn? I bought her son and new bean gifts for her birthday. For the first time in my life I bought baby clothes and they weren’t even for me. People don’t get that as hey don’t you normally buy them for friends and such anyways, but I never have. I honestly expected to be buying them for me the first time I ever had to. I was proud of myself for getting them as looking at them all I just wanted to cry. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I’ve put my banner on Facebook, I even made a story of it for Imgur to let them all know and yet it feels like nothing has changed. I’m open about it all anyways as I hate subjects being taboo. If you can’t even talk about it then it will never be solved. I guess I’m just tired of this journey especially when nothing is happening on it. Part of me just wishes someone could turn around and tell me it was impossible for me to have children just so I could have some closure on it all. But I won’t get that until I know what’s going on with the rest of my life. Did I mention that out of all the blogs I started following a year ago only 2 of them currently arn’t pregnant?

So am I pissy this week because of all of the above? Maybe I’m just pissy because it’s somewhere towards the end of my cycle and my PMS is kicking in. Maybe it really is the weather. Whatever it is chocolate sure makes things better.

1 year later

Published April 10, 2013 by reachandflexibility

I haven’t posted much since my update on the adoption. I’ve been going over in my mind whether it is worth starting the process or whether we should just keep going as we are. I’m leaning more to just keep trying and hoping but I have this wierd feeling. I feel like I’m mourning something I’ve not even lost yet. I’m mourning birthdays that will never happen, events I will never be a part of. I’m mourning a family I will never have. And it’s confusing because I still have some hope for the future.

I think this feeling has come from the fact that it’s been a year since I was last pregnant in any way or form. It was a year today actually that I found out I was pregnant before my loss a few days later and for those few days I felt anxious but amazing. It was that little bit of hope I needed to keep me going even when it went away. I guess because I knew it might happen again and things might have been ok. But it’s been a year now and nothing. Even with clomid and blood tests there has still be nothing. No glimmer of hope. I think I’m mourning my hope now more than anything. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way but the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all” means something more to me. I used to hate when people would say to me “at least you can get pregnant”. I used to cringe and think to myself, yeah maybe I can but I didn’t want to lose it. Slowly I have found myself drifting to their way of thinking. I wish right now that I could at least get pregnant. I wish I could be excited for that short while even if nervous because I would be over the first hurdle and could let myself hope further. If I lost the child I could still hope for another one knowing that it actually might happen again. I could feel sympathy for myself for the way I was feeling. I could actually mourn a real loss. I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone. Nobody should go through it but in my twisted mind I guess I feel what all those people said to me so long ago. “At least you can get pregnant”. For these thoughts I feel guilty and I’m sorry.

I feel stressed by all this. I’m trying to carry on as normal but it’s at the back of my mind. I feel like a I need a plan. An idea of what is to come that I’m sure will happen. I’ve spent to long living in a “we’ll see” type mentality and it’s making me more on edge everyday. I need to relax. I need to get away from everything.

“If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I’d definitely choose a heart because at least you’d do something. If you’re a brain, at the end of the day all you’re really good at is settling for shitty situations.”

George – Dead Like Me

Jumping through hoops

Published March 27, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So we went to the first adoption meeting. This is the one where they give you all the information and from there you can request an application pack and get on your way to the very long path of adoption. I went in with a sense of excitement and dread. I knew it would be a tough path but I hoped and my god I hoped that it would be an option for us. To put it simply it’s not. I’ll give you the run down of the things I remember from yesterday. Mostly I remember with each fact looking at Kim and the recognition between us both of how can this be done? So –

  •  Only 10% of all prospective adoptive parents end up with a child. This is from start to finish. It’s not like the numbers are even that high but people get refused declaration for their age, health, finances, country choice etc etc. People with declarations get left waiting until the declaration expires. There are people from 3 years ago currently having theirs renewed due to waiting so long.
  • The majority of children up for adoption have special needs in some way. Now whilst I like to think I could deal with any problems that child might have it’s not just me involved in this. It’s Kim as well and realistically we have always wanted a child of our merits. Now the institutionalised problems can be overcome mostly but in a real would I don’t think we could deal with it. We’re being selfish in this we know but I guess it’s not the life we wanted. The more physical problems the children have ranging from spina bifida and cystic fibrosis are nothing I know about. You can request to have a healthy child but there are very few in care domestic or intercountry. Even if you’re ok with adopting an unhealthy child you have to prove your knowledge and show you would be able to. This I can understand but what biological parent has to do this when taking their child home for the first time?
  • Out of the 13 or so countries available for adoption 5 were currently closed for adoptions, 3 I was actually too young to adopt from (this was probably the only good thing that came from it, that I was too young for something for a change). The rest either had extremely long waiting lists and were dealing with a backlog or cost wise they were out of the question.
  • Florida has a cost of 38,000 euros. When asked what these costs covered we couldn’t be told and we would have to find out off someone who had actually adopted from there. Bulgaria the cheapest country was 18,000. Pretty much we can’t afford this and cycles of IVF would be cheaper. They would also be quicker and would result in our own child.
  • Only 34 adoptions worldwide went through last year to bring children into new families in Ireland. Yet there were 600+ people waiting to adopt from countries and there are 4000 children in foster care in Ireland alone. This makes no sense…
  • Me and Kim would need to get police clearance from all countries we have lived in for over 6 months. This is another cost on top of all the other legal things and I don’t even know where to start with it. We would also need to be health checked for any serious issues. Dr’s would need to sign off on current or past problems ie my depression to show that it’s under control in an appropriate way.
  • There is a 4 year minimum wait time. Now this we can handle even if it doesn’t make much sense why there is this wait time. They say they’re putting the children first and yet these children are stuck in the “care” system for months and years waiting for families who are desperate to have children. Families who have jumped through hopes and had checks that any normal mother/father would not have needed.
  • They need to interview coupled friends of the adoptive parents. Now this would be fine if me and Kim actually knew couples here in Ireland. I’ll get this straight I’m not a social person. I will wear my headphones around the city centre even when the battery has gone just so people won’t talk to me. So we know 0 couples.

So basically we’ve hit the wall before we’ve even started as I expected. Foster care seems like an option but not while I’m hoping to go to college full-time. It would be 2 years before we’d be ready to look at foster care. Even then they expect you to be at home full-time to manage the child. Understandable but difficult to do. That’s also 2 years away, a miracle could happen in that time. A very unexpected miracle.

On some more positive notes I don’t know what CD I’m on. For the first time in almost 2 years I have no idea and not really any willingness to find out. I’ll find out when AF shows I guess and I can only hope my cycle is longer than last time. Getting concerned that they’re getting shorter despite my blood test results all being normal.

We’re getting closer to May which means college interview to find out if I’ve got in. God I hope I have. I really do. I’d do anything to get this course.

Even though yesterday was a disaster it hasn’t hit me as badly as I thought it would. I think it’s because in my head I still have hope of something happening. Until someone tells me it’s impossible then there is always a chance. I don’t have to accept a future that isn’t written in stone.


Published March 25, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So tomorrow is the first adoption meeting to basically find out all the information, what our options are and the most important thing of can we actually go ahead with all this. It will take years anyways to go through and I’m aware of all that, but will we be shot down before we’ve even began?

I’m in mixed emotions about tomorrow. Excited that we’re taking this first step and nervous that it will all end straight away. That we’ll find we can’t afford the costs, my divorce won’t allow us to adopt. My previous mental health issues will limit us even further. I’ve googled but typically can find nothing to cover these questions.

The question comes up though of what happens if we can’t adopt for whatever reason. Then what? Do we try to find away to get back to clomid, iui and ivf? Something that I didn’t want to do or do I accept our future as a family of 2? I sort of don’t want to accept that though. It’s not really fair and I’ll just spend my life knowing what’s missing. There will be such a gap in my life and I don’t think anything else could fill it.

All I can do is wait until tomorrow though and hope that it’s all good news. Hope that there is an option for us. 10am tomorrow we’ll find out I guess.

End of the line

Published January 30, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Well that’s it. The Clomid cycle failed. I got my hopes up yet again and was struck down yet again. I’ve pulled myself through it and done some thinking.

I’ve thrown in the towel. 18 months, 19 cycles, 2 losses and numerous blood and scan tests I’m done. This isn’t a sulk thing for now this is a I need to deal with other things in my life thing. I didn’t want to go through IVF in the long run and IUI isn’t an option over here and really do I want to go through all those procedures? I know I’d be strong enough for it but I can’t keep letting my infertility rule my life. I want to go back to college. I want to get married to Kim and I want to be happy. I don’t want my life to be tainted each month by the things I may never have. I want to enjoy being intimate again just for the sake of being intimate. I’m 26 on the 10th and all I could think when I woke up this morning was “that’s 4 years from 30, they say it’s downhill from then”. I shouldn’t be thinking that at 26. I shouldn’t be thinking it at 30 either. I should be enjoying my life and relaxing.

I’ve gone back on the pill. Now this is probably useless and will just cost me a few euros every couple of months but its more for peace of mind. At the end of each month I’ve gone loopy thinking “could this be it???” and on the pill I won’t do that, As I’ll know combined with my own infertility the chances of getting pregnant will be 0%. ( I still don’t understand people who get pregnant on the pill, I’m assuming they’re doing it wrong).

I’ve applied for my college course and have actually found work experience at a veterinary clinic. I’ll be doing 1 day a week and possible Saturdays to watch over consultations. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve also got my animal welfare course coming to an end in a few months and I really need to start paying attention and getting ready for the 2 hour exam at the end. Something I know I can ace if I just stick with it and don’t get distracted. I really want to become a vet.

I’ve also managed to get the welfare people to help me out as well. I sucked up my pride and went in with everything they needed and they rang me yesterday saying I’d get a letter about payment. I hope it’d good news.

Things have finally started coming together for me, this last cycle was the only cycle where I’ve questioned if I really wanted to be pregnant in the near future or whether I want a child from September onwards and that’s been the turning point. I can’t keep placing my life on hold. Maybe in the future when all has settled down we’ll be on this path again or we’ll go for adoption. That’s the more likely solution I’m thinking. We’ll sort it when we’re prepared.

It seems though with me getting better everyone else around me has started to crumble. Kim hates his job and I’m the real cause as to why he’s still there because we couldn’t support us both while I go to the college. It just seems like he’s giving up so much to make me happy and that’s not what I want. I want to make him smile again. My little sister has started having problems and I worry greatly about her as well. Is karma that I get better and everyone else gets worse because that’s not really fair…

Ah well this has been a long post and I will keep posting if only to keep track of my frustrations and achievements. TTC is not easy and my love goes out to all those still trying. I wish I was as strong as all of you.


Keep rollin’ rollin’!

Published January 22, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.

A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.

I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.

I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much –  Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.

Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂

My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂


How I currently feel ^^

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Published January 8, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.

I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.

Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday –  Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.

I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.

Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.”
Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?
Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.

Star Trek: First Contact

Recap of a year

Published December 20, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So 2012 is nearly up. Either by new year or the end of the world. So I figured it’s time for a re-cap as to what has happened this year.

Jan – Moved to new team and new shift (Without Kim due to admin fuck ups which couldn’t be sorted – yet another problem after 9 months of problems there)

March – Told I wouldn’t be getting the promotion I had been asking about for 9 months due to this being a new manager not willing to take the risk and tick 1 fucking box for me. Queue me handing in my notice as enough was enough. 1 week later redundancies are announced and because my notice has already been handed in I’m not eligible. Thanks for 3 1/2 years work gtfo.

April – Kim takes redundancies and we hope to move to Denmark for a new life.

May – This doesn’t happen. We both go to sign on to the welfare and find new jobs in Ireland. Kim gets the welfare instantly as he chose redundancy, I get screwed because I handed in my notice and didn’t get 20k for it.

In this point of the year the months fly by. We lose Broed and the welfare are still fucking me about. This time they’ve said I won’t get it and they’ll send me a letter saying why. I’ve started voluntary work and applied for college in the hope of becoming a vet. The voluntary work then goes tits up and 18 other “volunteers” (who are being paid by the college) start working there. I then spend my days holding a broom and trying to avoid conversation with the morons.

September – I find out that my college course hasn’t accepted me and didn’t even have the common decency to let me know, I pay for an evening course in one of the modules. I also get in touch with the welfare again who ask me to give them proof I’m looking for a job along with a dr’s note that says I’m fit to work. Well why am I looking for a job if I’m apparently not legal to work anyways? I tell them I won’t bring it as it makes no sense. I visit them and they refuse to allow my claim as I don’t have the dr’s note. They also put up arguments about my voluntary work and college course. Any point raised against them mearly results with a smug government attitude telling to speak to the minister. I tell her where to shove her claim. We also lose Oegle.

November – We lose Flyve. After so long I finally get an interview/ telephone interview. The telephone interviewer does not even call me. The live interview does not happen as the previously booked taxi wrote the wrong time. They thought we meant 12.45 at night the next day and not the logical 12.45 in the afternoon. I try to reschedule the interview and get the “we’ll let you know”…They never do.

December – I get a telephone interview, it goes well, I get a live interview, it goes well, They check my references and spend an hour on the phone with each of them making sure I’m capable of the job which I know I am. I don’t tell anyone as the sight of the “oh that sucks look” from people who don’t understand at all how destroying it is to exist as a burden is just not something I want to see. 2 days later I get a template email saying thanks but no thanks.

In this year I finally started infertility treatments. We’re currently on 1year 7 months and 2 days of TTC. I’ve done 1 month of Clomid. We can’t afford any more months currently as I don’t have a job. This last interview I had, had so much riding on it. It would have solved all the problems. But yet again at the last moment something out of my control fucked it up. In the new year I’ll be seeing the dr to get that note saying I’m fine to work but I’ll also be asking him for a prescription for Prozac as my head really is not where it should be right now. This isn’t something that can be fixed by a simple day out avoiding the problems. This can only be fixed by something good coming my way. A christmas miracle. That or the end of the world.

Here’s to 2013 and the forgetting of a shit 2012.


An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – William E. Vaughan