I passed the interview. Starting the 1st September, I will be doing a 4 year degree in teaching. I’m just so full of different feelings right now. Excited, nervous, unsure but determined.
I have a goal now, a life again, something to aim for and to focus on. I feel like a person again. I feel like me again.
To give you all a backstory I finished my GCSE’s with good grades but at 17 went off the rails and flunked my AS’. I managed 3 U’s and an E in psychology. The only reason I managed that was because I had a panic attack and got seated by myself for the exam where I could focus and relax. I dropped out shortly after that and went straight into a working life. No qualifications for me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I went back to college and found out within 2 weeks of being there that I was pregnant with our long awaited daughter. I aced the 1st year despite the tough pregnancy, 3 weeks after the exams had Beth and then 4 months later we unexpectedly moved to Denmark. I never even started my second year. I just became a mother and nothing else. I never regained any sense of purpose. Only that sense of jumping through hopes to try and achieve anything.
But I’ve finally got it now. And I don’t want to lose this. I will do my best to get through this, to work hard, to be a good mother, to be a good role model to my little girl. To be a good wife to the man I love. I owe him that much after all these years of him supporting us. I can do this. I know it,
Just so people are warned this will be one of them soppy pregnancy posts that are sweet but kind of sickening.
To my Beth,
It’s less than 4 weeks until you’re here and I’m still in a state of shock. There has been only fleeting moments of excitement during this pregnancy. Most of it has been anticipation, worrying, a feeling of disengagement. I still mostly have the same feeling I did when I first found out I was pregnant with you. That “Oh shit” feeling. A feeling that I have to distance myself so that I won’t be hurt when something goes wrong. At 36 weeks you’d think that would have passed and it does at times. At those moments when I catch the Mexican wave of my bump moving or when I’m sorting through your tiny clothing. But then I realise how much more in love with you I am and I have to put myself back into reality again. I can’t let myself get hurt. Especially not at this stage. I’m sorry. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to enjoy pregnancy as much as a lot of other women. Everyday that you’ve moved and every scan I’ve had, every beat of your heart I’ve heard is a blessing. I’m so thankful for it. I worry that these feelings won’t shift and that I won’t be the best mother to you. I’ll try my best to be though.
We have everything ready for you here and it is just a waiting game now. I know that you’ll come when you’re ready. You’re stubborn like me and your father so will do as you please but I sort of hope you’re here sooner rather than later. I just want to know you’re safe. My control freak side of my mind wants to watch over you and protect you and the sooner you arrive, the sooner I can do this. Then I know everything will be ok. Even the dog expects your arrival. He barely leaves my side. He was always bad for being clingy with me but he knows that things are changing. He’ll protect you, just as us parents will.
I’m looking forward to seeing what type of child you’ll be. Will you still react to AC/DC or Top Gear the way you do currently with rolls and kicks to rival JCVD? Will you be a bookworm like your dad or a gamer like your mum? Will you sleep as much as pup or be up all night like the hammy? I look forward to these parts. As much as pregnancy has been tough the end result will be worth it. Childbirth scares me but it’s a 1 way trip. And I know it’s one I can get through. I’m not scared of the pain, I’m scared of losing control, but in that situation I just have to go with it. I just have to remember what it’s all for. Just need to remember that your dad is with me and that I love him and you so dearly.
I look forward to silly things as well. Like binning the bottles of Gaviscon. I might actually need a small party or event just to signify that moment in my life more than anything. I’m looking forward to a nice cold glass of wine. I’ll admit now I’ve had the odd singular beer during the last few months. A risk I know but I’ve made sure not to be stupid about it. I’m looking forward to pate on toast again and being able to view myself in a mirror without being reminded of the stay puff marshmallow man. Strangely enough I’m looking forward to breastfeeding. Something that I was very against years ago now seems enjoyable to me. My views on it in public haven’t changed at all but it’s a start. Most of all I look forward to us being a family. Mum, dad, you, pup and the waps of course.
To my Beth, despite all my worries I love you. That I never worry about.
As close as he can get to protect you.
These last few days I’ve been feeling pissy. Not at anything in particular. You know those days where you just get up and you hate the postman for being late, the covers being that little bit too close and you hate especially the fact that you need to go outdoors. That’s how I’ve felt. I’m just feeling wound up by everything in my life at the moment. Everything is going fine but everything is in limbo. Am I stressed because of the way things are or am I stressed for another lame reason?
I’ve just had my Animal Welfare exam a few days ago and for the first time in my life I didn’t just want to do Ok. I wanted to do brilliant. I worried to the max about it and like in any exam I sat down, opened the paper and realised I probably wouldn’t do as well as I wanted. The questions were worded to a point I couldn’t find a good starting point to even answer them. Some of them I just didn’t even know the answer to despite reading the notes 5 minutes before we started. I keep thinking over my answers now and dreading getting my results back. I really hate exams.
I’ve still not got my letter telling me when my college interview will be. I know it is the week of the 20th May but I really want something on writing telling me when and where it will be. Something so I can put my mind at ease a little. I’ve not had my letter about my divorce through either and I was expecting it 3 months ago. I asked my ex and his excuse was that he’d been busy. Yeah sorting your holiday to Disney Land! It does not take 3 months to fill in a form and email it!
On the job front nothing has really come up. Kim may have found a job in Copenhagen so we’re waiting on the details of that to come through in a month’s time. If it’s a good enough job then we’ll probably be looking to pick up and move over there. Something that we wanted to do a year ago but couldn’t because of the lack of jobs. I also sent my CV to a company in Berlin who emailed me asking when I could do an interview. I’ve not heard anything since I replied on Monday so I’m not sure where things are with that. I wouldn’t mind moving to Berlin to be honest but it would mean going back into customer service and not veterinary which is where I’d rather be. A jobs and job though right?
Then there is the normal little voice in my head asking why I’m still not pregnant. The voice that know’s we’re only 3 weeks off the 2 year mark. I was finally getting close to accepting things and just enjoying life and then the typical curveball came into play. A friend of mine a few months back told me she was struggling to conceive her second. A person I actually knew in real life who had a face and a history we shared. I finally felt connected to someone. Well about 2 weeks ago I messaged her asking how she was. Well she was pregnant… My link, my understanding voice, was gone. I’m happy for her, really I am but it’s tough to not think the usual thoughts. Why isn’t it my turn? I bought her son and new bean gifts for her birthday. For the first time in my life I bought baby clothes and they weren’t even for me. People don’t get that as hey don’t you normally buy them for friends and such anyways, but I never have. I honestly expected to be buying them for me the first time I ever had to. I was proud of myself for getting them as looking at them all I just wanted to cry. It’s National Infertility Awareness Week this week and I’ve put my banner on Facebook, I even made a story of it for Imgur to let them all know and yet it feels like nothing has changed. I’m open about it all anyways as I hate subjects being taboo. If you can’t even talk about it then it will never be solved. I guess I’m just tired of this journey especially when nothing is happening on it. Part of me just wishes someone could turn around and tell me it was impossible for me to have children just so I could have some closure on it all. But I won’t get that until I know what’s going on with the rest of my life. Did I mention that out of all the blogs I started following a year ago only 2 of them currently arn’t pregnant?
So am I pissy this week because of all of the above? Maybe I’m just pissy because it’s somewhere towards the end of my cycle and my PMS is kicking in. Maybe it really is the weather. Whatever it is chocolate sure makes things better.
I haven’t posted much since my update on the adoption. I’ve been going over in my mind whether it is worth starting the process or whether we should just keep going as we are. I’m leaning more to just keep trying and hoping but I have this wierd feeling. I feel like I’m mourning something I’ve not even lost yet. I’m mourning birthdays that will never happen, events I will never be a part of. I’m mourning a family I will never have. And it’s confusing because I still have some hope for the future.
I think this feeling has come from the fact that it’s been a year since I was last pregnant in any way or form. It was a year today actually that I found out I was pregnant before my loss a few days later and for those few days I felt anxious but amazing. It was that little bit of hope I needed to keep me going even when it went away. I guess because I knew it might happen again and things might have been ok. But it’s been a year now and nothing. Even with clomid and blood tests there has still be nothing. No glimmer of hope. I think I’m mourning my hope now more than anything. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way but the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all” means something more to me. I used to hate when people would say to me “at least you can get pregnant”. I used to cringe and think to myself, yeah maybe I can but I didn’t want to lose it. Slowly I have found myself drifting to their way of thinking. I wish right now that I could at least get pregnant. I wish I could be excited for that short while even if nervous because I would be over the first hurdle and could let myself hope further. If I lost the child I could still hope for another one knowing that it actually might happen again. I could feel sympathy for myself for the way I was feeling. I could actually mourn a real loss. I don’t wish the loss of a child on anyone. Nobody should go through it but in my twisted mind I guess I feel what all those people said to me so long ago. “At least you can get pregnant”. For these thoughts I feel guilty and I’m sorry.
I feel stressed by all this. I’m trying to carry on as normal but it’s at the back of my mind. I feel like a I need a plan. An idea of what is to come that I’m sure will happen. I’ve spent to long living in a “we’ll see” type mentality and it’s making me more on edge everyday. I need to relax. I need to get away from everything.
“If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I’d definitely choose a heart because at least you’d do something. If you’re a brain, at the end of the day all you’re really good at is settling for shitty situations.”
George – Dead Like Me
So we went to the first adoption meeting. This is the one where they give you all the information and from there you can request an application pack and get on your way to the very long path of adoption. I went in with a sense of excitement and dread. I knew it would be a tough path but I hoped and my god I hoped that it would be an option for us. To put it simply it’s not. I’ll give you the run down of the things I remember from yesterday. Mostly I remember with each fact looking at Kim and the recognition between us both of how can this be done? So –
- Only 10% of all prospective adoptive parents end up with a child. This is from start to finish. It’s not like the numbers are even that high but people get refused declaration for their age, health, finances, country choice etc etc. People with declarations get left waiting until the declaration expires. There are people from 3 years ago currently having theirs renewed due to waiting so long.
- The majority of children up for adoption have special needs in some way. Now whilst I like to think I could deal with any problems that child might have it’s not just me involved in this. It’s Kim as well and realistically we have always wanted a child of our merits. Now the institutionalised problems can be overcome mostly but in a real would I don’t think we could deal with it. We’re being selfish in this we know but I guess it’s not the life we wanted. The more physical problems the children have ranging from spina bifida and cystic fibrosis are nothing I know about. You can request to have a healthy child but there are very few in care domestic or intercountry. Even if you’re ok with adopting an unhealthy child you have to prove your knowledge and show you would be able to. This I can understand but what biological parent has to do this when taking their child home for the first time?
- Out of the 13 or so countries available for adoption 5 were currently closed for adoptions, 3 I was actually too young to adopt from (this was probably the only good thing that came from it, that I was too young for something for a change). The rest either had extremely long waiting lists and were dealing with a backlog or cost wise they were out of the question.
- Florida has a cost of 38,000 euros. When asked what these costs covered we couldn’t be told and we would have to find out off someone who had actually adopted from there. Bulgaria the cheapest country was 18,000. Pretty much we can’t afford this and cycles of IVF would be cheaper. They would also be quicker and would result in our own child.
- Only 34 adoptions worldwide went through last year to bring children into new families in Ireland. Yet there were 600+ people waiting to adopt from countries and there are 4000 children in foster care in Ireland alone. This makes no sense…
- Me and Kim would need to get police clearance from all countries we have lived in for over 6 months. This is another cost on top of all the other legal things and I don’t even know where to start with it. We would also need to be health checked for any serious issues. Dr’s would need to sign off on current or past problems ie my depression to show that it’s under control in an appropriate way.
- There is a 4 year minimum wait time. Now this we can handle even if it doesn’t make much sense why there is this wait time. They say they’re putting the children first and yet these children are stuck in the “care” system for months and years waiting for families who are desperate to have children. Families who have jumped through hopes and had checks that any normal mother/father would not have needed.
- They need to interview coupled friends of the adoptive parents. Now this would be fine if me and Kim actually knew couples here in Ireland. I’ll get this straight I’m not a social person. I will wear my headphones around the city centre even when the battery has gone just so people won’t talk to me. So we know 0 couples.
So basically we’ve hit the wall before we’ve even started as I expected. Foster care seems like an option but not while I’m hoping to go to college full-time. It would be 2 years before we’d be ready to look at foster care. Even then they expect you to be at home full-time to manage the child. Understandable but difficult to do. That’s also 2 years away, a miracle could happen in that time. A very unexpected miracle.
On some more positive notes I don’t know what CD I’m on. For the first time in almost 2 years I have no idea and not really any willingness to find out. I’ll find out when AF shows I guess and I can only hope my cycle is longer than last time. Getting concerned that they’re getting shorter despite my blood test results all being normal.
We’re getting closer to May which means college interview to find out if I’ve got in. God I hope I have. I really do. I’d do anything to get this course.
Even though yesterday was a disaster it hasn’t hit me as badly as I thought it would. I think it’s because in my head I still have hope of something happening. Until someone tells me it’s impossible then there is always a chance. I don’t have to accept a future that isn’t written in stone.
So tomorrow is the first adoption meeting to basically find out all the information, what our options are and the most important thing of can we actually go ahead with all this. It will take years anyways to go through and I’m aware of all that, but will we be shot down before we’ve even began?
I’m in mixed emotions about tomorrow. Excited that we’re taking this first step and nervous that it will all end straight away. That we’ll find we can’t afford the costs, my divorce won’t allow us to adopt. My previous mental health issues will limit us even further. I’ve googled but typically can find nothing to cover these questions.
The question comes up though of what happens if we can’t adopt for whatever reason. Then what? Do we try to find away to get back to clomid, iui and ivf? Something that I didn’t want to do or do I accept our future as a family of 2? I sort of don’t want to accept that though. It’s not really fair and I’ll just spend my life knowing what’s missing. There will be such a gap in my life and I don’t think anything else could fill it.
All I can do is wait until tomorrow though and hope that it’s all good news. Hope that there is an option for us. 10am tomorrow we’ll find out I guess.
Well that’s it. The Clomid cycle failed. I got my hopes up yet again and was struck down yet again. I’ve pulled myself through it and done some thinking.
I’ve thrown in the towel. 18 months, 19 cycles, 2 losses and numerous blood and scan tests I’m done. This isn’t a sulk thing for now this is a I need to deal with other things in my life thing. I didn’t want to go through IVF in the long run and IUI isn’t an option over here and really do I want to go through all those procedures? I know I’d be strong enough for it but I can’t keep letting my infertility rule my life. I want to go back to college. I want to get married to Kim and I want to be happy. I don’t want my life to be tainted each month by the things I may never have. I want to enjoy being intimate again just for the sake of being intimate. I’m 26 on the 10th and all I could think when I woke up this morning was “that’s 4 years from 30, they say it’s downhill from then”. I shouldn’t be thinking that at 26. I shouldn’t be thinking it at 30 either. I should be enjoying my life and relaxing.
I’ve gone back on the pill. Now this is probably useless and will just cost me a few euros every couple of months but its more for peace of mind. At the end of each month I’ve gone loopy thinking “could this be it???” and on the pill I won’t do that, As I’ll know combined with my own infertility the chances of getting pregnant will be 0%. ( I still don’t understand people who get pregnant on the pill, I’m assuming they’re doing it wrong).
I’ve applied for my college course and have actually found work experience at a veterinary clinic. I’ll be doing 1 day a week and possible Saturdays to watch over consultations. I’m really looking forward to it. I’ve also got my animal welfare course coming to an end in a few months and I really need to start paying attention and getting ready for the 2 hour exam at the end. Something I know I can ace if I just stick with it and don’t get distracted. I really want to become a vet.
I’ve also managed to get the welfare people to help me out as well. I sucked up my pride and went in with everything they needed and they rang me yesterday saying I’d get a letter about payment. I hope it’d good news.
Things have finally started coming together for me, this last cycle was the only cycle where I’ve questioned if I really wanted to be pregnant in the near future or whether I want a child from September onwards and that’s been the turning point. I can’t keep placing my life on hold. Maybe in the future when all has settled down we’ll be on this path again or we’ll go for adoption. That’s the more likely solution I’m thinking. We’ll sort it when we’re prepared.
It seems though with me getting better everyone else around me has started to crumble. Kim hates his job and I’m the real cause as to why he’s still there because we couldn’t support us both while I go to the college. It just seems like he’s giving up so much to make me happy and that’s not what I want. I want to make him smile again. My little sister has started having problems and I worry greatly about her as well. Is karma that I get better and everyone else gets worse because that’s not really fair…
Ah well this has been a long post and I will keep posting if only to keep track of my frustrations and achievements. TTC is not easy and my love goes out to all those still trying. I wish I was as strong as all of you.