2 weeks in

Something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s exhaustion from not sleeping or eating properly. Maybe it’s from the constant care I’m having to give and sleeping on the sofa so as to avoid waking Kim during the night with feeds and changing. But I’m fed up.
I can barely find the motivation or energy to have conversations with people currently. I was told to expect the baby blues but I get the feeling this is something more. When Beth cries I just don’t want to be in the same room as her. I’m tired of being on demand constantly with not even a moment to myself. Even a 5 minute shower doesn’t fix it. I’m fed up, Kim is fed up. Even the dog is miserable as there is no one to play with and his walks are more limited.
I spend my days crying and I’m only ever really happy when Kim is here but even then I’m worn out. I feel guilty for feeling this way too. We tried so long to bring this child into our lives and now she is here and I just don’t know how to feel about her. As terrible as it sounds I don’t feel like I love her. When she was placed on me after birth my initial feeling was not one of unconditional love. But more of shock and fear.
I’m tired of staring at the same 4 walls of my front room but I can’t go out as we don’t have the pram yet. Even if we did I don’t think I’d want to go outside. I just want to curl up in bed and cry until I can’t any longer. I don’t have th energy to see friends and even if I did it would just be a hoping that they might be here to wake me up from all this.
Don’t get me wrong I’m taking care of Beth. She’s being fed, changed and looked after to the best of my ability but I just don’t know how much more of this I can do. I keep thinking that me and Kim’s lives have been ruined in some way. He didn’t even want a baby and now he is being forced to put up with all this. He works all day and comes home to a miserable and exhausted girlfriend, a house that looks like a bomb has hit it and a daughter who just demands feeds and doesn’t settle properly. I’m so sorry to him. I didn’t mean for things to be like this.
My mum and sister are coming by next week and I just hope a little rest helps me. I just feel so alone with all this right now. I’m supposed to be happy we have our baby. I’m supposed to know its difficult and yet get through it and not complain as after all I have what I wanted after 2 1/2 years. I have to keep smiling. Have to keep swimming. I have to shut down mentally to get through this.