rage

All posts tagged rage

Why bother?

Published April 21, 2016 by reachandflexibility

I have no options right now. I woke up to an email where the phrase “Based on what you describe, you do not fulfill the above-mentioned requirements.” was used twice. A gentle reminder that the decision I made 10 years to drop out of college was here to stay. My only choice, learn Danish well enough to pass the equivalent of the A levels here and then apply again. It can’t be done. I’ve gone through 16 teachers at my sprogskole now. I’m still unable to hold a conversation with someone. Why bother?

So my other option is to find work in an area I have no interest in. Back to customer service or worse. Some dead end shelf stacking job. And that’s provided they want me in English. Which they won’t as why hire someone who doesn’t speak the local language when the locals speak English just as well.  The kommune were nice enough to change how much money I get. Which in turn changed our other levels of income. Meaning we’re now worse off each month. And then they expect me to pay for transport to jobs I couldn’t care less about. Transport they also raised the cost of.

I’m pissed. I have to have a meeting today with the kommune who will ask me what my aims are. Currently they are to try not to tear off the heads of any person who thinks this has an easy solution. Like “Do you just want to move back to the UK?”. I’m not even justifying that with a fucking answer.

I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alienated and alone. Working in an area I don’t want to. Among people I share nothing in common with. Not even the language.

I recently started seeing an psychiatrist. He determined I worry too much. And then I justify my worrying and then end up in a cycle stressed out. Yes I do that. I admit it. I see myself doing it right now. But how do you stop with something like this? Should I be apathetic to the situation? Should I be proactive and then be shot down at every corner and just accept it? I am just so fucking angry with this whole situation! This was supposed to be the better life. And it’s just fucked. It’s fucked for me. It’s better for Beth. It’s better for Kim. I’m alone and fucked though. And I refuse to accept it, but all I get told is to calm the fuck down. “We’ll find a way.” “You’re doing great at your Danish.” “don’t worry”.

Find me a solution and I won’t have to worry.

Recap of a year

Published December 20, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So 2012 is nearly up. Either by new year or the end of the world. So I figured it’s time for a re-cap as to what has happened this year.

Jan – Moved to new team and new shift (Without Kim due to admin fuck ups which couldn’t be sorted – yet another problem after 9 months of problems there)

March – Told I wouldn’t be getting the promotion I had been asking about for 9 months due to this being a new manager not willing to take the risk and tick 1 fucking box for me. Queue me handing in my notice as enough was enough. 1 week later redundancies are announced and because my notice has already been handed in I’m not eligible. Thanks for 3 1/2 years work gtfo.

April – Kim takes redundancies and we hope to move to Denmark for a new life.

May – This doesn’t happen. We both go to sign on to the welfare and find new jobs in Ireland. Kim gets the welfare instantly as he chose redundancy, I get screwed because I handed in my notice and didn’t get 20k for it.

In this point of the year the months fly by. We lose Broed and the welfare are still fucking me about. This time they’ve said I won’t get it and they’ll send me a letter saying why. I’ve started voluntary work and applied for college in the hope of becoming a vet. The voluntary work then goes tits up and 18 other “volunteers” (who are being paid by the college) start working there. I then spend my days holding a broom and trying to avoid conversation with the morons.

September – I find out that my college course hasn’t accepted me and didn’t even have the common decency to let me know, I pay for an evening course in one of the modules. I also get in touch with the welfare again who ask me to give them proof I’m looking for a job along with a dr’s note that says I’m fit to work. Well why am I looking for a job if I’m apparently not legal to work anyways? I tell them I won’t bring it as it makes no sense. I visit them and they refuse to allow my claim as I don’t have the dr’s note. They also put up arguments about my voluntary work and college course. Any point raised against them mearly results with a smug government attitude telling to speak to the minister. I tell her where to shove her claim. We also lose Oegle.

November – We lose Flyve. After so long I finally get an interview/ telephone interview. The telephone interviewer does not even call me. The live interview does not happen as the previously booked taxi wrote the wrong time. They thought we meant 12.45 at night the next day and not the logical 12.45 in the afternoon. I try to reschedule the interview and get the “we’ll let you know”…They never do.

December – I get a telephone interview, it goes well, I get a live interview, it goes well, They check my references and spend an hour on the phone with each of them making sure I’m capable of the job which I know I am. I don’t tell anyone as the sight of the “oh that sucks look” from people who don’t understand at all how destroying it is to exist as a burden is just not something I want to see. 2 days later I get a template email saying thanks but no thanks.

In this year I finally started infertility treatments. We’re currently on 1year 7 months and 2 days of TTC. I’ve done 1 month of Clomid. We can’t afford any more months currently as I don’t have a job. This last interview I had, had so much riding on it. It would have solved all the problems. But yet again at the last moment something out of my control fucked it up. In the new year I’ll be seeing the dr to get that note saying I’m fine to work but I’ll also be asking him for a prescription for Prozac as my head really is not where it should be right now. This isn’t something that can be fixed by a simple day out avoiding the problems. This can only be fixed by something good coming my way. A christmas miracle. That or the end of the world.

Here’s to 2013 and the forgetting of a shit 2012.

 

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – William E. Vaughan

Like an onion…

Published December 5, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Well haven’t posted in a while as got stressed and well tired of complaining. AF showed after 7 days of spotting. Not the odd 1 or 2 days like she has done in the past but 7 days spotting and 2 days later than expected. Thanks for that body. But anyways with the unexpected news of the royals and their new sprog due I figured I’d give people and insight into how envy plays a part in my little TTC life. They did something about it on the TV a few weeks back but it was this attention whore of a celebrity and so no-one really paid attention. This post will be about why I react the way I do to some people’s news and not the same to others.

When it comes to others getting pregnant (Which they seem to do with the greatest of ease) how I react will be based on my own little judgement scheme. It’s not the most logical but for some reason it always happens. I’ll start at the top:

1- The ones who get the ok from me. These will be people who have been trying for a long while for their first. They are the ones who I will happily keep up with the beta’s and the scan photos and the worries and excitements of pregnancy. In my world I guess they deserve what they have been given. I honestly feel happy when they announce their BFP’s. It reminds me that anything is possible and gives me hope in the darkest times.

2 – People who will get a Gz from me but I will pang with jealousy when I first see the news. These are people who are having their first or those who had trouble trying to get the second, people who I don’t really know. Who have jobs and are in stable relationships. I guess Kate and Will fall under this category. I have my jealous moment but like everyone else I’m sort of happy for them. This also includes an ex-collegue who just announced her pregnancy and who I found myself pondering over being happy for and wasn’t sure why this was different to the other 4 I had been exposed to in 1 day.

3 – People who are on their 2nd+ with no trouble. Now that’s not really fair is it? Why do they get more than 1? Where’s my 1? This includes 3 of the people who announced on Facebook recently. They don’t get likes on their posts and I’ve blocked their news feeds for the next 6 months as quite simply I don’t want to hear it all. Yes good for them and all but really? Could you not have waited a year or so. Could fate not have come my way and maybe said “well since you’ve waited so patiently, it’s now your turn, they can wait.”? Oh well….

4 – People on their 2nd+ who have the relationship problems. You know the kind. Soandso is now single, Soandso is now in a relationship, Soandso says it’s complicated. So you’re telling me that you got pregnant by accident (Well it’s not going to involve trying if you’re not together for longer than a week) and you can’t even hold together a relationship with that person. Are you fucking stupid or something???? Now this isn’t a dig at single parents at all. Must be tough for them. This is a dig at the ones who don’t even know what basic contraception is. This was the 5th announcement on my Facebook. She has since been removed out of anger.

5 – Scum. This is the final layer of jealousy. A lot of people from the 4th layer actually fall into this layer. This is the no jobs on either side/ kids from 6 different parents / no morales type scum. Or chavs. Yeah chavs covers it much better. I honestly don’t care if they’re carrying the saviour of the universe. They’re scum and should have had an IQ test before they were allowed to breed. If they failed it they should have been sterilised. Like rats, all of them.

As you can see the envy is made of layers of judgement. Uninformed judgement in most cases but it’s what works for me. If people don’t like the way I react then they can happily inform me on where I’m wrong on their lives. I guess it’s why I’m so open on mine. So that when the judgement comes from others (Which it will) I can stand there and understand their reactions without question.

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example… uh… ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave ’em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs…
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don’t care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait’s gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet

Rageface

Published October 30, 2012 by reachandflexibility

This is more a post for the people who all day will ask me if I’m ok. I wont answer over chat as I’m really not a people person today but no I’m not. I’m pissed off at my body, pissed off at myself for hoping that maybe just maybe we had done it. That after 18 months we had finally got what everyone else seems to find so fucking easy.

3 days ago I started spotting and figured that was it. A short cycle and the clomid had made little difference. But that was all it was, spotting. It kept going and I was cramping but nothing. No crippling pain, no bloodbath. I googled and I mean I gooooooooglllled it all and everything I found was hopeful saying it could be implantation bleeding, it was all around the right time and typically no one ever updated on their post as to what happened with it but I remained calm. This kept going for 3 whole days and by last night I was feeling pretty confident. I was going to go out and buy a test today and maybe for the first time ever go into limbo or get that BFP. 4am I woke up this morning feeling so hungry I felt sick with it. No sign of AF. I went back to bed and had problems falling back to sleep thinking of that BFP and how even the spotting had stopped now. 8am I get up and oh look there’s AF. And even then she’s not crippling me, she’s slowly creeping in like the red moss from war of the worlds. Sorry for the metaphors but being in the mood I am right now I need to rant. Part of me is tempted to test anyways just to see if my body is being a fucker. I’m convinced my progesterone levels are a mess. They were 15 when they checked for OV the previous month. 15 suggests I might have OV’d but the levels wouldn’t be high enough to sustain a pregnancy and I’m thinking that even though they have given me clomid it isn’t enough. I think the clomid just postponed the inevitable. I think my levels will fall anyways and I don’t think any dr will do a thing about it. They’ll just keep reminding me that I’m 25 and I have time and if I pay them enough money things will work out. Well I don’t want that. I want the fucking easy route like the people I know do. Like the 25-year-old on my Facebook who despite having the changing relationship statuses has managed to pop out 2 kids and just announced her 3rd is coming soon. I’m tired of everything being such a fucking challenge to get through. This, my old job, looking for a new job (they haven’t even bothered calling me about the seasonal work I applied for. That makes me feel pretty fucking shit). Did I do something wrong in a past life or am I just bringing all this on myself now? #

Blegh this is a post of self loathing but fuck it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up to be struck down like this but I did it anyways because people wanted me to be positive and optimistic. Well what fucking good did that do?

This picture is an accurate representative of my mood today

Kudos to Mizgirl

I… don’t like… this place

Published October 2, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So a review, I know it’s been a while. I’ve sort of been busy with real life things. But here we go!

WoW – Mists of Pandaria

 

This is Wixxy – She’s my gnome holy priest. She raided Dragon Soul. Cleared normal and is 3/8 in heroic there. She was one of the main healers for the guild and I loved healing on her. Notice how I use past tense? Just before MoP was released class changes were implemented and instantly it felt like I was fighting to get anywhere near the output I had before. Already a little disappointed I figured it’s how it is, change your play style and wait for the new gear and such. I did and here is how it went.

Day 1 – Forgot the release was even coming out despite the big panda pictures and spam in trade chat. Log on the morning after launch. Find instantly I have to spec shadow if I even want to do the quests. I sign up for an instance figuring I can grind them and get some decent gear. Well there is now barely any trash in the instance so farming them for xp was going to be impossible. Gear from the quests in them was limited to either dps items or healing items and I say healing items very lightly. No spirit as it seems they don’t want that anymore instead a slight stat change from the dps version of some crit – haste. Yeah I honestly thought it was bugged for the first few quests.

I started questing then in my shadow spec. Now I don’t like playing as a shadow priest – I’ll get this out first so I am biased when it comes to that. I find it to be dull, slow and tedious. But I did it anyways as it was my only option to gain xp from (apart from pvp and we know my feelings on that from previous reviews). The areas I quested were all the same. Every zone it seemed was grass and hills. There was no variety like there was in early expansions. No Hellfire to counteract Zangermarsh. No it was all green fields and hills. The quests were all the same as well. Go kill 10 mobs, heal 10 Npc’s, burn something, now go kill this main quest npc.Every single quest hub I went to followed this same structure. There were more escort quests than ever before and each one just led me to a new hub that gave me the same 15 quests to kill,heal,burn and kill. By the end of the first zone I had had enough. I logged off for a few hours and when I did come back it was to do the pet battles. I’ll explain more on them later.

Day 2 – I bit my lip and I go questing again. I also run another instance also lacking in variety from the last. Though the boss fights seem interesting at times they all come down to the basic tactic of DONT STAND IN SHIT. Again no loot from them and rubbish quest rewards/xp. So questing it is. Kill,heal, burn and kill. I’m thinking if I get to 90 then I can start doing what I like. I can run the heroics and do the raiding. Do the things I enjoy. I grind for 3 long levels. Getting barely any decent healing loot to keep me going in instances and I’m struggling to heal anything. Only 3 levels though. I’ve got my justice points and I’ll get some nice gear when I ding and then I can enjoy the game. I can do this.

Day 3  – Hills….Grass…Hills…. Mountain…Escort quest…Oh my god I might die of boredom at this rate! I make it though. I hit 90. FUCK YES! NO MORE FUCKING QUESTS! NO MORE GOD DAMN MOBS THAT NEED KILLING,HEALING,BURNING OR KILLING! I CAN FINALLY PLAY HOW I WANT AGAIN!

Nope…not that simple. Never that simple. I fly to a vendor with my justice points all excited about the gear I’m going to get. The instances I’m going to run and the fun I’m finally going to have after the 3 days of wanting to gauge my eyes out. I open his inventory and what does he have – Fuck all. “you need to be revered with so and so to get this item”…..what? I ask my guild if I’m at the wrong guy. “No, you require rep now for justice and valor items”….Um and I can get the rep running instances right? “No, you have to do dailies”……Are you fucking serious? I have to quest..After all the questing I just did. On the class that I don’t want to quest on. I can’t run instances for gear because I can’t heal them due to my shit gear from the quests I just did. Do I have any other options? I can run scenarios, which require me to dps. I can do the dailies a few at a time. I can grind the normal instances in the hope that I get dropped items so that I can progress to heroics where I will gain valor points that I can’t spend due to not wanting to quest. It was at this point I closed the game and decided enough was enough. Kim made me a list of items that didn’t require me to do dailies with. I started on them but figured what was the point? I wasn’t happy with the expansion. I didn’t want it to exist.

I tried the pet battling on my mage. I refused to level her up as I didn’t want to quest in the green dull zones again. Pet battling was ok. Basically Pokemon only with your own pets. You get loads of achievements and it does fill the void of there being no real minigames in the past. I enjoyed this but as an entire community moves forward, you sort of get left behind and it loses the fun very quickly.

So quick sum up/ some extra things

Pros –

Pet Battling – It’s Pokemon all over again. It’s simple and finally has a use for the 264 companion pets I have. I can finally name them the things I want as well.

Gear looks nicer. There is less brown and things finally look a little more epic

Yeah that’s all I have for Pros….

Cons –

All the areas look the same! They look nice but once you’ve seen one Shaolin style monastery you’ve seen them all. I wasn’t interested in them during Guild Wars Factions and I’m not interested in them now.

Quests are all the same – Now yes this was the same in previous expansions. It’s how it is with any MMORPG – But I have never in my entire time of gaming known them to be so repetitive, grindy and painful to complete.

Instances are off-limits unless you have the type of mindset to run dailies and after 5 levels of quests I didn’t have that mindset at all.

So in conclusion at this point in time I’m happy to let my subscription expire. They have tried to make subtle fixes so that less questing is needed but it’s far too little. My recommendation to anyone who hasn’t upgraded yet – Don’t bother. It really isn’t worth the £30-50 and the monthly costs. I didn’t even touch the panda/monk stuff as by level 90 I didn’t care. After 7 years of playing WoW I’m throwing in the towel and searching elsewhere for my enjoyment. It’s sad for me but it’s only a game.

 

Gnome Female – “I apologize profusely for any inconvenience my murderous rampage may have caused.”

(Tiny smallprint here – Don’t bother arguing with me about my points. This is how I feel and no ammount of fanboy advice will make me change my mind…oh and Blizzard don’t sue me)

Blood sucking baby makers!

Published September 5, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So CD1. 13dpo and CD1 shows. I shouldn’t even be trying to worry about that should I? It’s almost like my mind is searching for causes at the moment. Something that can be fixed. Painkillers I was prescribed seem to be working fine. Well they’ve taken away the cramps but left my knee aching which is strange. I’m finding it strange how my right leg/knee aching is a warning of AF about to start. Leg you are not connected to my ovaries, Quit fucking around!

With CD1 though does mean in about an hour I can book my CD2-4 bloods. Just need to hope that they have space to fit me in. Last thing I want is for GP to have to take it. I would rather have the nurse and ask her half the worrying questions I have in my mind. Nurses seem to be a lot better at listening than GPs. At least in my experience anyways. Makes me think of the clip at the bottom – 15 seconds to explain your life story and hope that they actually listen to what you’re saying. Maybe they’re just busy with workload. Oh well.

Sill trying to sort all of Kim’s tests. The disadvantages of working 9-5 I guess so trying to find a GP that works weekend to take the 1 vial of blood from him. The bruises haven’t even healed from my last test yet and I’m already looking to be prodded again. Maybe my doctor is a vampire. Might explain why all this blood needs to be taken. Oh well. I guess this is just important to me.

Move on, nothing to see here

Published July 10, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So this week I’ve been troubled by much rage. Not sure what has been causing it. Can’t say lack of sleep as have been sleeping my normal hours. Can’t say people have been annoying me as they haven’t. I dunno what’s been up with me. I wondered if maybe it was just the added focus on the puppy that I’m not used to but that seems a bit silly especially with the things I’ve been getting angry about. I was ready to cry at the fact I couldn’t see Ice Age 4 the other day. We tried to see it once and there was a school trip there. Now last thing I want is to sit in a cinema packed with children (well pre-teens) and their 3 teachers who can’t handle them. So we said sod that and decided to try another day.  We went back and they had moved the showing to a later time so we cancelled again. I’m still waiting on my problem free trip to Ice Age 4.

The dog has been hard work but he seems to be calming somewhat. Now that we actually have the gate up for the garden we don’t need to walk him around the garden anymore and can just let him go free which also means I don’t have to keep putting my shoes on every 20 minutes.

Jobs are still seeming impossible to find. Seems every single customer service job requires you to speak 2 languages which makes me feel pretty useless despite so many years of working in it. The job centre is still messing me around over here so I’m not even getting money from the government to live off. I hate leaching off Kim as well so I’m just getting angrier at myself for not staying on at the last place for 1 week longer. I give up far too easily.

On the subject of giving up I’m starting to think maybe me and kim should just not bother for children. It’s not going to happen. Despite all the symptom spotting I’m doing this week (slightly cramping, headaches, 1 sore boob – that’s right 1! and of course the over emotional rage and near crying moments) I know it won’t happen. Even if it does I know I’ll just lose it so quickly. I was even dreaming about it last night. That I got my BFP and was off to buy my digi for the comfort but even in my dream I just wondering how long it would last. I’m of course wondering why I symptom spot seen as my cycle varies so wildly. 28-36 days never the same each month, always different. And typically opk’s would make me a crazy woman and so can not be used. Even with pcos I don’t think they would work properly anyways. /facedesk. I can’t give up on something that is so important to me. I’ve given up on everything else I’ve ever tried to do but I won’t with this.

Sorry this post has been a bit of a downer on previous entries. I’ll make up for it I promise.

 

“It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.”

Boromir – Lord of the Rings