pregnant

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One Smug Mother.

Published June 5, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Disclaimer : If you had a horrible labor and can’t stand the sound of someone who didn’t I would advise not to read on. If however you are a FTM with a fear of being strapped to a bed for days of struggle ending in some sort of assisted delivery then read on. What I got was not what I expected.

Now Elizabeth Marie was born at 00.19am Tuesday 3rd June weighing a surprising 7 lb 2 oz. (39+2)

On the Monday I had woken up a few times during the morning with mild period pains but nothing I would consider often or even painful. Having had heavy periods all my life these were nothing but niggles. At 6am I decided to get up for some breakfast when I noticed a trickle of fluid. This stopped start as I walked around or stood up but seemed to be like a heavy discharge. I figured this was the early/pre-stages of labor I’d been told to expect. I set myself up for a day on the sofa with Animal Planet on and a little Mass Effect 3. I’d planned to have the trilogy completed before she arrived.

Well the pains came and went but weren’t building in intensity and weren’t very regular. I’d been told this could go on for days and messaged friend J asking if this could just be braxton hicks as I hadn’t experienced them at all. I mentioned the fluid loss and was told that could have been my waters. Now I don’t know why but I expected them to keep leaking if it was and this had stopped from the hour or so in the morning. Either way I took her advice and called Kim and the hospital to say I just wanted to be checked out just in case. If it was my waters I didn’t want to run the risk of infection. Everyone couldn’t believe how calm I was about the whole thing. If anything I was a little excited to see how it would go. Well an hour later me and Kim went down the hospital where they hooked me up to a trace to check Beth’s movement. She was fine and my contractions had calmed down quite a bit and I wasn’t leaking. Dr’s and nurses took their time as I really was in no serious situation or hurry.

At 3,30 a Dr came in to do a swab test to check the fluid.  She was not gentle with this. It was like a smear test times 10. Not unbearable but I did mouth the words “What the fuck!” to Kim when she started. Well this is where things got fun. The rest of my waters proceeded to break all over the bed. I was more worried about making a mess of the floor than what was actually happening. This was it though. I was off to the labour ward and they weren’t letting me go home until I’d had her. I really didn’t want this. I had wanted to go home and watch Aliens and relax in my own space. I honestly began to panic a little just at being stuck in a hospital and strapped to a bed. Well I got taken to my room and told if labor didn’t start in 18 hours I’d be induced. Time to wait…

Sort of….

15 minutes later and a quick call to my mum to let her know what was happening and my contractions had built up in pain quite a bit and after each one I was feeling quite sick. I requested a anti-emetic to get past this. In between contractions and during most of them I was pretty cool though. 15 minutes after the anti-emetic and I was asking about pain relief as things were getting a little uncomfortable and quite quickly. Claire the midwife gave me some paracetamol and said they were just changing over staff and that my only option was pethadine until I was dilated enough to be moved to delivery. She said I seemed ok and calm though and not to worry too much, she’d see me when she was back in. I didn’t want pethadine due to already feeling quite sick despite the earlier injection. I decided to wait it out and see how I went.

Well 20 minutes later and I was sat in the bathroom feeling very very uncomfortable and trying to fight the urge to vomit, piss and shit at the same time. I was not a happy bunny and had Kim request a nurse come and examine me just so I knew how much I had of this left. Something was going on and I was beginning to panic – I dreaded being that first time mum who just screams for an epidural when they’re barely a centimeter dilated. You know those types from one born every minute who just scream and scream…ugh…The midwife who came in gave me the look as if I was one. Until she did the examination. She then ran off and called a colleague who checked me quickly and started prepping the bed for movement. Contraction over and I’m casually asking what stage I’m at. Could I have got to 4cm in the hour or so since my waters went? I was fully dilated and off to be delivered. So much for pain relief and the average 16 hours that I was advised I’d be dealing with. On wheeling down I had a huge contraction, did some moaning (not even screaming, I was just humming at one point to get through it) and again was resisting throwing up. Turns out that was being caused by dilating so quickly and I don’t think any anti emetic was going to beat that. Transition was a bitch it seemed. Luckily no embarrassing vomiting though! Not bad for the one with the phobia.

Anyways, I’m rushed down and moved to the delivery bed where the 2 new delivery midwives can not believe how quickly I’ve been sent to them. They’re checking my notes multiple times to make sure. Meanwhile I’m chatting away in between my somewhat short and irregular contractions joking about things from TV and really being somewhat cool with things. They say there is no point getting the epidural I had planned as by the time the Dr had it prepped and set Beth would be here. I figured what the hell then, let’s not bother. Well 4 hours later and she was still not there. My urges to push were near non existent and contractions too short to really be effective. I got hooked to the Syntocinon to speed them up. Now this, I dreaded as had been told it also ramps up the pain. I was coping fine as it was (without the gas and air I might add as simply didn’t see the point in it. All I wanted was to bite down on something.) Well it worked and during this final hour I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep and was begging them to just pull her out of me. I even recommended they could do it like a sheep and tie her legs up and just pull. This was the finish though. They guided me with my pushing, telling me what I needed to do and got me through it. Kim was amazing keeping me calm and cooling me off when I needed. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without them. She was born 00.19 on the 3rd. Luckily the day after my parent’s wedding anniversary and after the announcement of a friend’s engagement.

It turns the reason she was so slow from dilation is because she was back to back and elbow first. Somewhere along the line she had turned and so all pain was in my hips and spine. I got a tear (no idea how bad, but I apparently lost quite a lot of blood and am stitched from end to end) but after it all I can honestly say I was right not to be nervous of it. I handled it all like I knew I would do. I got told with any future children I should probably just have a home birth. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again any time soon though….

So for a first time mother advised that because of BMI I should expect a slow, painful delivery with a heavy child and some assistance needed I did everything the exact opposite. Yeah I’ve been smug….

This basically gives a sum up of the mood of my childbirth. Whilst being stitched up we were discussing Scottish porn…

 

An open page

Published May 12, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Just so people are warned this will be one of them soppy pregnancy posts that are sweet but kind of sickening. 

To my Beth,

It’s less than 4 weeks until you’re here and I’m still in a state of shock. There has been only fleeting moments of excitement during this pregnancy. Most of it has been anticipation, worrying, a feeling of disengagement. I still mostly have the same feeling I did when I first found out I was pregnant with you. That “Oh shit” feeling. A feeling that I have to distance myself so that I won’t be hurt when something goes wrong. At 36 weeks you’d think that would have passed and it does at times. At those moments when I catch the Mexican wave of my bump moving or when I’m sorting through your tiny clothing. But then I realise how much more in love with you I am and I have to put myself back into reality again. I can’t let myself get hurt. Especially not at this stage. I’m sorry. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to enjoy pregnancy as much as a lot of other women. Everyday that you’ve moved and every scan I’ve had, every beat of your heart I’ve heard is a blessing. I’m so thankful for it. I worry that these feelings won’t shift and that I won’t be the best mother to you. I’ll try my best to be though.

We have everything ready for you here and it is just a waiting game now. I know that you’ll come when you’re ready. You’re stubborn like me and your father so will do as you please but I sort of hope you’re here sooner rather than later. I just want to know you’re safe. My control freak side of my mind wants to watch over you and protect you and the sooner you arrive, the sooner I can do this. Then I know everything will be ok. Even the dog expects your arrival. He barely leaves my side. He was always bad for being clingy with me but he knows that things are changing. He’ll protect you, just as us parents will.

I’m looking forward to seeing what type of child you’ll be. Will you still react to AC/DC or Top Gear the way you do currently with rolls and kicks to rival JCVD? Will you be a bookworm like your dad or a gamer like your mum? Will you sleep as much as pup or be up all night like the hammy? I look forward to these parts. As much as pregnancy has been tough the end result will be worth it. Childbirth scares me but it’s a 1 way trip. And I know it’s one I can get through. I’m not scared of the pain, I’m scared of losing control, but in that situation I just have to go with it. I just have to remember what it’s all for. Just need to remember that your dad is with me and that I love him and you so dearly.

I look forward to silly things as well. Like binning the bottles of Gaviscon. I might actually need a small party or event just to signify that moment in my life more than anything. I’m looking forward to a nice cold glass of wine. I’ll admit now I’ve had the odd singular beer during the last few months. A risk I know but I’ve made sure not to be stupid about it. I’m looking forward to pate on toast again and being able to view myself in a mirror without being reminded of the stay puff marshmallow man. Strangely enough I’m looking forward to breastfeeding. Something that I was very against years ago now seems enjoyable to me. My views on it in public haven’t changed at all but it’s a start. Most of all I look forward to us being a family. Mum, dad, you, pup and the waps of course.

To my Beth, despite all my worries I love you. That I never worry about.

pupbump

As close as he can get to protect you.

Getting prepared

Published April 25, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So with only 6 weeks or so left till D day I’m starting to get stressed. It’s not so much I want to be, more that my brain likes kicking in at 2am and reminding me of everything that is going to be happening. And it’s not just Beth’s arrival to shake things up. My college exams start Monday and it feels like despite weeks of classes and working my ass off nothing learnt has stuck. I read a previous exam question and I can feel the information in my head but not the answers. I’ve been trying to revise anatomy for a week now and even though it’s going in very slowly, I know on the day the questions that come up will not be relevant to anything I’ve picked up. I’m putting the pressure on myself of course as normal. I’m not sleeping already as it is. In between bathroom breaks, the morning sickness (Which still continues), heartburn and just aches and pains it’s making for long nights and a vile woman to deal with first thing. Kim got the blunt end of things this morning with a simple joke about the dishwasher. Pup is getting it today just by being pup.

I should relax, I know. I’ll be fine. I’ll do the exams and I’ll pass at the very least. Beth will be born and everything will just slot in and work as it should. I think I’ve started worrying with the birth side of things a little more though since yesterday. We had our antenatal class and were told to get our bags packed by next week as anything could happen from now on. I think it’s the uncertainty of it all that’s driving me nuts. I sort of just want her here now. I’m tired of worrying over things that are out of my control with her. We’ve got pretty much everything ready for her though knowing me it’ll all be off in some sort of way when she does arrive. I worry about being alone with her when she is here. Like I don’t know a thing about babies. They say it comes naturally, but does it? And how will I cope with things like generally living and then managing pup to top it off. I’m currently washing all the clothes that Kim’s mum got for us. (So very grateful for these as they were perfect and a huge weight off my mind) but I’m pretty sure I’ve gone and managed to dye everything pink. It wasn’t till they were solidly in the wash that I realised there were whites and colours in there. I sort of hope it doesn’t go all wrong but if it does will it just prove the sort of failure parent I’ll be? Yeah this is my brain currently. I just have to keep singing this one song to myself.

Patti: What’s going to happen? What does the future hold? So many things that I put off, Assuming I’d have time, assuming I’d grow old. What’s going to happen? And will I be alive tomorrow? What’s going to happen…to me?

Dr. Cox: You’re going to be okay

All: That’s what’s going to happen. Everything’s okay. We’re right here beside you, we won’t let you slip away. Plan for tomorrow ’cause we swear to you, you’re going to be okay

Patti: I’m going to be okay

All: That’s what’s going to happen

Patti: Everything’s okay

All: Everything’s okay. We will never leave you, right here we will stay (Plan for tomorrow) Plan for tomorrow, ’cause we swear to you, you’re going to be okay

J.D.: We hope…

Dr. Cox: Shhhhh…..

Pregnancy update

Published January 17, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So I’ve been avoiding posting pregnancy related things as 1, a lot of people don’t enjoy hearing about it and 2, not a lot of what I have to say is the lovely joys that others seem to be blogging about. I think it’s about time that I let the world know how I’m feeling at  19 weeks 5 days.

First thing though. Ireland sucks balls for care for pregnant women. I just found at that our 20 week “anomaly” scan is just a quick scan. They won’t do a thorough check like they would in the UK unless you are high risk. Why? Because of funds and the abortion laws over here. An entire country ran on religion still. I shouldn’t moan. I could just leave this place but it’s silly in this day an age to not give people this choice. I saw people as  I don’t believe it’s simply a woman’s choice. It is something that affects a whole family and everyone should be able to have a say. Not my place to judge that though and this isn’t what this is about. I guess I’m annoyed with it because I just want everything to be ok after this long and I don’t want to go through everything just to go through a loss that could have prevented or at least eased somewhat.

Now the update part. I have mostly hated being pregnant. 2 1/2 years and yes I’m grateful. I’m happy to be in this situation but I’m so tired and fed up with it that I would happily sleep through the next 20 weeks without a doubt. The morning sickness of the first few weeks developed into something else after 13 weeks. It was like morning sickness for the lazy. No longer can I sleep through a night without wanting to eat. I have to be up around 6.30/7am because any later my stomach will destroy itself and I’m sick. I’ve tried eating in bed, doesn’t work. I’ve tried eating before bed, doesn’t work. I’ve tried different foods, doesn’t work. Nearly 20 weeks and still suffering. And is it just in the morning? Nope it’s whenever I leave food a little too late. I need to eat every 2 hours or so and a quick nibble of something means nothing. I have to eat a meal to get satisfaction and I WILL be starving very soon after. At this rate I will be a globe. Then there is the acid reflux. Since 10 weeks everything I eat sets it off, this is probably what is causing the sickness. I’m drinking Gaviscon from the bottle to ease it because nothing else does. I’m waking up to 4/5 times a night to pee, something which they promised would ease off by the second trimester. I’m tired constantly and not just from the lack of sleep. I’m worn out, fatigued, exhausted, ka-put… And with that comes the annoying one I’m out of breath pretty much all the time. I walk up the stairs and I have to catch my breath. I’m unfit but jesus not that bad. Again I’m grateful to know this is all normal and there are parts I enjoy. The bump (which is mostly a B bump than the D skinnies have) is a nice change to pancake layers of fat I’ve had in the past. My boobs haven’t really changed apart from becoming firmer. They remind me of a cheap porn star. Kim really doesn’t mind this at all. Buying things is nice as I don’t have to worry about my sizes for them. Except maternity clothes and that will just set me off on my ultimate rage. Why the fuck do designers/shops insist on only making skinny jeans? I’m a large girl, hell I won’t beat around the bush, I’m fat. The last thing people need to see if my tubby waddling ass and legs looking like a poorly butchered set of denim sausages. Designers! Get some fatties and design proper clothes for us ¬¬ Ok…Breath…Buying things is nice. A friend of mine has just got us an N7 Babygro for Wiggly. N7 by the way is my much-loved Mass Effects elite fighting force. I’m looking forward to it arriving and eventually showing off Wiggly in it looking like a bad ass.

Anyways I’ve ranted away and people will probably think I should shut up for those who would be grateful to be in my situation. To them I apologise but for fucks sake pregnancy is not the whole glowing beautiful smugness that everyone makes it out to me. What to Expect, 9 months…Even Junior – You lied to me! You lied!!!

I’m all ok

Published November 19, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Warning – Will probably include pregnancy stuff, it’s very dull if you’re not interested in that type of thing.

So it’s been a few weeks since I last posted. I’ve been trying to focus on my college work and catching up as quite simply I feel I’ve been falling behind with it all. It’s not that I’m not bothering to do the work, it’s simply I don’t understand what I’m doing, I get frustrated with it and then I wait on it until it’s too late. I then start it again and suddenly it all makes perfect sense. It’s a pretty bad system I have in place for it all. I have however managed to mostly catch up and will be so happy for when the Christmas holidays begin. Though yet again we’re poor this year, we’ve been saving points on surveys for vouchers to spend on amazon which means tonnes of cheap books. Kim has got most of the season off too so we’ll be together with barely any interruptions. It’s going to be nice. We’re having the big Christmas dinner at our home again with friends and I’m really looking forward to it. Not to mention the release of the Hobbit 2 (sounds so wrong saying it that way) that I’m really looking forward to. I read the book shortly after the first was released and enjoyed it so much more than LOTR. Maybe because it was shorter and I’m a huge dwarf fan girl. Not just from the hobbit series but pathfinder, wow and well anything dwarf related. They’re just cool.

But yeah everything is going okay at the moment. I had my first midwife appointment about a week back. I say midwife, it’s more the local nurse. Here in Ireland you don’t see a midwife until you’re actually in labor. But yeah she took 20 minutes to get blood out of my arm , numerous stab wounds down it and a little bruising that lasted 2 weeks. It’s a good thing I don’t have a fear of needles. Turns out all my levels are where they should be, I’m type O- blood type (which is just totally metal \m/) And she prodded my fat saying she could feel something which was right for where it should be. She wouldn’t doppler me simply as she said it was too early and she didn’t want to worry me if you found nothing. Understandable but I wish she would just say that I’m fat and it’s difficult. All these nurses so far seem to keep dodging around it like I might be emotionally scarred otherwise. I’M FAT, I KNOW, I WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT BUT I’M HUNGRY EVERY 2 SECONDS!!! Kim has for a while been calling me Blout (A character from book of unwritten tales) He’s one half of a 2 headed ogre and his lines mainly consist of “Blout hungry”….Yeah that’s been me. It’s quite accurate really.

I’ve got the big 12 week scan happening on Tuesday next week and time can not move quick enough. I’m staying positive as as terrible as it seems worst case scenario just puts us back where we were at the start of September. I’ll be upset but I’ve had hope now. It’s what I needed to keep going. Best case scenario is we come home and do the lame announcement on Facebook. No scan pics though as it’s not something I really want to share with the world.

I’m going to be honest though I’m terrified of this pregnancy. It’s weird not having any control over what my body is doing. I’m scared that I’ll get ill with the numerous things I run risk of with my weight. I’m scared Wiggly will be born early and be sick and ill. I’m worried he’ll have some sort of special needs and I won’t know what to do. I’m worried he’ll be born and I just won’t know how to care for him. (I keep saying he as I’m convinced it’s going to be a boy, yeah it’s early but I just have this feeling. It’s tricky to explain.)This is the type of stuff I’ve been dreaming recently. It’s miles off but I feel I have no idea what to do. All I sort of want is my mum there to help. We’ll see though. I’m a little homesick recently and just want this week out-of-the-way. Apologies for boring people with all this, At least I’m not doing those weekly updates with pictures of fruit. As fun as they are the first few weeks they get really old really quickly.

Anyways I’ll leave you in the hands of my metal blood type.

Blindsided yet again

Published November 4, 2013 by reachandflexibility

So it’s been  while since I last posted. Figured I’d update on how college and life was going to make sure the world hadn’t forgotten about me. A blog I read recently mentioned about people with infertility moving on with their lives and then just vanishing. I sort of don’t want to do this. This blog wasn’t just for the TTC worries, it was everything really. So guess I better update before I put it off again.

College has been going OK. Exhausting really as my timetable is a bit of a mess and my Monday’s are pretty much 9-5’s that I’m not used to at all. Fridays are 9-5 on my feet days at the vet which I was not expecting to do again after getting back to college. They conveniently dropped it on us that we’d need placements on our first day starting. None of us were prepared for it. Classes are mostly going OK apart from the really pointless modules such as health and safety and Internet. I’m supposed to be learning how to care for dogs and yet they insist that I know about digital signatures and what a company safety statement is. I loathe these classes and a lot of my frustrations come from simply thinking about them.

As expected, apart from 1 girl I’m the oldest there. The others are between 18-22 most of which are not the brightest and have a tendency to bathe in hooker perfume. I get on with them but outside of college socializing will probably never happen. I’m just not one to spend every night drinking or looking at young lads who probably wouldn’t know what to do with a woman.

The tutors are a mixed bunch. A few sort of think we’re 15 years old and as such should be treated that way. For example the teacher who spells words as he reads out notes to us. Not difficult words either. Other tutors there have no point in being there. They mutter the task at the start of the lesson and then just wonder around asking if we’re OK for the rest of it. Useless when the whole class just decides to play on Facebook. Then there is my customer relations teacher. (Yeah I do have animal classes on this animal care course…They’re mostly power point presentations though). Anyways my CR teacher is a strange person. She’s older and stranger. With her last name being “Looney” it should have been expected to be honest. But unexpectedly she seems to be the one I’m growing most fond of. She reminds me of my mum and she seems to show genuine concern for any problems I might be having. I guess it’s not unnatural that she also teaches most of the nursing classes with how empathic she seems.

And I think it was with this empathy that she noticed how stressed I was feeling. She could tell I had yet again been blindsided and was struggling to stay logical and on path. Had I been blindsided by family or friends or even by that friend of a friend of a friend? No. I had been blindsided my own body. On September 30th 2013 I came to notice that AF was late. Now it can normally take a few days and I wouldn’t worry but this was unusual. CD33 of a normally max 31 day cycle. And nothing. No spotting, no cramping just felt normal. I tested and it was BFP. You can read about that at http://unabletoannounce.wordpress.com/ (This was my escape before anyone knew). I was honestly in shock. We’ve had no BFP’s since early 2012. I head back to college and I focus on something else. I get on with life and BAM there it is. I had actually sorted my fertility appointment for the 10th October in the end and if anything was just counting down to that.

Well on the 10th we went that appointment and explained what had happened to the nurse. She was so happy for us. I was still just abstract to it all. We were scanned and saw a black hole, everything was fine. Now things didn’t stay this simple, At the end of 6 weeks I had some spotting and all symptoms vanished. I accepted that it was over and went for my prebooked scan just to confirm it all. However there was a heartbeat. Wiggly was fine. I couldn’t believe it. I had her show me the screen, made her check 100 times. I’m currently 9+1/9+5 on whatever date I’m meant to go by and counting down to the 26th. The 26th will be the big scan. The one that marks the end of the first trimester.

I’m still in shock at times. I can’t believe what has happened. That this miracle should happen when I least expect it. I expect at any moment for something to go wrong but I can’t play those scenarios over in my head. If they happen I can’t have lived them twice. For now I remain hopeful. I accept every hungover feeling I get, the exhaustion, the backache from sleeping so badly. I hope that this lasts. I pray that this lasts.

I’m sorry to anyone blindsided by this post. I know it’s not easy to hear and maybe I should have made a warning at the start. I will not start moving myself off the way some women do when they get their BFP’s with the comments of “oh it will happen to you too” or “just relax, like it did with me”. Things can go wrong, I know that all too well. Those comments do not help either, I know that from experience as well. I think I’ll just keep posting for now. I don’t think we’re ever out of the infertile trenches. Even those who have given birth can never leave this place behind. For now I’ll just carry on like before, doing my college work and sharing pictures of my pup.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Keep rollin’ rollin’!

Published January 22, 2013 by reachandflexibility

Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.

A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.

I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.

I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much –  Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.

Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂

My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂

violet

How I currently feel ^^

/sigh

Published July 29, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So everything has been a little sucky recently. I’m trying to stay positive but well it’s not always working. I’ll give you guys the run down

1 – Still not pregnant. We’re currently on CD16 of cycle 14. 15 months into TTC. Did I think it would take this long? Well nope. If the original idea of waiting for my divorce to come through had been the plan then we wouldn’t even be trying now and would then most likely be waiting 15 months + from then on. Am I hopeful that it might happen this cycle? Nope. Am I expecting my appointment letter to come through from the doctors? Nope. A 6 month wait time takes us into November. I know it’s only a few months away but I sort of want to take some control over all this and stop leaving it to blind luck. I want to fix whatever is wrong. I want to stop feeling so angry at everyone around me that has no clue what this is like. I can’t just relax. I’m not that type of person.

2 – We’re still jobless. I know TTC and no income is probably not the best of things but I’m not expecting it to happen any time soon so may as well not waste any money on birth control. The job centre people have disallowed my claim for money for some unknown reason. I only know this much after waiting 4 months and then actually going into the offices to be told this. I have to wait for a letter before I can appeal against it and I don’t expect that to arrive any time soon.

3 – I’m not expecting to get onto the Cork course for veterinary nursing. There are too many applicants and even if I work every day on my voluntary work I don’t think it will help. I’ve got an interview at a college in the UK for a similar course but that might mean leaving Kim for a year and I don’t know if I can do that. It also depends on where he gets a job as well as we may just end up moving somewhere that doesn’t offer a course. I just feel lost in this whole situation. I feel I have no control over any of it. Kim is also stressed by it all understandably and I just don’t know what to do. I just want to run away from everything at the moment.

4 – Now this one may sound like I’m over reacting. I love my pets. I always have, right from my first cat Nigel to my recent puppy Plato. Currently I have hamsters too. When me and Kim had our 8 month anniversary we bought a hamster called Oegle (They’re all named after Danish words by the way). Oegle turned out to be pregnant and 4 weeks later had 3 little hammies. (Yeah even the hammie got pregnant with no problems ¬¬). Anyways the 3 little ones we kept and called Paleag (sp?), Flyve and Broed. Each night they have been given choccy drops and well I love my little hammies. On Friday I checked in on them as I normally was and Broed the runt wasn’t acting normal. He was rocking side to side and barely moving. I instantly started crying. I knew something was wrong and didn’t want to accept what was happening. We got him to the 24 hour vets and it seems he had a growth inside him. It was blocking his bladder and caused him to just fill with urine. they drained most of it and he seemed to lose all his weight with it. He was dehydrated and underweight. If he had been a cat or dog we might have been able to do something but he was so small and so sick. It’s terrible that we could not have been able to notice it sooner. There was nothing we could do. We had him put to sleep. I cried when he finally stopped breathing. I lost one of my little hammies. He was defiant to the end biting the ultrasound and trying to get the vet but now he’s gone. All I want is my little Broed back.

I’m trying to stay positive with everything going on at the moment but I just want something to go our way. I just want that light at the end of the tunnel to say that it’s all going to be ok. I want a miracle.

“My wife’s an incredible woman. She’s loving and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this, but the woman’s always right… I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby… Please?”

Friends – The one with the birth mother

 

The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.

Published April 24, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Recently I’ve been sort of living in my own head. Not so much troubled more just in deep thought. There’s nothing wrong I’m just I dunno… Feeling distant from the world around me. I don’t like where I currently am in the world. I have no job and no set plan. I’m sort of lost in chaos trying to find where I’m going. It has crossed my mind in a 1% idea to head back home and leach off my mum. Find a job there on a call centre for 2 years and see where I go from there. As said that is a tiny tiny and incredibly improbable concept. Mostly because I can’t and won’t leave Kim. The current plan is of course Denmark but as I don’t speak the language and have that little skill in learning languages it is sort of difficult to try for. Every position I see I’m under qualified for or I just don’t fit the bill at all. After 10 minutes of searching I feel like a waste of space on society and will regret all decisions made in the last 10 years. Well I say all. Mostly 1 of dropping out of college. Like why didn’t I bother with it? Am I really that stupid that I didn’t understand it or was I so tired with authority figures tying to control my life that I thought working might be easier? Afterall it’s the same problem with authority that made me loathe my past roles so much anyways.

Looking for jobs makes me question my worth. It’s something that confuses a lot of people when they meet me. I’m the person who can define self-confidence and self-esteem. I have the self-confidence that’s for sure. Hell I’m writing all this on a public blog that everyone I know is free to view. I openly discuss my worries with a world I barely know. I’m the one who will in front of a room full of people lead the charge against something I believe in. But that’s where it ends. This is where the self-esteem comes in. I view myself as a bad person. This weeks current negatives come from the fact that my skin resembles that of Two-face’s.  My trousers are sitting uncomfortably which means I’m conscious of my ever flabby stomach. I’m afraid of my friend visiting and his only memory of the week is “wow, she packed on a few pounds”. Maybe I’m going crazy. I worry that I’m stupid due to my limited knowledge of the world around me. It’s backed up by my inability to write anything decent despite my love of it. This is honestly the stuff that goes through my brain. Self esteem has never and will never be my strong point and it certainly isn’t aided by companies looking for “enthusiastic team players”. What ever happened to just employing people to do a god damn job?

I’m also worrying about the 2nd miscarriage and whether I should get checked out right now. Currently on cycle 11 and with 2 in the logs it sort of plays on my mind. It also doesn’t help watching the forums and feeling that I’m getting left behind. It’s also NIAW this week ( National infertility awareness week) and despite wanting to support it I sort of feel I can’t as I’m yet to be lumped in with any sort of diagnosis. So I’m in limbo with that as well. Leave it for Denmark is my main idea but when will that be and even if we get there do I feel right going to a doctor that 1- I can’t communicate with well and 2- I feel I don’t deserve the help from when I’ve practically only just arrived in the country?

This stuff is clearly distracting me at times but when I go to explain it, it’s like my mouth and brain become disconnected. I just go with “yeah…I’m just blegh is all”. As said there is nothing majorly wrong. I’m not depressed or even sad. I’m just distracted. I need something to set my mind on trying, something I know has an actual goal. I don’t mean like completing a game or building something. More a life goal, I need to know where I’m going and what I’m doing. Without it I’m driving myself mad.

For once I’m not even sure to post this one. This is all too much in my own head. I’ve been planning for days to get this out of my system. Writing is my outlet and if people read it that is their choice. Not sure I’ll answer any questions regarding it all but we’ll see.

 

 

Dont Care how, I want it now…..The consequences.

Published April 14, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So today I’m going to write about a fun subject. Chemical fucking pregnancies.

Taken from google – “A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.”

Now before I started TTC I’d never heard of such a thing. Women were either pregnant or they weren’t. They had miscarriages yes but not something like this. This to be honest is a cruel joke I find. It’s the telling a child they’re going to Disney Land just to instead take them to the dentist. To see that excitement and then to dash it in one foul swoop.

Well today I got to enjoy this for the second time in my TTC life. Wednesday after feeling so off key to how I normally would I did a cheap test. BFP? You can not be serious…Why would I get a BFP? Let’s try this again shall we with a more honest result…BFP….Hm that really can not be right, maybe it’s because they are a cheap brand. I’ll buy some FRER and see what they say. Wow BFP as well on both of them and the lines are quite strong…Shit maybe we have actually done it this month. Maybe I should take back everything I said in my last blog. Maybe I should actually pray to thank whoever is in charge for what’s happened…Shit what if this all goes wrong?

Well after a night of no sleep I finally came round to this idea. I was pregnant. My little pea was there and holy shit we had done it. I was going to stay level though, I knew the risks and what could go wrong. I didn’t bother with the doctors as I knew AF could show again. The day goes by and I’m spending all day feeling rough, headachey and achey. Crampy which I was assured was normal. I began to relax into this idea that it could go ok. 80% chance of being fine. That’s fucking good odds I’m figuring. The next day goes by, all well. Little less achey but hey I must just not be as aware of it today. Go to sleep feeling happy.

Today I woke, migraine splitting my head in two. And then I felt it..the cramping, something I knew very well. Not the cramping I’d had the last few days. No this was stronger and I knew exactly what was going on. My pregnancy had ended within 3 days. At 4w 2d I had lost my second pea.

Can I say I’m upset? To be honest…Not really. Disappointed? Yes I am. Pissed off? For sure. It’s been a good few days and I’ve enjoyed dreaming of the future and I’ve enjoyed the fact that we finally reached that stage again. Having it taken away has sucked but I was prepared for it this time. I might not be happy about it but I’m not sad for it.

It’s been a long few days. Maybe next time I will be lucky. Maybe next time I’ll get my pea and it will be mine forever. We will see. Either way chemical pregnancies suck and should not exist….I apologise to anyone who may have felt my wrath at all today and I apologise to anyone this might worry. Don’t worry because honestly I am fine. I’m alive and it’s not the end of the world. I will get what I want. I always do, whether it’s now or in 10 years time.

 

Oh to help people who arn’t in with the acronyms –

BFP – Big fat positive

TTC – Trying to conceive

FRER – First Response Early Response

AF – Aunt Flo ( Or Ahhh Fuck as Kim has decided it should be)