pnd

All posts tagged pnd

Still going strong

Published January 8, 2015 by reachandflexibility

Beth is currently napping upstairs after a disaster of a start to the day. She decided 3,50 would be the time to get up and I don’t deal with not sleeping. I’ve not updated in a while despite meaning to. We’re still waiting on paperwork, I’m enjoying Danish food a little too much for my waistband to enjoy and Kim’s job has been made permanent.

So to update. It’s been a tough Christmas here. Kim worked 12 days straight and it was exhausting for him. Tiring for me too but that’s because I just need 23 hours of sleep to get by it seems. Like seriously my whole immune system was destroyed. Cold sore after cold sore for like a month. I’m ill with a cold right now. It sucks. Anyways we ordered all our food for the week online. That arrived a day late with only a fraction of what we ordered. Luckily it included the Christmas dinner but that was pretty much it. It rained all week and that caused the electrics to play up as well. It wasn’t much of a Christmas, we didn’t even have a tree, but it was nice to spend some time with Kim after so long of him working. Beth got lots of gifts most of which she won’t touch as they make noise and she just starts to cry when they come near her. No idea what causes it. She won’t even let me have music playing on the iPad. She’s an odd child.

We’re growing closer. I’ve started using a wrap for walks and it’s helping us both. Well helping me mainly. I get to have my arms free and I sort of feel more bonded with her. It’s made things a little better for me mentally anyways. Things are still up and down in my head at the moment. Mostly up. We have blips but that’s normally if I’m tired or it’s been a very long week. If Beth gets out of her routine then it throws me off completely and I know it will end in a day of her screaming and me crying. It’s tough sometimes but luckily that’s not happening as often as it used to.

I’m still enjoying living in Denmark. Our house is perfect even if it does still need sort of moving into. Furniture is being bought slowly but surely and its just a matter of time before it becomes more of a home to us all. I love waking up to see how the day looks out. It’s pretty grey recently but every now and again you get a clear skies morning and it makes everything that little easier. We even had snow just after boxing day. I took Beth out to see it and pup got to explore the whole new world that had landed. I look forward to it when she’s older and we can build a snowman outside the front for the hunt master to get angry about. Yeah, life is ok at the moment. It’s peaceful.

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Home sweet home

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15 weeks – all change

Published September 17, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So I haven’t posted in a little while as to be honest it’s been nonstop here. I got diagnosed with pnd and put on anti depressants and also ordered to get a nights sleep once a week. Easier said than done of course. But despite only being on the pills for a short while and then stopping cold turkey I’m feeling really well. I still feel a little lonely at times but I’m trying to find ways to reach out to people.
Beth is now over 15 weeks old and still as demanding as ever. She feeds every 3 hours during the day and was doing this at night as well up until about 3 weeks ago. Now she’s sleeping 9-5 (though it’s been 4 the last 2 nights) and Kim gets up with her so I get a lie in most mornings. It’s certainly an improvement. For one thing I’m back in our bedroom rather than the spare room.
Me and are her are bonding a lot better than we were and I’m certainly growing to love her. She’s becoming a lot easier to guess what’s wrong with. My only wish right now is that I could have some time to be myself for maybe an hour a week. Seems my alone time is spent sleeping and every waking moment is with Beth. Either looking after her or cleaning up/preparing things for her. It can be a little tough at times. Hopefully things will get better with the next bit of news.
Me and Kim are finally moving to Denmark. He’s been offered a job and we’re currently on our last week in Ireland before the big move. It’s a pretty stressful time for both of us but the new house we have found is perfect for our new life and soon after the move we’ll also be getting married. New family life in Denmark as we had both hoped for for a long time. I’ll finally be learning the language properly and can hopefully start getting my dog grooming set up or maybe trying and find more training in it. I actually got a distinction over all from my college course. I was pretty impressed even if the grooming was a complete nightmare.
For now I’m just trying to pack boxes when I have my arms free. Beth is most definitely a Velcro baby at times and only naps for about 20 minutes before wanting feeding or entertaining. Not to mention pup being ever present and very curious. Ah well I better get some more done now while I have the chance.

finally a picture of my little girl. She’s about 12 weeks there 🙂

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The first law of alchemy

Published July 27, 2014 by reachandflexibility

“In order to obtain or create something, something of equal value must be lost or destroyed.”

Beth is nearly 8 weeks and although she has been reasonably calm these last few days the above quote has been flying through my head. Although unhealthy, I’ve been thinking about everything I have lost in gaining her. Everything I’ve been feeling recently can amount to 3 words.

Guilt

For not being able to love her like a normal mother would. For not carrying on breast feeding despite everything that says it’s for the best. For not running to her every cry within seconds simply because I’m too exhausted of bending to her every demand. For not being as good a mother to her as I know I should be.

Then there is guilt to Kim and pup. For not being able to give them the attention they once had. For not being able to share a bed with them both because I know caring for Beth at night will simply keep them awake. For making Kim work a job he hates simply to keep us all going. For putting him in a life he may never have chosen.

This section could go on a lot longer. Mothers are so judgemental of everything you do. If you’re not doing it to their standards or to this weeks “guidelines” then you’re selfish and a bad mother. A lot of guilt stems from this. I want to be a good mother, so why do I listen to these types?

Loneliness

I’m doing a lot of this by myself. Though Kim helps he has to work a lot of the time and the last thing he wants is to be working again as soon as he gets through the front door. I have no family here to help out and the friends I do have have little experience with babies. That’s when they actually remember I exist anyways. I spend my days in front of the TV holding Beth counting the hours until Kim gets home. There is nowhere to go where I live. No simple trip down the shops. I can’t even walk the dog easily with the pram and going out without him is not an option. I have no one to really talk to and it’s lonely. People say I should ask for help because I never do. There is no one to ask though. And even if there was, what can they do? Why even bother them?

Mourning

For the above first law. Everything I feel I have sacrificed.

Going straight back to college, walking pup casually during the day, my body or at least what I knew it to be, a fun, enjoyable sex life, my social life (or at least what there was of it), any time gaming, a full nights sleep, my identity…

I guess a lot of what I’m trying to figure out with this is who I am now. As a mother I feel like nothing. I feel like Beth is the personality and the life and I’m just the drone which sustains her. Like that guy from total recall. I feel like I’ve lost who I am and I’m mourning that as I try to figure myself out. I feel like a shadow of who I used to be. Was it an equal cost for her? I hope so.

This is just me trying to structure my thoughts before the next feed which I know will come soon. Another night of feed, nap, feed, nap. Before another day of feed, settle, feed, settle… It will get better. Just need to keep my head above the water.

6 weeks – colic, smiles and afternoons off

Published July 18, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So today was me and Beth’s 6 week check. She’s fine in every way. Well apart from the colic. The colic that for the last 5 weeks or so has been driving us all mad. We’ve tried nearly every solution out there from changing her formula (she was breastfed but it was exhausting having her feed for hours on end, the lack of control/knowledge of how much she was actually getting from me and the fact that Kim couldn’t help out) to white noise on the ipad. It’s only in the last few days that she began to settle a little more and even then we still have a few hours of grouchiess.
She’s now around 4.5kg in weight and growing well. She feeds every 3 hours on the dot and is handling the nights quite well. Despite her clearly having Kim’s grumpy face we have even had a few smiles the last few days. They are few and far between but they are there.
I am getting there…with a nights sleep I’m able to cope. Well no, I feel good when I get a nights sleep. I get the housework done, I enjoy my days and I enjoy Beth. With no or little sleep I’m a mess. I’m like I was 4 weeks ago. Tuesday morning I was like this after having around 3 hours sleep, interrupted of course. Kim left for work with Beth crying and me saying that I wished for just a few moments she didn’t even exist. Well he took the afternoon off to come back and look after both of us. It was needed and I was so grateful for the help and support. With a little sleep I felt slightly more normal again.
Well at today’s 6 week check I got given the line that Kim has practically been chanting at me the last few weeks, “don’t beat yourself up”. The nurse told me that everything I was going through was normal. That depression was normal, that guilt was normal and that bonding does take time for some mothers. I nearly started crying there and then. I’ve not been diagnosed with anything but I’ve been told I need to look after myself. To get help when I need it and to take it easy. And of course to stop beating myself up. Easier said than done but I’m working it.
I’m back in 2 weeks for the start of her vaccinations so well see from there if need more help. I hope I don’t. A happier post will come soon I promise.