Haven’t updated since August. I’ve simply been too busy. I have even had to make a timetable for when I can fit things into my life.
University is going very well. There was a hiccup at the start where I worried how I was going to manage it all along with being a parent but after some tips from a student counsellor I’ve settled in nicely. I’m completing assignments on time and even managing the fuck tonne of required reading (though with Christmas things have slowed down).
I’ve met a load of different people from all around the world and learnt so much about their backgrounds and cultures. Countries which before, I had little knowledge about.
I’m enjoying the subjects too. Though currently there is a lot of theory and I’m worried how it will work in practice but my friends seem confident so I will just hope for the best.
Beth is doing well. Her speech has picked up incredibly over the last month or so. She loved Christmas and has gained an obsession with dinosaurs. She’s still as loud and as active as ever though.
The active side will do me good though. I’m treating 2017 as the year I get shit done. Starting with myself.
It’s been 2 weeks since I had my last fizzy drink and yesterday I started my healthy eating. The last time I focussed like this it worked and then I got pregnant. So time to focus again. And for the first time in 20 years I’m going to own a pair of scales. Horray for new years as they were on sale very cheap. I’m going to do this. I have my before pictures taken and my apps installed and if my timetable allows it in February I will join a gym up town and start on that side of things. I’m not going to go crazy and rush into things, trying to change every little aspect of my life. That won’t work with me. I’m taking it bit by bit. Slowly merging it into my life so that it just becomes the norm. The only thing I wish was that I had a little more support from people around me. So hopefully this blog will probably become that base. Mostly so I don’t bore the pants off my husband (we got married in September by the way! I’ll post more of that at a later date).
So yeah, the old cliche. New year, new me. Well a more disciplined version of me anyways. And if anyone would like to join me on this journey then please do. As it’s going to be a long fucking journey. (No seriously. The last weigh in I had was when I was 12 weeks pregnant, 3 years ago! and I was a BMI of 39…) Long…Fucking…Journey…
So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.
I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.
Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday – Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.
I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.
Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.” Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that? Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.
So new years resolutions. I actually have some this year as I feel I need to get stuff done and stop leaving it to chance and fate. So here we go –
1 – Lose weight and actually get in shape. Kim says I don’t need to lose any but I’ve got to that stage where I weigh the same as when I moved over to Ireland and I really don’t like it. I want to be able to wear my old trousers that make my ass look good, that’s all I’m asking. So I’m not going any fad diet, I can’t be doing with that. I’m just cutting down on the amount of junk I eat, getting rid of fizzy drinks and moving to fruity water as I think these are a huge part of my weight gain and I’m walking the dog more/ maybe running if I can get past this lazy barrier my body has put up against me.
2 – Get a job. If I can’t do this suck up my pride and ask the welfare for money again, this time without getting sarky with them despite the fact that they’re useless overpaid know-it-alls who if they lost their own jobs would have less chance than I have finding one.
3 – Expand my knowledge in some way this year, I’ll be getting my welfare course qualification so I guess that’s something
As you can see its going to be a busy few months for me and I plan to stick to each of these. 2013 will be my year and I will make it my year. I’m tired of watching everyone else move on with their lives while I sit there dwelling in the past. I’ve had enough of that. I’m making my life happy and god help anyone who tries to stop me.