Haven’t updated since August. I’ve simply been too busy. I have even had to make a timetable for when I can fit things into my life.
University is going very well. There was a hiccup at the start where I worried how I was going to manage it all along with being a parent but after some tips from a student counsellor I’ve settled in nicely. I’m completing assignments on time and even managing the fuck tonne of required reading (though with Christmas things have slowed down).
I’ve met a load of different people from all around the world and learnt so much about their backgrounds and cultures. Countries which before, I had little knowledge about.
I’m enjoying the subjects too. Though currently there is a lot of theory and I’m worried how it will work in practice but my friends seem confident so I will just hope for the best.
Beth is doing well. Her speech has picked up incredibly over the last month or so. She loved Christmas and has gained an obsession with dinosaurs. She’s still as loud and as active as ever though.
The active side will do me good though. I’m treating 2017 as the year I get shit done. Starting with myself.
It’s been 2 weeks since I had my last fizzy drink and yesterday I started my healthy eating. The last time I focussed like this it worked and then I got pregnant. So time to focus again. And for the first time in 20 years I’m going to own a pair of scales. Horray for new years as they were on sale very cheap. I’m going to do this. I have my before pictures taken and my apps installed and if my timetable allows it in February I will join a gym up town and start on that side of things. I’m not going to go crazy and rush into things, trying to change every little aspect of my life. That won’t work with me. I’m taking it bit by bit. Slowly merging it into my life so that it just becomes the norm. The only thing I wish was that I had a little more support from people around me. So hopefully this blog will probably become that base. Mostly so I don’t bore the pants off my husband (we got married in September by the way! I’ll post more of that at a later date).
So yeah, the old cliche. New year, new me. Well a more disciplined version of me anyways. And if anyone would like to join me on this journey then please do. As it’s going to be a long fucking journey. (No seriously. The last weigh in I had was when I was 12 weeks pregnant, 3 years ago! and I was a BMI of 39…) Long…Fucking…Journey…
I passed the interview. Starting the 1st September, I will be doing a 4 year degree in teaching. I’m just so full of different feelings right now. Excited, nervous, unsure but determined.
I have a goal now, a life again, something to aim for and to focus on. I feel like a person again. I feel like me again.
To give you all a backstory I finished my GCSE’s with good grades but at 17 went off the rails and flunked my AS’. I managed 3 U’s and an E in psychology. The only reason I managed that was because I had a panic attack and got seated by myself for the exam where I could focus and relax. I dropped out shortly after that and went straight into a working life. No qualifications for me. It wasn’t until 2013 that I went back to college and found out within 2 weeks of being there that I was pregnant with our long awaited daughter. I aced the 1st year despite the tough pregnancy, 3 weeks after the exams had Beth and then 4 months later we unexpectedly moved to Denmark. I never even started my second year. I just became a mother and nothing else. I never regained any sense of purpose. Only that sense of jumping through hopes to try and achieve anything.
But I’ve finally got it now. And I don’t want to lose this. I will do my best to get through this, to work hard, to be a good mother, to be a good role model to my little girl. To be a good wife to the man I love. I owe him that much after all these years of him supporting us. I can do this. I know it,
I have no options right now. I woke up to an email where the phrase “Based on what you describe, you do not fulfill the above-mentioned requirements.” was used twice. A gentle reminder that the decision I made 10 years to drop out of college was here to stay. My only choice, learn Danish well enough to pass the equivalent of the A levels here and then apply again. It can’t be done. I’ve gone through 16 teachers at my sprogskole now. I’m still unable to hold a conversation with someone. Why bother?
So my other option is to find work in an area I have no interest in. Back to customer service or worse. Some dead end shelf stacking job. And that’s provided they want me in English. Which they won’t as why hire someone who doesn’t speak the local language when the locals speak English just as well. The kommune were nice enough to change how much money I get. Which in turn changed our other levels of income. Meaning we’re now worse off each month. And then they expect me to pay for transport to jobs I couldn’t care less about. Transport they also raised the cost of.
I’m pissed. I have to have a meeting today with the kommune who will ask me what my aims are. Currently they are to try not to tear off the heads of any person who thinks this has an easy solution. Like “Do you just want to move back to the UK?”. I’m not even justifying that with a fucking answer.
I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alienated and alone. Working in an area I don’t want to. Among people I share nothing in common with. Not even the language.
I recently started seeing an psychiatrist. He determined I worry too much. And then I justify my worrying and then end up in a cycle stressed out. Yes I do that. I admit it. I see myself doing it right now. But how do you stop with something like this? Should I be apathetic to the situation? Should I be proactive and then be shot down at every corner and just accept it? I am just so fucking angry with this whole situation! This was supposed to be the better life. And it’s just fucked. It’s fucked for me. It’s better for Beth. It’s better for Kim. I’m alone and fucked though. And I refuse to accept it, but all I get told is to calm the fuck down. “We’ll find a way.” “You’re doing great at your Danish.” “don’t worry”.
I was ranting last time I was online I think. I cant be bothered with ranting today. By removing myself from the parenting world I actually feel a lot better about how me and Beth are doing. I’m not scared about her progress or how I am as a mother as I have nothing to compare it to. Nothing to remind me constantly that I might be failing in some areas. It’s a good feeling. Yes they suggest the groups for support but if anything, they just made things worse for me.
It would be nice to have the company of people sometimes but I’m terrible at conversation and as much Beth is a conversation starter I don’t really want to spend all my time talking about her. It is limiting though as she really is all that’s in my life currently. Aside from pup, Kim and WoW that is. And Kim is normally the only one I’m chatting to. You’d think I’d be lonely but I’m not. I’ve never been very good with people. There are times where I want to be surrounded by life of course but to actually converse with people. I’d rather pass.
If anything I want the opposite of parenting groups right now. I want non parents. I want to go out for a meal or a drink and talk about movies and video games. It’s not a cry for my old life but a cry for some sort of individuality at the moment. Our paperwork finally came through meaning a trip to the capital this week and from there my language lessons. It’s going to be so nice finally having my own little life again. I love Beth to bits but I really can’t wait to be by myself doing something worthwhile. Selfish of me? I don’t think so. I think it will do us both good. So far the only people she ever sees are me and Kim. It’s going to be an interesting day the first time she’s left at a creche.
She loves Kim to bits. As much as I do almost. We both wish he could be here more but we understand that he needs to work as much as he does. I wish I could help out more so that he didn’t need to. I’ll find a way soon enough I’m sure. Typically it all takes time though.
So currently on CD16 after starting on the pill and AF shows. My body aches and I have no idea why. I’m going to just forget the pill if my body is going to be messed up anyways. Why take it if I don’t ovulate and don’t have sustainable hormone levels? I’ve been trying to accept that I may never have children of my own and it’s a strange feeling. I’ve only once felt let down by it all and that was when we saw a scan on the TV happening. Like I might never experience that. I might never see that heartbeat or that little baby wriggling around. I could adopt but I’d miss out on one of the biggest experiences life has to offer. I guess I just don’t think that is fair. I’m trying to remain optimistic about things going on around me but it’s tricky at times especially when I don’t know how things will pan out.
I decided to stay in Ireland for my birthday instead of travelling back home as planned. With costs and being between my mum’s/dad’s it just wasn’t easy. Instead I spent the day with Kim eating Thai food (and even surprise choccy brownie with a candle) and relaxed all day. It was really all I could ask for. My 26th birthday come and gone with no big celebration. I’m thankful for that as quite frankly I don’t want to get any older. It’s not something people seem to understand but I think it’s because it’s been drilled in to me along the line somewhere that everything sort of goes downhill after 30. At 30 you’re expected to have children and be married and have a full-time career and well I have none of that and the clock is just ticking away without giving me a chance to catch up. Instead I’m 26, getting divorced, unemployed and possibly going back to school a decade too late and struggling with infertility. This sort of isn’t how I planned for things to happen but then again when has my life ever gone to plan?
But oh well. My birthday went well and I got to spend it with the man I love. And that’s all I could really ask for. I made my birthday wish and with any hope that will come true. Until then I will just go through the motions, making the most of the things I do have in my life. A perfect other half, amazing friends and family and a dog that will eat my socks. And hey, if I’m lucky a miracle might come my way some time…
And oh yeah “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”
Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.
A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.
I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.
I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much – Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.
Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂
My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂
So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.
I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.
Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday – Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.
I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.
Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.” Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that? Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.