expat

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Been a while.

Published January 25, 2016 by reachandflexibility

So I’ve not updated in nearly a year. It just slips my mind and finding the time with a now 19 month old is difficult. Especially between savoring the times she’s asleep.

Things have gotten easier as she has gotten older but for the last 3 months we’ve been in the world of tantrums and technology obsession. She has to have the tv, or the pc or the iPad if she sees them. She can access most games ¬†on them with no prompting from me. It’s a worry but how can I be a hypocrite and say no when the first thing I do in the morning is check my phone updates? She also has a few words now. An amount that I shouldn’t worry about as they all figure it out at some point. These consist of “up”, “hi” and of course “video”. Everything else is whinging or dragging you to whatever it is she wants.

She now loves the water. Considering the screams we had for baths when she was younger you can’t keep her away now. She still hates water on her head so hair washing is a pain but it’s better than her not getting in the bath at all.

She sleeps through and naps well for 2-3 hours which is a nice break for me to recharge my batteries for the next round. She doesn’t sit still ever. Maybe 5 minutes at most before she is up again. She climbs everything. Chairs have been removed from the table as she will climb on there. Leave her for 2 seconds and she will be at the highest point she can be. It’s nerve wracking. Nursery rhyme videos if the correct one for her mood will hypnotize her (and i do mean she will ignore everything around her, no matter what it is) for an astounding hour but I hate to do that. It’s not parenting to put your child in front of the TV all the time.

She eats now. Not meat which she will selectively pick out of her food but she’s on solids. Something that took a very long time for both her and me to deal with. She didn’t start weaning onto real solids until 9 months old. I was too terrified she’d choke and she just didn’t seem ready in my eyes. She is picky though like any toddler. Or selectively picky it seems. If it’s yours then she wants it. If it’s hers it will be on the floor or in the dog.

Shes probably like any other toddler. I have nothing to compare her to so I just assume she is. Her tantrums and reactions to sound/light toys worry me. She headbutts the floor and hits things when she doesn’t get her way. She hysterically screams if something is too much for her. She hates people. She has a scowl worthy of her father if anyone (even a child) comes near her. People in public result in her either sitting on the floor until they pass or clinging onto my leg for dear life. Sometimes we may get lucky and she will run through crowds of people but the scowling is more often a reaction. She’s been at school nearly a year now and still responds with hysterics when dropped off in the morning. These end pretty quickly once I leave but it’s just more struggle each morning. Her teacher even asked about her talking as she refused to make sounds to the carers there. Not even babbling. She has improved but only with time there. She’s most likely the way she is because we live so far away but quite frankly I don’t want to socialise with people. I share nothing in common with people. Even those with children. Very rarely do I meet someone I can chat to without feeling fake and like an outsider. Maybe she is the same way.

To be honest my life in Denmark is complicated at times. I sometimes wonder if we’d be happier in the UK but I know we wouldn’t. The food is shit, the people are idiots, the jobs would all be the same. And then you have the politics of my family to deal with as well as the unfairness to Kim and Pup. And then cost of uprooting again and it’s all not worth it. I know my problem here is the language. I’m isolated further because I’m not one of them. I’m further the outsider I would normally be. I can’t find a job until I learn it. My dream of going to university seems more impossible with every setback to my school. Whether it be illness, weather (we’ve been snowed/iced in), the terrible organisation by the school etc… Since august I’ve learnt little more than I have on Duolingo and I still can’t have a basic conversation with anyone as I can’t “hear” what they are actually saying. It’s like the words they say are different to the words that exist on paper. I hope and yet dread Beth learning it. Because I know if she does she will just be further away from me than she already feels. I’m lonely. I dream of being home and yet I have no home. I guess what I really dream of is a purpose where I matter. Because right now I don’t.

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