I have no options right now. I woke up to an email where the phrase “Based on what you describe, you do not fulfill the above-mentioned requirements.” was used twice. A gentle reminder that the decision I made 10 years to drop out of college was here to stay. My only choice, learn Danish well enough to pass the equivalent of the A levels here and then apply again. It can’t be done. I’ve gone through 16 teachers at my sprogskole now. I’m still unable to hold a conversation with someone. Why bother?
So my other option is to find work in an area I have no interest in. Back to customer service or worse. Some dead end shelf stacking job. And that’s provided they want me in English. Which they won’t as why hire someone who doesn’t speak the local language when the locals speak English just as well. The kommune were nice enough to change how much money I get. Which in turn changed our other levels of income. Meaning we’re now worse off each month. And then they expect me to pay for transport to jobs I couldn’t care less about. Transport they also raised the cost of.
I’m pissed. I have to have a meeting today with the kommune who will ask me what my aims are. Currently they are to try not to tear off the heads of any person who thinks this has an easy solution. Like “Do you just want to move back to the UK?”. I’m not even justifying that with a fucking answer.
I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to spend the rest of my life alienated and alone. Working in an area I don’t want to. Among people I share nothing in common with. Not even the language.
I recently started seeing an psychiatrist. He determined I worry too much. And then I justify my worrying and then end up in a cycle stressed out. Yes I do that. I admit it. I see myself doing it right now. But how do you stop with something like this? Should I be apathetic to the situation? Should I be proactive and then be shot down at every corner and just accept it? I am just so fucking angry with this whole situation! This was supposed to be the better life. And it’s just fucked. It’s fucked for me. It’s better for Beth. It’s better for Kim. I’m alone and fucked though. And I refuse to accept it, but all I get told is to calm the fuck down. “We’ll find a way.” “You’re doing great at your Danish.” “don’t worry”.
Maybe I’m maturing… Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful at CD25. Maybe its the fact that things are slowly getting better for me and I’m a little more positive about the future but I have managed to spend most of my day talking to my newly pregnant friend (her 2nd) and haven’t once turned into a miserable, bitter harpy that I normally would.
A few weeks back I even tried giving exercise advice to my other pregnant friend. I guess I’m trying to shake the jealousy off and just accept that even if my life is on hold theirs isn’t. And I want to be there as it happens for them. I never know but if it does happen for me one day then I will want them to lean on. There will be no-one if I shut them all out.
I managed a trip to the dr’s the other day and at the last-minute bottled out of asking for anti depressants. I had probably needed them a few days previously as I was in the dumps for about 4 days but things picked up and currently I’m feeling ok. I may have sorted my work experience after much searching and stress. The amount of places that didn’t even have the courtesy to send a simple reply to me was astonishing but I rang them and got answers. Going to visit a place on Friday and see what it’s like. If it’s ok getting there and such then I will work there 1 day a week and hope that it’s enough for my college to accept me. God I hope that do accept me. At least this time I’ll have an interview there.
I’ve also re-applied to the welfare people in a hope we can get some cash in. We don’t need much – Even a part-time job would be enough, but there just isn’t anything going over here. I’ve never worked in a shop and as such have no experience even for menial tasks. But something will come up. Even if nothing comes up I’ll get into college and then I’ll be a veterinary nurse and things will be fine that way.
Back to TTC as I haven’t really mentioned how any of that has gone recently. We took a break over christmas simply due to lack of funds but I had the pack of clomid sitting on my desk and thought what the hell. Quite a few women on the forums have 0 monitoring at all and forking out 200 euros of cash just for a 10 minute scan seemed silly for 1 month so I took them. I took them a few days later than the normal 2-6 but then was mostly due to the deliberation of whether I should take them unaided. I took the risk and had the normal side effects of hot flushes during the night. With my running and “diet” it was an interesting combination. I’m pretty sure because of taking them later I OV’d later but when that was I’m not sure. I’m thinking CD18 as I spent the whole of that morning having a tightening feeling right where my uterus should be. Since then nothing until a few days back where I started feeling like an inflated blueberry and sore nips but that’s it. I’m not testing this month as my last 2 cycles have been longer than previous ones. I dread they go back to the days when I first are 36 days was too long in my opinion. Lets leave this one to fate and deal with what I can 🙂
My running has gone on hold currently due to the ice ( I don’t feel like dying) but I hope to take it up again after my trip to the UK, I’ll also have my wiifit then as well so will be able to do some more exercise and hopefully shift some of this weight. I have lost none so far! This may be because of the clomid, It could also be that I need to do more exercise. It might also be that I’m losing it so slowly that I’m just not noticing. One thing is for sure – I love owning trainers again 🙂
So new years resolutions. I actually have some this year as I feel I need to get stuff done and stop leaving it to chance and fate. So here we go –
1 – Lose weight and actually get in shape. Kim says I don’t need to lose any but I’ve got to that stage where I weigh the same as when I moved over to Ireland and I really don’t like it. I want to be able to wear my old trousers that make my ass look good, that’s all I’m asking. So I’m not going any fad diet, I can’t be doing with that. I’m just cutting down on the amount of junk I eat, getting rid of fizzy drinks and moving to fruity water as I think these are a huge part of my weight gain and I’m walking the dog more/ maybe running if I can get past this lazy barrier my body has put up against me.
2 – Get a job. If I can’t do this suck up my pride and ask the welfare for money again, this time without getting sarky with them despite the fact that they’re useless overpaid know-it-alls who if they lost their own jobs would have less chance than I have finding one.
3 – Expand my knowledge in some way this year, I’ll be getting my welfare course qualification so I guess that’s something
As you can see its going to be a busy few months for me and I plan to stick to each of these. 2013 will be my year and I will make it my year. I’m tired of watching everyone else move on with their lives while I sit there dwelling in the past. I’ve had enough of that. I’m making my life happy and god help anyone who tries to stop me.
So 2012 is nearly up. Either by new year or the end of the world. So I figured it’s time for a re-cap as to what has happened this year.
Jan – Moved to new team and new shift (Without Kim due to admin fuck ups which couldn’t be sorted – yet another problem after 9 months of problems there)
March – Told I wouldn’t be getting the promotion I had been asking about for 9 months due to this being a new manager not willing to take the risk and tick 1 fucking box for me. Queue me handing in my notice as enough was enough. 1 week later redundancies are announced and because my notice has already been handed in I’m not eligible. Thanks for 3 1/2 years work gtfo.
April – Kim takes redundancies and we hope to move to Denmark for a new life.
May – This doesn’t happen. We both go to sign on to the welfare and find new jobs in Ireland. Kim gets the welfare instantly as he chose redundancy, I get screwed because I handed in my notice and didn’t get 20k for it.
In this point of the year the months fly by. We lose Broed and the welfare are still fucking me about. This time they’ve said I won’t get it and they’ll send me a letter saying why. I’ve started voluntary work and applied for college in the hope of becoming a vet. The voluntary work then goes tits up and 18 other “volunteers” (who are being paid by the college) start working there. I then spend my days holding a broom and trying to avoid conversation with the morons.
September – I find out that my college course hasn’t accepted me and didn’t even have the common decency to let me know, I pay for an evening course in one of the modules. I also get in touch with the welfare again who ask me to give them proof I’m looking for a job along with a dr’s note that says I’m fit to work. Well why am I looking for a job if I’m apparently not legal to work anyways? I tell them I won’t bring it as it makes no sense. I visit them and they refuse to allow my claim as I don’t have the dr’s note. They also put up arguments about my voluntary work and college course. Any point raised against them mearly results with a smug government attitude telling to speak to the minister. I tell her where to shove her claim. We also lose Oegle.
November – We lose Flyve. After so long I finally get an interview/ telephone interview. The telephone interviewer does not even call me. The live interview does not happen as the previously booked taxi wrote the wrong time. They thought we meant 12.45 at night the next day and not the logical 12.45 in the afternoon. I try to reschedule the interview and get the “we’ll let you know”…They never do.
December – I get a telephone interview, it goes well, I get a live interview, it goes well, They check my references and spend an hour on the phone with each of them making sure I’m capable of the job which I know I am. I don’t tell anyone as the sight of the “oh that sucks look” from people who don’t understand at all how destroying it is to exist as a burden is just not something I want to see. 2 days later I get a template email saying thanks but no thanks.
In this year I finally started infertility treatments. We’re currently on 1year 7 months and 2 days of TTC. I’ve done 1 month of Clomid. We can’t afford any more months currently as I don’t have a job. This last interview I had, had so much riding on it. It would have solved all the problems. But yet again at the last moment something out of my control fucked it up. In the new year I’ll be seeing the dr to get that note saying I’m fine to work but I’ll also be asking him for a prescription for Prozac as my head really is not where it should be right now. This isn’t something that can be fixed by a simple day out avoiding the problems. This can only be fixed by something good coming my way. A christmas miracle. That or the end of the world.
Here’s to 2013 and the forgetting of a shit 2012.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. – William E. Vaughan
I want to write today but I’m not sure what about. I wanted to write about the end of the world, I wanted to write about hope but as I started typing I held back and deleted it. I’m at a very confusing time in my life right now. I don’t know where I’m going or what anything will lead to. All I know is that I want something good to come my way. I was caught by a http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chugger the other day who said good things would come my way as I seemed like a good person. I really want to believe him but as ever doubt creeps into my mind. And with doubt comes despair. I don’t want to hope for anything as I’m tired of being let down. I mentioned this a while back and the reply I got was along the lines of “well why bother with anything then?”. I wonder this myself sometimes in the darker moments of my thought. My conclusion, I’m too stubborn to give up. I’ve come too far now to just hang everything up and end things.
I realise what minor things I have are actually important things to me, and things that make me happy are not worth losing. If bad news keeps coming my way then so be it. So long as it is just bad news for me then I guess it means others are being spared it and they are getting good news. I wonder why me but hopefully it means my time will come soon. Life is just a collection of moments, some bad, some good. You can’t have it good all the time.
Maybe the world will end on the 21st. Everything will be vaporised into nothing and everyone and everything will be on the same page. Everyone equal for the first time in history. Fairness in destruction. Balance of the force if you’ll accept my nerdy meaning. I don’t want the world to end as I sort of have a lot to get done while I’m here but if it does I guess I won’t mind so much as there will no longer be any problems. No need to hope. No need to be let down. Just peace.
Sorry for this rather unstructured post, my mind is a jumble of thoughts currently. I guess I’m trying to find logic in the madness.
I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived
God I need to shut down my head. Not TTC is going ok. I’m not feeling as normally stressed as I would right now but knowing I need to sort my prescription for next cycle has the whispers creeping in again. I can’t just sort it when my new cycle starts either because the pharmacy never has the trigger shot in stock and as such I’m stuck waiting for ages. I’ve been given a repeat prescription for 3 months in a hope that it works. Fingers crossed it will… And hopefully soon, the treatment is expensive and not having a job is proving to be a pain in the arse.
I’ve been checking sites daily in a hope that something appears. And nothing does. Customer service requires a second language, admin jobs are either far too far out or just not available. Even simple part time jobs are taken. I’m not sure what to do and even helpful advice is just seeming more like pressure to get something done. I realise I need to find something. I realise that money is tight and will be while I spend time searching. I really do hope something comes by soon. I daren’t look at my bank balance because I know it will just make me worry more. Some good news came through the mail today. Although making me smile briefly it then made me worry about money again and I’m having to subdue all panic in my cluttered little mind. I’ve been thinking about giving up ttc. It’s not going to work any time soon and all it will do is cost us money we don’t have. Even if we did get pregnant by some miracle we wouldn’t be able to afford it. I need to get myself mentally back to normal again as well. Maybe see the doctors to cut the edges from my thinking. We’ll see. I need to think :p
The good news in the post was a letter stating my decree of somethingorother will be going through on the 22nd November. This is the second to last stage of my divorce. Then I will be a legally single woman. Not actually single – I’m with Kim of course. But on paper I’ll be single. It’s good news. A glimmer of light in the darkness. Hopefully things will get sorted. Gpd I hope they get sorted.
So the day after my last post I decided to breath and just chill the fuck out. I died my hair (An amazing red I might add) and spent the day with friends just being normal again. I’ve decided to take a month off from TTC just to get my head back on straight. So no forums, no meds, no testing of anything. Just me and kim being a couple again. It seemed fair seen as we are approaching our 3 year anniversary. I guess it would be fair to him for me to be normal for at least a day.
And this is where the problems lie. I don’t want people worrying about me before I start. I don’t want the advice or the hugs or anything. I just want to continue like this post never happened. I’m posting it just for the sake of getting it out of my head as this is what the blog was meant for. I would scribble it in my diary book but then I don’t feel so much like I’m clearing my head and more just bottling it up further on paper.
I’m currently listening to a song by Pink Floyd called “The Final Cut”. It’s one my dad used to listen to and it’s one that has been in my collection since I was a teenager battling depression and attempting to appear normal. Some of the lyrics :
And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
This song after a long time has made it back on to the play list. I’m not at my lowest but I’m feeling pretty rough. I feel the only way I can get out of this is by doing something. In putting TTC on hold I’ve opened up the thoughts of so many other things which I need to sort. I need a job. I need one soon and I just don’t know what to do. I’m worrying about money even though Kim says we’re fine for now. We’ve cancelled our trip away this month due to finances and I sort of feel it is my fault by not trying hard enough. I need to lose weight. And not in a “oh no you don’t, you look amazing!” type way. I need to lose it in a “I’m not healthy and I’m just lying to myself” type way. I’ve asked my mum for my wiifit back as quite honestly I don’t want to go outside and she announces she has given it to my younger sister. The same one who in the most mature way blocked me on Facebook. Getting something from her will be impossible as she considers her life to be more important than anyone elses. Did I mention I tried to get her to sell my wedding dress for me. Gave her money for postage and she didn’t bother. Leant her money when she was going through a rough time at uni. Did she pay it back? Fuck no. Now she doesn’t even have time to reply to a message online. Fucking pathetic.
I’d go over and get it myself but we can’t afford flights. I’m getting tired of living off Kim and my mind is running in cycles that can’t be seen as healthy. I think he and everyone I know would be happier without me. But I know it would hurt them more if I left. I can’t admit this to any of them though as just seeming like this is a strain on them. Something which they could do without. At the end of the day it’s coming down to which is the greater pain. Having me around bringing them down or me just leaving. I have this romantic notion of just walking out of the house one day and never coming back. Not telling anyone where I have gone in an attempt to find myself. That will never happen. I don’t want to admit this but I think I need help.
Old vices are lurking in my head. They appear every now and again and I get through them, I even asked my sister for advice last time. She ignored me. They’re creeping back again. I just feel that everything is my fault. I left my last job, I haven’t found a new job, I’m just leaching in existence. Everything I do just isn’t good enough. I can’t even do whats meant to be natural. I have no purpose. I’m sorry everyone, I just don’t feel like me right now.