children

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Been a while.

Published January 25, 2016 by reachandflexibility

So I’ve not updated in nearly a year. It just slips my mind and finding the time with a now 19 month old is difficult. Especially between savoring the times she’s asleep.

Things have gotten easier as she has gotten older but for the last 3 months we’ve been in the world of tantrums and technology obsession. She has to have the tv, or the pc or the iPad if she sees them. She can access most games  on them with no prompting from me. It’s a worry but how can I be a hypocrite and say no when the first thing I do in the morning is check my phone updates? She also has a few words now. An amount that I shouldn’t worry about as they all figure it out at some point. These consist of “up”, “hi” and of course “video”. Everything else is whinging or dragging you to whatever it is she wants.

She now loves the water. Considering the screams we had for baths when she was younger you can’t keep her away now. She still hates water on her head so hair washing is a pain but it’s better than her not getting in the bath at all.

She sleeps through and naps well for 2-3 hours which is a nice break for me to recharge my batteries for the next round. She doesn’t sit still ever. Maybe 5 minutes at most before she is up again. She climbs everything. Chairs have been removed from the table as she will climb on there. Leave her for 2 seconds and she will be at the highest point she can be. It’s nerve wracking. Nursery rhyme videos if the correct one for her mood will hypnotize her (and i do mean she will ignore everything around her, no matter what it is) for an astounding hour but I hate to do that. It’s not parenting to put your child in front of the TV all the time.

She eats now. Not meat which she will selectively pick out of her food but she’s on solids. Something that took a very long time for both her and me to deal with. She didn’t start weaning onto real solids until 9 months old. I was too terrified she’d choke and she just didn’t seem ready in my eyes. She is picky though like any toddler. Or selectively picky it seems. If it’s yours then she wants it. If it’s hers it will be on the floor or in the dog.

Shes probably like any other toddler. I have nothing to compare her to so I just assume she is. Her tantrums and reactions to sound/light toys worry me. She headbutts the floor and hits things when she doesn’t get her way. She hysterically screams if something is too much for her. She hates people. She has a scowl worthy of her father if anyone (even a child) comes near her. People in public result in her either sitting on the floor until they pass or clinging onto my leg for dear life. Sometimes we may get lucky and she will run through crowds of people but the scowling is more often a reaction. She’s been at school nearly a year now and still responds with hysterics when dropped off in the morning. These end pretty quickly once I leave but it’s just more struggle each morning. Her teacher even asked about her talking as she refused to make sounds to the carers there. Not even babbling. She has improved but only with time there. She’s most likely the way she is because we live so far away but quite frankly I don’t want to socialise with people. I share nothing in common with people. Even those with children. Very rarely do I meet someone I can chat to without feeling fake and like an outsider. Maybe she is the same way.

To be honest my life in Denmark is complicated at times. I sometimes wonder if we’d be happier in the UK but I know we wouldn’t. The food is shit, the people are idiots, the jobs would all be the same. And then you have the politics of my family to deal with as well as the unfairness to Kim and Pup. And then cost of uprooting again and it’s all not worth it. I know my problem here is the language. I’m isolated further because I’m not one of them. I’m further the outsider I would normally be. I can’t find a job until I learn it. My dream of going to university seems more impossible with every setback to my school. Whether it be illness, weather (we’ve been snowed/iced in), the terrible organisation by the school etc… Since august I’ve learnt little more than I have on Duolingo and I still can’t have a basic conversation with anyone as I can’t “hear” what they are actually saying. It’s like the words they say are different to the words that exist on paper. I hope and yet dread Beth learning it. Because I know if she does she will just be further away from me than she already feels. I’m lonely. I dream of being home and yet I have no home. I guess what I really dream of is a purpose where I matter. Because right now I don’t.

Siblings

Published April 23, 2015 by reachandflexibility

I am one of 4 daughters. Growing up was reasonably good but there were times I wished I was an only child. School trips we couldn’t always afford, the competition for attention. The usual that comes from being a large family. There were of course the other times of company to play with and fun Christmases but mostly it was a clusterfuck of jealousy from what I remember. Especially once I entered my teenage years.

I mention all this because as Beth is now nearing a year old, the questions spring up of “do you plan on having another?” or “don’t you think she would like a little brother or sister?”. I seem to be in 2 minds about the answer to give currently. If you had asked me when Beth was 12 weeks old, the answer would have been a resounding NO! Ask me now and I have to weigh up options. I was thinking over it again last night and when I asked myself the real question of “Well, why do you want a second child?” My immediate reaction was “Well, I don’t really”. That should be the answer that matters and yet why does my mind sit and think I could go through it all again?

I hated trying to get pregnant (Well I enjoyed one aspect of course) but the obsession and let down and the time it took were too much to cope with.

I hated being pregnant. The morning sickness for 30 weeks and heartburn for 32 weeks were shit. The sheer exhaustion and I cant even claim I was doing anything too strenuous. College is not difficult if you stay organised. Trying to do is all again with what would be a toddler sounds like a nightmare though.

Childbirth, The one area that most repeat mothers would dread is not a concern to me. Except for perhaps how quick it would be. That sort of freaks me out a little but not enough for me to say I wouldn’t want to do it again. Like chances are I’d either need to be in the hospital the moment a twinge happened or go for the home birth. Not something I’m too confident with.

After childbirth though is something I don’t even want to think about. The sleepless nights, the crying. Oh so much crying. The physical pain and the trying to return back to normality. And this goes on for months. Almost a year down the line and I don’t sleep properly. She may wake for a feed and if she doesn’t I wake worried that she hasn’t even stirred.  I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to be as depressed as I was again.

And then there are the future plans. Me learning this damn language and providing for our family properly. It will take time and energy. Something I wont have with a toddler and a new baby.

You may wonder then why I even contemplate it all again. I certainly have enough reasons not to.  It’s because looking at Beth something stirs in me. An urge to do it all again. Something I can’t explain. When she was around 6 months I finally understood the loving feeling that mothers had described. And now each time I look at her I get that same feeling. Yesterday she finally started saying mama after months of only dada. And my heart swells each time she says it. I can’t explain what I want by going through it all again. I don’t want another child. I have my perfect child. I have my little miracle. I guess this is just something primal that doesn’t make sense in today’s world. Will she have any siblings? Not any time soon. Is it even an option? More so than it was. At least in my head anyways. Maybe I just need another basset hound. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Where were we….?

Published February 16, 2015 by reachandflexibility

I was ranting last time I was online I think. I cant be bothered with ranting today. By removing myself from the parenting world I actually feel a lot better about how me and Beth are doing. I’m not scared about her progress or how I am as a mother as I have nothing to compare it to. Nothing to remind me constantly that I might be failing in some areas. It’s a good feeling. Yes they suggest the groups for support but if anything, they just made things worse for me.

It would be nice to have the company of people sometimes but I’m terrible at conversation and as much Beth is a conversation starter I don’t really want to spend all my time talking about her. It is limiting though as she really is all that’s in my life currently. Aside from pup, Kim and WoW that is. And Kim is normally the only one I’m chatting to. You’d think I’d be lonely but I’m not. I’ve never been very good with people. There are times where I want to be surrounded by life of course but to actually converse with people. I’d rather pass.

If anything I want the opposite of parenting groups right now. I want non parents. I want to go out for a meal or a drink and talk about movies and video games. It’s not a cry for my old life but a cry for some sort of individuality at the moment. Our paperwork finally came through meaning a trip to the capital this week and from there my language lessons. It’s going to be so nice finally having my own little life again. I love Beth to bits but I really can’t wait to be by myself doing something worthwhile. Selfish of me? I don’t think so. I think it will do us both good. So far the only people she ever sees are me and Kim. It’s going to be an interesting day the first time she’s left at a creche.

She loves Kim to bits. As much as I do almost. We both wish he could be here more but we understand that he needs to work as much as he does. I wish I could help out more so that he didn’t need to. I’ll find a way soon enough I’m sure. Typically it all takes time though.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

As you can see, she doesn’t approve of my antics…

One Smug Mother.

Published June 5, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Disclaimer : If you had a horrible labor and can’t stand the sound of someone who didn’t I would advise not to read on. If however you are a FTM with a fear of being strapped to a bed for days of struggle ending in some sort of assisted delivery then read on. What I got was not what I expected.

Now Elizabeth Marie was born at 00.19am Tuesday 3rd June weighing a surprising 7 lb 2 oz. (39+2)

On the Monday I had woken up a few times during the morning with mild period pains but nothing I would consider often or even painful. Having had heavy periods all my life these were nothing but niggles. At 6am I decided to get up for some breakfast when I noticed a trickle of fluid. This stopped start as I walked around or stood up but seemed to be like a heavy discharge. I figured this was the early/pre-stages of labor I’d been told to expect. I set myself up for a day on the sofa with Animal Planet on and a little Mass Effect 3. I’d planned to have the trilogy completed before she arrived.

Well the pains came and went but weren’t building in intensity and weren’t very regular. I’d been told this could go on for days and messaged friend J asking if this could just be braxton hicks as I hadn’t experienced them at all. I mentioned the fluid loss and was told that could have been my waters. Now I don’t know why but I expected them to keep leaking if it was and this had stopped from the hour or so in the morning. Either way I took her advice and called Kim and the hospital to say I just wanted to be checked out just in case. If it was my waters I didn’t want to run the risk of infection. Everyone couldn’t believe how calm I was about the whole thing. If anything I was a little excited to see how it would go. Well an hour later me and Kim went down the hospital where they hooked me up to a trace to check Beth’s movement. She was fine and my contractions had calmed down quite a bit and I wasn’t leaking. Dr’s and nurses took their time as I really was in no serious situation or hurry.

At 3,30 a Dr came in to do a swab test to check the fluid.  She was not gentle with this. It was like a smear test times 10. Not unbearable but I did mouth the words “What the fuck!” to Kim when she started. Well this is where things got fun. The rest of my waters proceeded to break all over the bed. I was more worried about making a mess of the floor than what was actually happening. This was it though. I was off to the labour ward and they weren’t letting me go home until I’d had her. I really didn’t want this. I had wanted to go home and watch Aliens and relax in my own space. I honestly began to panic a little just at being stuck in a hospital and strapped to a bed. Well I got taken to my room and told if labor didn’t start in 18 hours I’d be induced. Time to wait…

Sort of….

15 minutes later and a quick call to my mum to let her know what was happening and my contractions had built up in pain quite a bit and after each one I was feeling quite sick. I requested a anti-emetic to get past this. In between contractions and during most of them I was pretty cool though. 15 minutes after the anti-emetic and I was asking about pain relief as things were getting a little uncomfortable and quite quickly. Claire the midwife gave me some paracetamol and said they were just changing over staff and that my only option was pethadine until I was dilated enough to be moved to delivery. She said I seemed ok and calm though and not to worry too much, she’d see me when she was back in. I didn’t want pethadine due to already feeling quite sick despite the earlier injection. I decided to wait it out and see how I went.

Well 20 minutes later and I was sat in the bathroom feeling very very uncomfortable and trying to fight the urge to vomit, piss and shit at the same time. I was not a happy bunny and had Kim request a nurse come and examine me just so I knew how much I had of this left. Something was going on and I was beginning to panic – I dreaded being that first time mum who just screams for an epidural when they’re barely a centimeter dilated. You know those types from one born every minute who just scream and scream…ugh…The midwife who came in gave me the look as if I was one. Until she did the examination. She then ran off and called a colleague who checked me quickly and started prepping the bed for movement. Contraction over and I’m casually asking what stage I’m at. Could I have got to 4cm in the hour or so since my waters went? I was fully dilated and off to be delivered. So much for pain relief and the average 16 hours that I was advised I’d be dealing with. On wheeling down I had a huge contraction, did some moaning (not even screaming, I was just humming at one point to get through it) and again was resisting throwing up. Turns out that was being caused by dilating so quickly and I don’t think any anti emetic was going to beat that. Transition was a bitch it seemed. Luckily no embarrassing vomiting though! Not bad for the one with the phobia.

Anyways, I’m rushed down and moved to the delivery bed where the 2 new delivery midwives can not believe how quickly I’ve been sent to them. They’re checking my notes multiple times to make sure. Meanwhile I’m chatting away in between my somewhat short and irregular contractions joking about things from TV and really being somewhat cool with things. They say there is no point getting the epidural I had planned as by the time the Dr had it prepped and set Beth would be here. I figured what the hell then, let’s not bother. Well 4 hours later and she was still not there. My urges to push were near non existent and contractions too short to really be effective. I got hooked to the Syntocinon to speed them up. Now this, I dreaded as had been told it also ramps up the pain. I was coping fine as it was (without the gas and air I might add as simply didn’t see the point in it. All I wanted was to bite down on something.) Well it worked and during this final hour I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep and was begging them to just pull her out of me. I even recommended they could do it like a sheep and tie her legs up and just pull. This was the finish though. They guided me with my pushing, telling me what I needed to do and got me through it. Kim was amazing keeping me calm and cooling me off when I needed. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without them. She was born 00.19 on the 3rd. Luckily the day after my parent’s wedding anniversary and after the announcement of a friend’s engagement.

It turns the reason she was so slow from dilation is because she was back to back and elbow first. Somewhere along the line she had turned and so all pain was in my hips and spine. I got a tear (no idea how bad, but I apparently lost quite a lot of blood and am stitched from end to end) but after it all I can honestly say I was right not to be nervous of it. I handled it all like I knew I would do. I got told with any future children I should probably just have a home birth. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again any time soon though….

So for a first time mother advised that because of BMI I should expect a slow, painful delivery with a heavy child and some assistance needed I did everything the exact opposite. Yeah I’ve been smug….

This basically gives a sum up of the mood of my childbirth. Whilst being stitched up we were discussing Scottish porn…

 

An open page

Published May 12, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Just so people are warned this will be one of them soppy pregnancy posts that are sweet but kind of sickening. 

To my Beth,

It’s less than 4 weeks until you’re here and I’m still in a state of shock. There has been only fleeting moments of excitement during this pregnancy. Most of it has been anticipation, worrying, a feeling of disengagement. I still mostly have the same feeling I did when I first found out I was pregnant with you. That “Oh shit” feeling. A feeling that I have to distance myself so that I won’t be hurt when something goes wrong. At 36 weeks you’d think that would have passed and it does at times. At those moments when I catch the Mexican wave of my bump moving or when I’m sorting through your tiny clothing. But then I realise how much more in love with you I am and I have to put myself back into reality again. I can’t let myself get hurt. Especially not at this stage. I’m sorry. I feel bad that I haven’t been able to enjoy pregnancy as much as a lot of other women. Everyday that you’ve moved and every scan I’ve had, every beat of your heart I’ve heard is a blessing. I’m so thankful for it. I worry that these feelings won’t shift and that I won’t be the best mother to you. I’ll try my best to be though.

We have everything ready for you here and it is just a waiting game now. I know that you’ll come when you’re ready. You’re stubborn like me and your father so will do as you please but I sort of hope you’re here sooner rather than later. I just want to know you’re safe. My control freak side of my mind wants to watch over you and protect you and the sooner you arrive, the sooner I can do this. Then I know everything will be ok. Even the dog expects your arrival. He barely leaves my side. He was always bad for being clingy with me but he knows that things are changing. He’ll protect you, just as us parents will.

I’m looking forward to seeing what type of child you’ll be. Will you still react to AC/DC or Top Gear the way you do currently with rolls and kicks to rival JCVD? Will you be a bookworm like your dad or a gamer like your mum? Will you sleep as much as pup or be up all night like the hammy? I look forward to these parts. As much as pregnancy has been tough the end result will be worth it. Childbirth scares me but it’s a 1 way trip. And I know it’s one I can get through. I’m not scared of the pain, I’m scared of losing control, but in that situation I just have to go with it. I just have to remember what it’s all for. Just need to remember that your dad is with me and that I love him and you so dearly.

I look forward to silly things as well. Like binning the bottles of Gaviscon. I might actually need a small party or event just to signify that moment in my life more than anything. I’m looking forward to a nice cold glass of wine. I’ll admit now I’ve had the odd singular beer during the last few months. A risk I know but I’ve made sure not to be stupid about it. I’m looking forward to pate on toast again and being able to view myself in a mirror without being reminded of the stay puff marshmallow man. Strangely enough I’m looking forward to breastfeeding. Something that I was very against years ago now seems enjoyable to me. My views on it in public haven’t changed at all but it’s a start. Most of all I look forward to us being a family. Mum, dad, you, pup and the waps of course.

To my Beth, despite all my worries I love you. That I never worry about.

pupbump

As close as he can get to protect you.

Like an onion…

Published December 5, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Well haven’t posted in a while as got stressed and well tired of complaining. AF showed after 7 days of spotting. Not the odd 1 or 2 days like she has done in the past but 7 days spotting and 2 days later than expected. Thanks for that body. But anyways with the unexpected news of the royals and their new sprog due I figured I’d give people and insight into how envy plays a part in my little TTC life. They did something about it on the TV a few weeks back but it was this attention whore of a celebrity and so no-one really paid attention. This post will be about why I react the way I do to some people’s news and not the same to others.

When it comes to others getting pregnant (Which they seem to do with the greatest of ease) how I react will be based on my own little judgement scheme. It’s not the most logical but for some reason it always happens. I’ll start at the top:

1- The ones who get the ok from me. These will be people who have been trying for a long while for their first. They are the ones who I will happily keep up with the beta’s and the scan photos and the worries and excitements of pregnancy. In my world I guess they deserve what they have been given. I honestly feel happy when they announce their BFP’s. It reminds me that anything is possible and gives me hope in the darkest times.

2 – People who will get a Gz from me but I will pang with jealousy when I first see the news. These are people who are having their first or those who had trouble trying to get the second, people who I don’t really know. Who have jobs and are in stable relationships. I guess Kate and Will fall under this category. I have my jealous moment but like everyone else I’m sort of happy for them. This also includes an ex-collegue who just announced her pregnancy and who I found myself pondering over being happy for and wasn’t sure why this was different to the other 4 I had been exposed to in 1 day.

3 – People who are on their 2nd+ with no trouble. Now that’s not really fair is it? Why do they get more than 1? Where’s my 1? This includes 3 of the people who announced on Facebook recently. They don’t get likes on their posts and I’ve blocked their news feeds for the next 6 months as quite simply I don’t want to hear it all. Yes good for them and all but really? Could you not have waited a year or so. Could fate not have come my way and maybe said “well since you’ve waited so patiently, it’s now your turn, they can wait.”? Oh well….

4 – People on their 2nd+ who have the relationship problems. You know the kind. Soandso is now single, Soandso is now in a relationship, Soandso says it’s complicated. So you’re telling me that you got pregnant by accident (Well it’s not going to involve trying if you’re not together for longer than a week) and you can’t even hold together a relationship with that person. Are you fucking stupid or something???? Now this isn’t a dig at single parents at all. Must be tough for them. This is a dig at the ones who don’t even know what basic contraception is. This was the 5th announcement on my Facebook. She has since been removed out of anger.

5 – Scum. This is the final layer of jealousy. A lot of people from the 4th layer actually fall into this layer. This is the no jobs on either side/ kids from 6 different parents / no morales type scum. Or chavs. Yeah chavs covers it much better. I honestly don’t care if they’re carrying the saviour of the universe. They’re scum and should have had an IQ test before they were allowed to breed. If they failed it they should have been sterilised. Like rats, all of them.

As you can see the envy is made of layers of judgement. Uninformed judgement in most cases but it’s what works for me. If people don’t like the way I react then they can happily inform me on where I’m wrong on their lives. I guess it’s why I’m so open on mine. So that when the judgement comes from others (Which it will) I can stand there and understand their reactions without question.

Shrek: For your information, there’s a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example… uh… ogres are like onions!
[holds up an onion, which Donkey sniffs]
Donkey: They stink?
Donkey: Oh, they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave ’em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin’ little white hairs…
Shrek: [peels an onion] NO! Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.
[walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have LAYERS. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions. What about cake? Everybody loves cake!
Shrek: I don’t care what everyone else likes! Ogres are not like cakes.
Donkey: You know what ELSE everybody likes? Parfaits! Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious!
Shrek: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-bye! See ya later.
Donkey: Parfait’s gotta be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet

OT Rage

Published March 18, 2012 by reachandflexibility

Now I know I said I wouldn’t bring this all to the blog as it’s the last thing you want to hear about and to be honest it’s not something I feel comfortable being questioned about in person but I need to vent.

Today is mother’s day. Now for the previous 24 years this hasn’t really bothered me. I love my mum but don’t really need a specific day to say that to her. This year though I want to rage. Mostly because of Facebook. Being 25 I have a large circle of friends all with children and today is the day where the constant updates get put up. Grats to them on creating their legacy but it’s really the last thing I want to hear about. (I’ve already closed it before anyone says I don’t have to read it) Maybe I’m being selfish with it, maybe they’re the ones being selfish *shrug* but I can’t get this bitterness and jealousy out of my head. In 2 months time I’ll be in that dr’s room setting up appointments to be poked and prodded to find out what’s wrong with me. Now I know people will say it might not be you and I understand that but deep down I know there is something wrong. Each month when I find myself doubled over in pain, taking the strongest painkillers I can, I know that’s not normal.

I have the strongest respect for some of the women’s blogs I read on here. One woman has been trying 5 years and whilst others might think that’s insane, I personally believe she’s an incredibly strong-willed woman. I know it’s not something I could do no matter how much children of my own mean to me. Yes I know I’m horrible about other people’s spawn. Some of them are vile and I really think there should be an IQ test before breeding is allowed in some communities but it’s still something I would like to do for myself.

Anyways I’ll leave this as it is. Promised Kim that this blog would not become me moaning like this and I don’t want people’s sympathy. I just want to get my opinion across on this matter before I explode at some excited mother to be. Also this is not a dig at people who don’t want children. Kudos to them for making that decision and I stand by them no matter what they next decide to do in life. My problem is not with them.