alone

All posts tagged alone

Been a while.

Published January 25, 2016 by reachandflexibility

So I’ve not updated in nearly a year. It just slips my mind and finding the time with a now 19 month old is difficult. Especially between savoring the times she’s asleep.

Things have gotten easier as she has gotten older but for the last 3 months we’ve been in the world of tantrums and technology obsession. She has to have the tv, or the pc or the iPad if she sees them. She can access most games  on them with no prompting from me. It’s a worry but how can I be a hypocrite and say no when the first thing I do in the morning is check my phone updates? She also has a few words now. An amount that I shouldn’t worry about as they all figure it out at some point. These consist of “up”, “hi” and of course “video”. Everything else is whinging or dragging you to whatever it is she wants.

She now loves the water. Considering the screams we had for baths when she was younger you can’t keep her away now. She still hates water on her head so hair washing is a pain but it’s better than her not getting in the bath at all.

She sleeps through and naps well for 2-3 hours which is a nice break for me to recharge my batteries for the next round. She doesn’t sit still ever. Maybe 5 minutes at most before she is up again. She climbs everything. Chairs have been removed from the table as she will climb on there. Leave her for 2 seconds and she will be at the highest point she can be. It’s nerve wracking. Nursery rhyme videos if the correct one for her mood will hypnotize her (and i do mean she will ignore everything around her, no matter what it is) for an astounding hour but I hate to do that. It’s not parenting to put your child in front of the TV all the time.

She eats now. Not meat which she will selectively pick out of her food but she’s on solids. Something that took a very long time for both her and me to deal with. She didn’t start weaning onto real solids until 9 months old. I was too terrified she’d choke and she just didn’t seem ready in my eyes. She is picky though like any toddler. Or selectively picky it seems. If it’s yours then she wants it. If it’s hers it will be on the floor or in the dog.

Shes probably like any other toddler. I have nothing to compare her to so I just assume she is. Her tantrums and reactions to sound/light toys worry me. She headbutts the floor and hits things when she doesn’t get her way. She hysterically screams if something is too much for her. She hates people. She has a scowl worthy of her father if anyone (even a child) comes near her. People in public result in her either sitting on the floor until they pass or clinging onto my leg for dear life. Sometimes we may get lucky and she will run through crowds of people but the scowling is more often a reaction. She’s been at school nearly a year now and still responds with hysterics when dropped off in the morning. These end pretty quickly once I leave but it’s just more struggle each morning. Her teacher even asked about her talking as she refused to make sounds to the carers there. Not even babbling. She has improved but only with time there. She’s most likely the way she is because we live so far away but quite frankly I don’t want to socialise with people. I share nothing in common with people. Even those with children. Very rarely do I meet someone I can chat to without feeling fake and like an outsider. Maybe she is the same way.

To be honest my life in Denmark is complicated at times. I sometimes wonder if we’d be happier in the UK but I know we wouldn’t. The food is shit, the people are idiots, the jobs would all be the same. And then you have the politics of my family to deal with as well as the unfairness to Kim and Pup. And then cost of uprooting again and it’s all not worth it. I know my problem here is the language. I’m isolated further because I’m not one of them. I’m further the outsider I would normally be. I can’t find a job until I learn it. My dream of going to university seems more impossible with every setback to my school. Whether it be illness, weather (we’ve been snowed/iced in), the terrible organisation by the school etc… Since august I’ve learnt little more than I have on Duolingo and I still can’t have a basic conversation with anyone as I can’t “hear” what they are actually saying. It’s like the words they say are different to the words that exist on paper. I hope and yet dread Beth learning it. Because I know if she does she will just be further away from me than she already feels. I’m lonely. I dream of being home and yet I have no home. I guess what I really dream of is a purpose where I matter. Because right now I don’t.

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Infertility sucks

Published February 25, 2013 by reachandflexibility

I want to moan and rant today. I’ve got up on the wrong side of the bed and want to complain about my friend’s pregnancy. I want to rant about the lack of jobs in this country and the fear that I might not get back into college despite trying so hard for it. But I feel I can’t. I don’t know why but I’ve also got up with a feeling that nobody really cares and they don’t want to listen to me voice my woes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over them so many times that I now sound like a stuck record or maybe it’s because they really don’t care.  I know they’re not worried anyways but something would be nice. Some sign that they care and realise this is actually important to me. The same sign they gave to someone else not too long ago over something that was important to them.

I’m tired of feeling alone with all this. I’m tired of dr’s not being knowledgeable enough to help me. I’m tired of the clinic being so fucking expensive that we can’t get help from them. I’m tired of fighting an uphill battle on everything in my life but I’m too fucking stubborn to give up. But most of all I really am tired of feeling like I’m fighting this battle by myself. That everything seems to be coming down to what I want to do. How do I want to fix it? Or do I just want to let the motions keep going and maybe one day some miracle will happen? I’ve tried forums where I feel like an outcast even with women trying for as long as me. I’ve tried blogs and though some of you get it and understand in the last 6 months most of my blog universe has got pregnant or has even had their child. I’ve yet again been left behind. So far I’ve only felt a connection to one person and she already has a little boy. She’ll have trouble with the second and she’ll navigate the NHS and she’ll get a second. I know she will. And I’ll be left behind again. I’ll be fighting this battle alone again.

Infertility sucks. It takes up all of your life. Every day you will think at least once how you can solve it. How you can control it, but you can’t. Everything you thought you knew about being a woman suddenly becomes distorted. You find you’re different and you can’t relate to anyone around you. It’s taboo to voice your worries because nobody wants to hear the sob story. They all want the surprise happy ending. People can’t relate and so they just ignore you. You start grasping at straws hoping to find the thing that will solve your problems. OPK’s, vits, strange diets, positive thinking, God… And then when that all fails you’re off for science, being turned into a petri dish of cells and put under the micro-scope every month. And when that doesn’t work. Who are you? You’re not a mother, you’re not the supposed pinnacle of womanhood. You’re barren. You’re the mean old aunt told in fairy tales, the witch in the forest, the statistic. You’re nothing and so people ignore you even had a problem. They just accept that you didn’t want children or you left it too late. Your struggle never existed. And it is a struggle. So why do so many of us go through this alone? I’m tired of feeling alone with it.

I apologise for the long-winded moan but I just needed to get this out of my system. The blog is the only place I can do this and actually feel like I’m being heard by someone. At least I can’t see them zone off half way through a sentence anyways. I’ll find a solution to this by myself as usual. It will get sorted.

 

Mr.James: You are what is medically known as non-specifically infertile. Or to give it its full scientific description, we do not have a bloody clue.

Maybe Baby