Home and Life

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Where were we….?

Published February 16, 2015 by reachandflexibility

I was ranting last time I was online I think.¬†I cant be bothered with ranting today. By removing myself from the parenting world I actually feel a lot better about how me and Beth are doing. I’m not scared about her progress or how I am as a mother as I have nothing to compare it to. Nothing to remind me constantly that I might be failing in some areas. It’s a good feeling. Yes they suggest the groups for support but if anything, they just made things worse for me.

It would be nice to have the company of people sometimes but I’m terrible at conversation and as much Beth is a conversation starter I don’t really want to spend all my time talking about her. It is limiting though as she really is all that’s in my life currently. Aside from pup, Kim and WoW that is. And Kim is normally the only one I’m chatting to. You’d think I’d be lonely but I’m not. I’ve never been very good with people. There are times where I want to be surrounded by life of course but to actually converse with people. I’d rather pass.

If anything I want the opposite of parenting groups right now. I want non parents. I want to go out for a meal or a drink and talk about movies and video games. It’s not a cry for my old life but a cry for some sort of individuality at the moment. Our paperwork finally came through meaning a trip to the capital this week and from there my language lessons. It’s going to be so nice finally having my own little life again. I love Beth to bits but I really can’t wait to be by myself doing something worthwhile. Selfish of me? I don’t think so. I think it will do us both good. So far the only people she ever sees are me and Kim. It’s going to be an interesting day the first time she’s left at a creche.

She loves Kim to bits. As much as I do almost. We both wish he could be here more but we understand that he needs to work as much as he does. I wish I could help out more so that he didn’t need to. I’ll find a way soon enough I’m sure. Typically it all takes time though.

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As you can see, she doesn’t approve of my antics…

Judgemental mothers

Published January 27, 2015 by reachandflexibility

Today I left my birth group. 300 women some of whom I’m now friends with, left simply because I’d had enough and wanted to go alone. It seems rule one to becoming a “good” mother is to judge the parenting of every other mother in terms of “what is best with these weeks fads”,”safety guidelines from this decade and country” and “loving your child the most”. If you don’t fit under this category then you’re more likely to be like myself worrying if you fit the expectations of these perfect mothers.
Today’s reason for leaving was a girl mentioning that she was pissed off her child wouldn’t sleep and a picture of him looking like he’d fallen between the bed and his travel cot. Not the best picture to see if there was any actual danger and a poor choice of words from herself but rather than people trying to figure out the situation the comments started flying instantly about how she was a bad mother putting her baby at risk, and how dare she be pissed off at a 7month old blah blah blah…this girl has enough on her plate and had been up numerous nights in a row. She wanted support and instead got slammed down by the perfect parents.
It’s crap, these women go on about how they are there to support each other and yet in typical female fashion it turns into high school bitching. It’s not something I need in my life. I’m tired of feeling the need to justify myself for not breastfeeding, for not following each guideline to the word simply because that is this weeks safety lesson. I’m tired of being looked down on because I don’t want to co sleep or wear my child every day. I’m sick of feeling like my child is slow because they’re not sucking on a piece of toast the moment they hit 6 months. Parents are meant to act like parents, not like the children they are raising.
This has been a long building rant simply because I know I’m not the best mother in the world. I pre prepare bottles and store them in the fridge, I let her cry, rather than cuddling her if she even so much as whines. I let her watch tv *gasp* and not just babyTV but actual movies like die hard and lethal weapon. Is she happy? Yes. Is she like any normal 8 month old? Yes. Has she gotten sick at all? No. Is she fed, clean, loved? Yes.
Get off your high horses and raise your own children. Not mine.

Still going strong

Published January 8, 2015 by reachandflexibility

Beth is currently napping upstairs after a disaster of a start to the day. She decided 3,50 would be the time to get up and I don’t deal with not sleeping. I’ve not updated in a while despite meaning to. We’re still waiting on paperwork, I’m enjoying Danish food a little too much for my waistband to enjoy and Kim’s job has been made permanent.

So to update. It’s been a tough Christmas here. Kim worked 12 days straight and it was exhausting for him. Tiring for me too but that’s because I just need 23 hours of sleep to get by it seems. Like seriously my whole immune system was destroyed. Cold sore after cold sore for like a month. I’m ill with a cold right now. It sucks. Anyways we ordered all our food for the week online. That arrived a day late with only a fraction of what we ordered. Luckily it included the Christmas dinner but that was pretty much it. It rained all week and that caused the electrics to play up as well. It wasn’t much of a Christmas, we didn’t even have a tree, but it was nice to spend some time with Kim after so long of him working. Beth got lots of gifts most of which she won’t touch as they make noise and she just starts to cry when they come near her. No idea what causes it. She won’t even let me have music playing on the iPad. She’s an odd child.

We’re growing closer. I’ve started using a wrap for walks and it’s helping us both. Well helping me mainly. I get to have my arms free and I sort of feel more bonded with her. It’s made things a little better for me mentally anyways. Things are still up and down in my head at the moment. Mostly up. We have blips but that’s normally if I’m tired or it’s been a very long week. If Beth gets out of her routine then it throws me off completely and I know it will end in a day of her screaming and me crying. It’s tough sometimes but luckily that’s not happening as often as it used to.

I’m still enjoying living in Denmark. Our house is perfect even if it does still need sort of moving into. Furniture is being bought slowly but surely and its just a matter of time before it becomes more of a home to us all. I love waking up to see how the day looks out. It’s pretty grey recently but every now and again you get a clear skies morning and it makes everything that little easier. We even had snow just after boxing day. I took Beth out to see it and pup got to explore the whole new world that had landed. I look forward to it when she’s older and we can build a snowman outside the front for the hunt master to get angry about. Yeah, life is ok at the moment. It’s peaceful.

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Home sweet home

Damn good coffee!

Published October 30, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So yeah. I don’t drink coffee but we’ve moved to Denmark and the area we live in is pretty much out in the middle of nowhere. Sort of like Twin Peaks. It’s lovely though. When it’s not raining this is meaning I’m out and about walking about 6km a day with Beth and pup. I’m not trapped in the house like I was in Ireland. Pup gets to chase pheasants and sniff out hares. I get to just sit and enjoy the silence and watch the trees sway in the wind. It really is beautiful here.

The food is better, my mood is better (providing I sleep) and everything is pretty good. I look forward to raising Beth over here where she can learn about the wildlife and maybe help our neighbor some days with her horses.

I’m unsure where my future is going to take me over here though. I have to get the language down first if anything. Then I can think about things like studying or working. It’s proving difficult as I’ve never really had a talent for languages, especially speaking them. Hopefully the lessons provided will get me past this.

You know despite a big move and Beth getting older not a lot has happened. So I’ll just leave you with a picture of a sight I get to experience everyday.

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15 weeks – all change

Published September 17, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So I haven’t posted in a little while as to be honest it’s been nonstop here. I got diagnosed with pnd and put on anti depressants and also ordered to get a nights sleep once a week. Easier said than done of course. But despite only being on the pills for a short while and then stopping cold turkey I’m feeling really well. I still feel a little lonely at times but I’m trying to find ways to reach out to people.
Beth is now over 15 weeks old and still as demanding as ever. She feeds every 3 hours during the day and was doing this at night as well up until about 3 weeks ago. Now she’s sleeping 9-5 (though it’s been 4 the last 2 nights) and Kim gets up with her so I get a lie in most mornings. It’s certainly an improvement. For one thing I’m back in our bedroom rather than the spare room.
Me and are her are bonding a lot better than we were and I’m certainly growing to love her. She’s becoming a lot easier to guess what’s wrong with. My only wish right now is that I could have some time to be myself for maybe an hour a week. Seems my alone time is spent sleeping and every waking moment is with Beth. Either looking after her or cleaning up/preparing things for her. It can be a little tough at times. Hopefully things will get better with the next bit of news.
Me and Kim are finally moving to Denmark. He’s been offered a job and we’re currently on our last week in Ireland before the big move. It’s a pretty stressful time for both of us but the new house we have found is perfect for our new life and soon after the move we’ll also be getting married. New family life in Denmark as we had both hoped for for a long time. I’ll finally be learning the language properly and can hopefully start getting my dog grooming set up or maybe trying and find more training in it. I actually got a distinction over all from my college course. I was pretty impressed even if the grooming was a complete nightmare.
For now I’m just trying to pack boxes when I have my arms free. Beth is most definitely a Velcro baby at times and only naps for about 20 minutes before wanting feeding or entertaining. Not to mention pup being ever present and very curious. Ah well I better get some more done now while I have the chance.

finally a picture of my little girl. She’s about 12 weeks there ūüôā

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The first law of alchemy

Published July 27, 2014 by reachandflexibility

“In order to obtain or create something, something of equal value must be lost or destroyed.”

Beth is nearly 8 weeks and although she has been reasonably calm these last few days the above quote has been flying through my head. Although unhealthy, I’ve been thinking about everything I have lost in gaining her. Everything I’ve been feeling recently can amount to 3 words.

Guilt

For not being able to love her like a normal mother would. For not carrying on breast feeding despite everything that says it’s for the best. For not running to her every cry within seconds simply because I’m too exhausted of bending to her every demand. For not being as good a mother to her as I know I should be.

Then there is guilt to Kim and pup. For not being able to give them the attention they once had. For not being able to share a bed with them both because I know caring for Beth at night will simply keep them awake. For making Kim work a job he hates simply to keep us all going. For putting him in a life he may never have chosen.

This section could go on a lot longer. Mothers are so judgemental of everything you do. If you’re not doing it to their standards or to this weeks “guidelines” then you’re selfish and a bad mother. A lot of guilt stems from this. I want to be a good mother, so why do I listen to these types?

Loneliness

I’m doing a lot of this by myself. Though Kim helps he has to work a lot of the time and the last thing he wants is to be working again as soon as he gets through the front door. I have no family here to help out and the friends I do have have little experience with babies. That’s when they actually remember I exist anyways. I spend my days in front of the TV holding Beth counting the hours until Kim gets home. There is nowhere to go where I live. No simple trip down the shops. I can’t even walk the dog easily with the pram and going out without him is not an option. I have no one to really talk to and it’s lonely. People say I should ask for help because I never do. There is no one to ask though. And even if there was, what can they do? Why even bother them?

Mourning

For the above first law. Everything I feel I have sacrificed.

Going straight back to college, walking pup casually during the day, my body or at least what I knew it to be, a fun, enjoyable sex life, my social life (or at least what there was of it), any time gaming, a full nights sleep, my identity…

I guess a lot of what I’m trying to figure out with this is who I am now. As a mother I feel like nothing. I feel like Beth is the personality and the life and I’m just the drone which sustains her. Like that guy from total recall. I feel like I’ve lost who I am and I’m mourning that as I try to figure myself out. I feel like a shadow of who I used to be. Was it an equal cost for her? I hope so.

This is just me trying to structure my thoughts before the next feed which I know will come soon. Another night of feed, nap, feed, nap. Before another day of feed, settle, feed, settle… It will get better. Just need to keep my head above the water.

6 weeks – colic, smiles and afternoons off

Published July 18, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So today was me and Beth’s 6 week check. She’s fine in every way. Well apart from the colic. The colic that for the last 5 weeks or so has been driving us all mad. We’ve tried nearly every solution out there from changing her formula (she was breastfed but it was exhausting having her feed for hours on end, the lack of control/knowledge of how much she was actually getting from me and the fact that Kim couldn’t help out) to white noise on the ipad. It’s only in the last few days that she began to settle a little more and even then we still have a few hours of grouchiess.
She’s now around 4.5kg in weight and growing well. She feeds every 3 hours on the dot and is handling the nights quite well. Despite her clearly having Kim’s grumpy face we have even had a few smiles the last few days. They are few and far between but they are there.
I am getting there…with a nights sleep I’m able to cope. Well no, I feel good when I get a nights sleep. I get the housework done, I enjoy my days and I enjoy Beth. With no or little sleep I’m a mess. I’m like I was 4 weeks ago. Tuesday morning I was like this after having around 3 hours sleep, interrupted of course. Kim left for work with Beth crying and me saying that I wished for just a few moments she didn’t even exist. Well he took the afternoon off to come back and look after both of us. It was needed and I was so grateful for the help and support. With a little sleep I felt slightly more normal again.
Well at today’s 6 week check I got given the line that Kim has practically been chanting at me the last few weeks, “don’t beat yourself up”. The nurse told me that everything I was going through was normal. That depression was normal, that guilt was normal and that bonding does take time for some mothers. I nearly started crying there and then. I’ve not been diagnosed with anything but I’ve been told I need to look after myself. To get help when I need it and to take it easy. And of course to stop beating myself up. Easier said than done but I’m working it.
I’m back in 2 weeks for the start of her vaccinations so well see from there if need more help. I hope I don’t. A happier post will come soon I promise.

4 weeks gone

Published July 1, 2014 by reachandflexibility

So things are getting better somewhat. I’m not crying every day only the odd day when I’m tired and frustrated. My mum and sister coming over was a big boost I needed even if it did give me a small realisation that I never ask for help when I need it. It also made me realise that I get very easily frustrated over the silliest of things. One of which was a sling we bought that I just couldn’t get to fit comfortably. The only thought running through my head when trying it though was “I’m too fat to carry my own child.” Yeah it was a little extreme.
I’m liking Beth a little more each day but still view her with a sort of detachment rather than the unconditional love that others seem to have. I voiced a few of my frustrations to my nurse at her 2 week check and her advice was what everyone else has told me. Keep up on my sleep and accept/ ask for help when needed. Well as said I’m slowly getting there.
My aims as always are to keep Kim happy. If he’s happy then I’m happy. Unfortunately though this is proving difficult recently. In being so miserable I seem to have neglected even the basic things like telling him I love him. I do love him there is no doubt about it but recently I’ve just been having trouble with everything. I’m sure he understands but I need to pull myself out of this rut. Nights are the worst I find. When I just feel alone with things. When it’s dark and my thoughts kick in. Usually when I’m most tired and need to sleep. It’s hopefully getting better though. I don’t want to jinx it.
I’m not actually sure what to put right now. I just wanted to update to say we’re getting there. Very slowly I’m getting there. One night at a time.

2 weeks in

Published June 18, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Something doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe it’s exhaustion from not sleeping or eating properly. Maybe it’s from the constant care I’m having to give and sleeping on the sofa so as to avoid waking Kim during the night with feeds and changing. But I’m fed up.
I can barely find the motivation or energy to have conversations with people currently. I was told to expect the baby blues but I get the feeling this is something more. When Beth cries I just don’t want to be in the same room as her. I’m tired of being on demand constantly with not even a moment to myself. Even a 5 minute shower doesn’t fix it. I’m fed up, Kim is fed up. Even the dog is miserable as there is no one to play with and his walks are more limited.
I spend my days crying and I’m only ever really happy when Kim is here but even then I’m worn out. I feel guilty for feeling this way too. We tried so long to bring this child into our lives and now she is here and I just don’t know how to feel about her. As terrible as it sounds I don’t feel like I love her. When she was placed on me after birth my initial feeling was not one of unconditional love. But more of shock and fear.
I’m tired of staring at the same 4 walls of my front room but I can’t go out as we don’t have the pram yet. Even if we did I don’t think I’d want to go outside. I just want to curl up in bed and cry until I can’t any longer. I don’t have th energy to see friends and even if I did it would just be a hoping that they might be here to wake me up from all this.
Don’t get me wrong I’m taking care of Beth. She’s being fed, changed and looked after to the best of my ability but I just don’t know how much more of this I can do. I keep thinking that me and Kim’s lives have been ruined in some way. He didn’t even want a baby and now he is being forced to put up with all this. He works all day and comes home to a miserable and exhausted girlfriend, a house that looks like a bomb has hit it and a daughter who just demands feeds and doesn’t settle properly. I’m so sorry to him. I didn’t mean for things to be like this.
My mum and sister are coming by next week and I just hope a little rest helps me. I just feel so alone with all this right now. I’m supposed to be happy we have our baby. I’m supposed to know its difficult and yet get through it and not complain as after all I have what I wanted after 2 1/2 years. I have to keep smiling. Have to keep swimming. I have to shut down mentally to get through this.

One Smug Mother.

Published June 5, 2014 by reachandflexibility

Disclaimer : If you had a horrible labor and can’t stand the sound of someone who didn’t I would advise not to read on. If however you are a FTM with a fear of being strapped to a bed for days of struggle ending in some sort of assisted delivery then read on. What I got was not what I expected.

Now Elizabeth Marie was born at 00.19am Tuesday 3rd June weighing a surprising 7 lb 2 oz. (39+2)

On the Monday I had woken up a few times during the morning with mild period pains but nothing I would consider often or even painful. Having had heavy periods all my life these were nothing but niggles. At 6am I decided to get up for some breakfast when I noticed a trickle of fluid. This stopped start as I walked around or stood up but seemed to be like a heavy discharge. I figured this was the early/pre-stages of labor I’d been told to expect. I set myself up for a day on the sofa with Animal Planet on and a little Mass Effect 3. I’d planned to have the trilogy completed before she arrived.

Well the pains came and went but weren’t building in intensity and weren’t very regular. I’d been told this could go on for days and messaged friend J¬†asking if this could just be braxton hicks as I hadn’t experienced them at all. I mentioned the fluid loss and was told that could have been my waters. Now I don’t know why but I expected them to keep leaking if it was and this had stopped from the hour or so in the morning. Either way I took her advice and called Kim and the hospital to say I just wanted to be checked out just in case. If it was my waters I didn’t want to run the risk of infection. Everyone couldn’t believe how calm I was about the whole thing. If anything I was a little excited to see how it would go. Well an hour later me and Kim went down the hospital where they hooked me up to a trace to check Beth’s movement. She was fine and my contractions had calmed down quite a bit and I wasn’t leaking. Dr’s and nurses took their time as I really was in no serious situation or hurry.

At 3,30 a Dr came in to do a swab test to check the fluid. ¬†She was not gentle with this. It was like a smear test times 10. Not unbearable but I did mouth the words “What the fuck!” to Kim when she started. Well this is where things got fun. The rest of my waters proceeded to break all over the bed. I was more worried about making a mess of the floor than what was actually happening. This was it though. I was off to the labour ward and they weren’t letting me go home until I’d had her. I really didn’t want this. I had wanted to go home and watch Aliens and relax in my own space. I honestly began to panic a little just at being stuck in a hospital and strapped to a bed. Well I got taken to my room and told if labor didn’t start in 18 hours I’d be induced. Time to wait…

Sort of….

15 minutes later and a quick call to my mum to let her know what was happening and my contractions had built up in pain quite a bit and after each one I was feeling quite sick. I requested a anti-emetic to get past this. In between contractions and during most of them I was pretty cool though. 15 minutes after the anti-emetic and I was asking about pain relief as things were getting a little uncomfortable and quite quickly. Claire the midwife gave me some paracetamol¬†and said they were just changing over staff and that my only option was pethadine until I was dilated enough to be moved to delivery. She said I seemed ok and calm though and not to worry too much, she’d see me when she was back in. I didn’t want pethadine due to already feeling quite sick despite the earlier injection. I decided to wait it out and see how I went.

Well 20 minutes later and I was sat in the bathroom feeling very very uncomfortable and trying to fight the urge to vomit, piss and shit at the same time. I was not a happy bunny and had Kim request a nurse come and examine me just so I knew how much I had of this left. Something was going on and I was beginning to panic – I dreaded being that first time mum who just screams for an epidural when they’re barely a centimeter dilated. You know those types from one born every minute who just scream and scream…ugh…The midwife who came in gave me the look as if I was one. Until she did the examination. She then ran off and called a colleague who checked me quickly and started prepping the bed for movement. Contraction over and I’m casually asking what stage I’m at. Could I have got to 4cm in the hour or so since my waters went? I was fully dilated and off to be delivered. So much for pain relief and the average 16 hours that I was advised I’d be dealing with. On wheeling down I had a huge contraction, did some moaning (not even screaming, I was just humming at one point to get through it) and again was resisting throwing up. Turns out that was being caused by dilating so quickly and I don’t think any anti emetic was going to beat that. Transition was a bitch it seemed. Luckily no embarrassing vomiting though! Not bad for the one with the phobia.

Anyways, I’m rushed down and moved to the delivery bed where the 2 new delivery midwives can not believe how quickly I’ve been sent to them. They’re checking my notes multiple times to make sure. Meanwhile I’m chatting away in between my somewhat short and irregular contractions joking about things from TV and really being somewhat cool with things. They say there is no point getting the epidural I had planned as by the time the Dr had it prepped and set Beth¬†would be here. I figured what the hell then, let’s not bother. Well 4 hours later and she was still not there. My urges to push were near non existent and contractions too short to really be effective. I got hooked to the¬†Syntocinon to speed them up. Now this, I dreaded as had been told it also ramps up the pain. I was coping fine as it was (without the gas and air I might add as simply didn’t see the point in it. All I wanted was to bite down on something.) Well it worked and during this final hour I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep and was begging them to just pull her out of me. I even recommended they could do it like a sheep and tie her legs up and just pull. This was the finish though. They guided me with my pushing, telling me what I needed to do and got me through it. Kim was amazing keeping me calm and cooling me off when I needed. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without them. She was born 00.19 on the 3rd. Luckily the day after my parent’s wedding anniversary and after the announcement of a friend’s engagement.

It turns the reason she was so slow from dilation is because she was back to back and elbow first. Somewhere along the line she had turned and so all pain was in my hips and spine. I got a tear (no idea how bad, but I apparently lost quite a lot of blood and am stitched from end to end) but after it all I can honestly say I was right not to be nervous of it. I handled it all like I knew I would do. I got told with any future children I should probably just have a home birth. I don’t think I’ll be going through it again any time soon though….

So for a first time mother advised that because of BMI I should expect a slow, painful delivery with a heavy child and some assistance needed I did everything the exact opposite. Yeah I’ve been smug….

This basically gives a sum up of the mood of my childbirth.¬†Whilst being stitched up we were discussing Scottish porn…