I want to moan and rant today. I’ve got up on the wrong side of the bed and want to complain about my friend’s pregnancy. I want to rant about the lack of jobs in this country and the fear that I might not get back into college despite trying so hard for it. But I feel I can’t. I don’t know why but I’ve also got up with a feeling that nobody really cares and they don’t want to listen to me voice my woes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been over them so many times that I now sound like a stuck record or maybe it’s because they really don’t care. I know they’re not worried anyways but something would be nice. Some sign that they care and realise this is actually important to me. The same sign they gave to someone else not too long ago over something that was important to them.
I’m tired of feeling alone with all this. I’m tired of dr’s not being knowledgeable enough to help me. I’m tired of the clinic being so fucking expensive that we can’t get help from them. I’m tired of fighting an uphill battle on everything in my life but I’m too fucking stubborn to give up. But most of all I really am tired of feeling like I’m fighting this battle by myself. That everything seems to be coming down to what I want to do. How do I want to fix it? Or do I just want to let the motions keep going and maybe one day some miracle will happen? I’ve tried forums where I feel like an outcast even with women trying for as long as me. I’ve tried blogs and though some of you get it and understand in the last 6 months most of my blog universe has got pregnant or has even had their child. I’ve yet again been left behind. So far I’ve only felt a connection to one person and she already has a little boy. She’ll have trouble with the second and she’ll navigate the NHS and she’ll get a second. I know she will. And I’ll be left behind again. I’ll be fighting this battle alone again.
Infertility sucks. It takes up all of your life. Every day you will think at least once how you can solve it. How you can control it, but you can’t. Everything you thought you knew about being a woman suddenly becomes distorted. You find you’re different and you can’t relate to anyone around you. It’s taboo to voice your worries because nobody wants to hear the sob story. They all want the surprise happy ending. People can’t relate and so they just ignore you. You start grasping at straws hoping to find the thing that will solve your problems. OPK’s, vits, strange diets, positive thinking, God… And then when that all fails you’re off for science, being turned into a petri dish of cells and put under the micro-scope every month. And when that doesn’t work. Who are you? You’re not a mother, you’re not the supposed pinnacle of womanhood. You’re barren. You’re the mean old aunt told in fairy tales, the witch in the forest, the statistic. You’re nothing and so people ignore you even had a problem. They just accept that you didn’t want children or you left it too late. Your struggle never existed. And it is a struggle. So why do so many of us go through this alone? I’m tired of feeling alone with it.
I apologise for the long-winded moan but I just needed to get this out of my system. The blog is the only place I can do this and actually feel like I’m being heard by someone. At least I can’t see them zone off half way through a sentence anyways. I’ll find a solution to this by myself as usual. It will get sorted.
Mr.James: You are what is medically known as non-specifically infertile. Or to give it its full scientific description, we do not have a bloody clue.