So currently on CD16 after starting on the pill and AF shows. My body aches and I have no idea why. I’m going to just forget the pill if my body is going to be messed up anyways. Why take it if I don’t ovulate and don’t have sustainable hormone levels? I’ve been trying to accept that I may never have children of my own and it’s a strange feeling. I’ve only once felt let down by it all and that was when we saw a scan on the TV happening. Like I might never experience that. I might never see that heartbeat or that little baby wriggling around. I could adopt but I’d miss out on one of the biggest experiences life has to offer. I guess I just don’t think that is fair. I’m trying to remain optimistic about things going on around me but it’s tricky at times especially when I don’t know how things will pan out.
I decided to stay in Ireland for my birthday instead of travelling back home as planned. With costs and being between my mum’s/dad’s it just wasn’t easy. Instead I spent the day with Kim eating Thai food (and even surprise choccy brownie with a candle) and relaxed all day. It was really all I could ask for. My 26th birthday come and gone with no big celebration. I’m thankful for that as quite frankly I don’t want to get any older. It’s not something people seem to understand but I think it’s because it’s been drilled in to me along the line somewhere that everything sort of goes downhill after 30. At 30 you’re expected to have children and be married and have a full-time career and well I have none of that and the clock is just ticking away without giving me a chance to catch up. Instead I’m 26, getting divorced, unemployed and possibly going back to school a decade too late and struggling with infertility. This sort of isn’t how I planned for things to happen but then again when has my life ever gone to plan?
But oh well. My birthday went well and I got to spend it with the man I love. And that’s all I could really ask for. I made my birthday wish and with any hope that will come true. Until then I will just go through the motions, making the most of the things I do have in my life. A perfect other half, amazing friends and family and a dog that will eat my socks. And hey, if I’m lucky a miracle might come my way some time…
And oh yeah “Zydrate comes in a little glass vial”