So I’m trying my best to live in the now. If I think of the past then I get angry and regret everything I’ve ever done and I just hate myself for it. If I think of the future then I’m stuck in the “We’ll see” mentality. Something that I’ve had enough of over the last 9months. With living in the now I feel better as I can just bury my head in the sand. I don’t think Kim is too impressed with this way of doing things but it’s what I need right now or I’m going to crumble.
I’m still jobless. Yet another template rejection email saying thanks but no thanks. Scouring through website after website seeing nothing I can apply for. I either have no experience or I don’t speak the second language they require. Companies in this country are taking the piss with employing duel speakers so they can abuse them for 2 jobs just so they don’t have to pay 2 wages. It’s wrong. They have a minimum quota on each language they have to fill and it just limits everything for me. I have 7 years experience in Customer Service. I have 2 NVQ’s in that area, I’ve done course after course and put on my best face each time I’ve dealt with someone and it’s just not good enough. And each time it’s because of something out of my control. But there we go thinking in the past. My job hunting is done for today and I’ll just try again tomorrow.
Today’s plan is simply to get out of the house for an hour or so. I started couch 2 5k yesterday – Something recommended by my sister and I’d also seen a few bloggers doing it as well. Week 1 day 1 went ok actually. I’m not in good shape. In fact the last time I ever ran somewhere was when I was about 14 and forced to at school. I just don’t like exercise but I did it and I felt so proud afterwards. Tomorrow will be day 2 and I’m looking forward to it. I’m taking my days watching what I eat as being at home all these hours really doesn’t help my bored/eat mentality. I just want to get myself in to some sort of good shape. The one where I don’t look at myself and think omg what have I done to myself. I’m afriad of flying home for my birthday and not being comfortable in that tiny airplane seat due to being too fat. I worry that I get home and my family will be like “oh you look…….healthy” – Then the moment I’m out of earshot it’s, “my she’s put on weight”. This is the type of shit my family would say by the way. I just want to feel good about myself in some aspect.
I also want to get into shape for the one reason that really matters. I want to have a baby. Nearly 18 months down the line and nothing and though my dr didn’t bring it up I know it plays a huge part. Kim was saying the other night that he couldnt understand people wanting kids when they’re young when they haven’t been out and seen the world and lived their lives. I tried explaining that maybe it’s because some people only want to experience having a family and being happy. What’s the point of seeing the world when you’re just going to come back to a reality of nothing? I don’t know if he understood that I’m that young person who isn’t intrested in anything else. I never have been. I’ve only ever wanted a family of my own. I know what I want to do with my life and I can’t even do that. But that’s where losing weight comes in. I can do that. Maybe my body will get it, and a miracle will happen. But we’ll see… For today I will enjoy. The sun is out for once, I’m feeling ok. Today will be a good day.
Cmdr. William Riker: Someone once said “Don’t try to be a great man. Just be a man, and let history make its own judgment.”
Dr. Zefram Cochrane: That’s rhetorical nonsense. Who said that?
Cmdr. William Riker: [smiles at Cochrane] You did, ten years from now.
Star Trek: First Contact