I want to write today but I’m not sure what about. I wanted to write about the end of the world, I wanted to write about hope but as I started typing I held back and deleted it. I’m at a very confusing time in my life right now. I don’t know where I’m going or what anything will lead to. All I know is that I want something good to come my way. I was caught by a http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chugger the other day who said good things would come my way as I seemed like a good person. I really want to believe him but as ever doubt creeps into my mind. And with doubt comes despair. I don’t want to hope for anything as I’m tired of being let down. I mentioned this a while back and the reply I got was along the lines of “well why bother with anything then?”. I wonder this myself sometimes in the darker moments of my thought. My conclusion, I’m too stubborn to give up. I’ve come too far now to just hang everything up and end things.
I realise what minor things I have are actually important things to me, and things that make me happy are not worth losing. If bad news keeps coming my way then so be it. So long as it is just bad news for me then I guess it means others are being spared it and they are getting good news. I wonder why me but hopefully it means my time will come soon. Life is just a collection of moments, some bad, some good. You can’t have it good all the time.
Maybe the world will end on the 21st. Everything will be vaporised into nothing and everyone and everything will be on the same page. Everyone equal for the first time in history. Fairness in destruction. Balance of the force if you’ll accept my nerdy meaning. I don’t want the world to end as I sort of have a lot to get done while I’m here but if it does I guess I won’t mind so much as there will no longer be any problems. No need to hope. No need to be let down. Just peace.
Sorry for this rather unstructured post, my mind is a jumble of thoughts currently. I guess I’m trying to find logic in the madness.
I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived
Dead Poets Society