So the day after my last post I decided to breath and just chill the fuck out. I died my hair (An amazing red I might add) and spent the day with friends just being normal again. I’ve decided to take a month off from TTC just to get my head back on straight. So no forums, no meds, no testing of anything. Just me and kim being a couple again. It seemed fair seen as we are approaching our 3 year anniversary. I guess it would be fair to him for me to be normal for at least a day.
And this is where the problems lie. I don’t want people worrying about me before I start. I don’t want the advice or the hugs or anything. I just want to continue like this post never happened. I’m posting it just for the sake of getting it out of my head as this is what the blog was meant for. I would scribble it in my diary book but then I don’t feel so much like I’m clearing my head and more just bottling it up further on paper.
I’m currently listening to a song by Pink Floyd called “The Final Cut”. It’s one my dad used to listen to and it’s one that has been in my collection since I was a teenager battling depression and attempting to appear normal. Some of the lyrics :
And if I show you my dark side
Will you still hold me tonight?
And if I open my heart to you
And show you my weak side
What would you do?
This song after a long time has made it back on to the play list. I’m not at my lowest but I’m feeling pretty rough. I feel the only way I can get out of this is by doing something. In putting TTC on hold I’ve opened up the thoughts of so many other things which I need to sort. I need a job. I need one soon and I just don’t know what to do. I’m worrying about money even though Kim says we’re fine for now. We’ve cancelled our trip away this month due to finances and I sort of feel it is my fault by not trying hard enough. I need to lose weight. And not in a “oh no you don’t, you look amazing!” type way. I need to lose it in a “I’m not healthy and I’m just lying to myself” type way. I’ve asked my mum for my wiifit back as quite honestly I don’t want to go outside and she announces she has given it to my younger sister. The same one who in the most mature way blocked me on Facebook. Getting something from her will be impossible as she considers her life to be more important than anyone elses. Did I mention I tried to get her to sell my wedding dress for me. Gave her money for postage and she didn’t bother. Leant her money when she was going through a rough time at uni. Did she pay it back? Fuck no. Now she doesn’t even have time to reply to a message online. Fucking pathetic.
I’d go over and get it myself but we can’t afford flights. I’m getting tired of living off Kim and my mind is running in cycles that can’t be seen as healthy. I think he and everyone I know would be happier without me. But I know it would hurt them more if I left. I can’t admit this to any of them though as just seeming like this is a strain on them. Something which they could do without. At the end of the day it’s coming down to which is the greater pain. Having me around bringing them down or me just leaving. I have this romantic notion of just walking out of the house one day and never coming back. Not telling anyone where I have gone in an attempt to find myself. That will never happen. I don’t want to admit this but I think I need help.
Old vices are lurking in my head. They appear every now and again and I get through them, I even asked my sister for advice last time. She ignored me. They’re creeping back again. I just feel that everything is my fault. I left my last job, I haven’t found a new job, I’m just leaching in existence. Everything I do just isn’t good enough. I can’t even do whats meant to be natural. I have no purpose. I’m sorry everyone, I just don’t feel like me right now.