This is more a post for the people who all day will ask me if I’m ok. I wont answer over chat as I’m really not a people person today but no I’m not. I’m pissed off at my body, pissed off at myself for hoping that maybe just maybe we had done it. That after 18 months we had finally got what everyone else seems to find so fucking easy.
3 days ago I started spotting and figured that was it. A short cycle and the clomid had made little difference. But that was all it was, spotting. It kept going and I was cramping but nothing. No crippling pain, no bloodbath. I googled and I mean I gooooooooglllled it all and everything I found was hopeful saying it could be implantation bleeding, it was all around the right time and typically no one ever updated on their post as to what happened with it but I remained calm. This kept going for 3 whole days and by last night I was feeling pretty confident. I was going to go out and buy a test today and maybe for the first time ever go into limbo or get that BFP. 4am I woke up this morning feeling so hungry I felt sick with it. No sign of AF. I went back to bed and had problems falling back to sleep thinking of that BFP and how even the spotting had stopped now. 8am I get up and oh look there’s AF. And even then she’s not crippling me, she’s slowly creeping in like the red moss from war of the worlds. Sorry for the metaphors but being in the mood I am right now I need to rant. Part of me is tempted to test anyways just to see if my body is being a fucker. I’m convinced my progesterone levels are a mess. They were 15 when they checked for OV the previous month. 15 suggests I might have OV’d but the levels wouldn’t be high enough to sustain a pregnancy and I’m thinking that even though they have given me clomid it isn’t enough. I think the clomid just postponed the inevitable. I think my levels will fall anyways and I don’t think any dr will do a thing about it. They’ll just keep reminding me that I’m 25 and I have time and if I pay them enough money things will work out. Well I don’t want that. I want the fucking easy route like the people I know do. Like the 25-year-old on my Facebook who despite having the changing relationship statuses has managed to pop out 2 kids and just announced her 3rd is coming soon. I’m tired of everything being such a fucking challenge to get through. This, my old job, looking for a new job (they haven’t even bothered calling me about the seasonal work I applied for. That makes me feel pretty fucking shit). Did I do something wrong in a past life or am I just bringing all this on myself now? #
Blegh this is a post of self loathing but fuck it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up to be struck down like this but I did it anyways because people wanted me to be positive and optimistic. Well what fucking good did that do?
This picture is an accurate representative of my mood today
Kudos to Mizgirl