Always waiting

Published October 9, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So I need to shake this feeling off. I’m not sure whether it’s the clomid exacerbating things or whether it is my actual depression creeping back in but I’m feeling pretty bummed out these last few days. It could also be the dark, grey, murky weather of Ireland giving fire to the little whispers in my mind. The whispers that take a minor problem and blows it up into a life changing catastrophe.

I feel like I’m waiting. On everything. I spend my days watching the clock tick by waiting for the mail to arrive, waiting for Plato’s walk, waiting to feed time for him, waiting for Kim to come home. I spend my weeks waiting for AF so I can start pills, waiting for clinic appointments, waiting in my TWW for my inevitable AF. And then onto more waiting for my life to begin.

I’m still searching for a job to fill my hours up. Seems nobody needs customer service employees. Especially ones who only speak English. So I spend my time waiting for call backs to tell me I’ve been unsuccessful. These never come of course. In this country it seems impossible for them to actually ring a person. For example I went into the pharmacy about 2 weeks ago and they said they didn’t have what I needed in stock but they would do in 3-4 days and they would call me. I’m yet to have a callback. I’ve been into the store to be told they now have everything but needles…Now what kind of pharmacy doesn’t have needles for a start? They said they would call me today. I’m not expecting that phone to ring.

I’m also tired of this competition it feels me and my sister are having. This whole “who has bigger problems right now and the who is allowed to complain about them” type competition. It’s sad that 2 people grow apart that way and it’s sadder that the one won’t even talk about what the problem is and instead resorts to deleting posts and using the block function. Has nearly 22 years of growing up together meant that little? Am I really that difficult to even talk to? I don’t even know if I should bother trying to fix the situation. In my mind I shouldn’t be the one having to fix it. I guess I put this here in a hope she reads it and realises it’s not just always her affected by life. It’s not always her with the problems.

So yeah, this is where I am in life at the moment. Having trouble seeing the good things which I know are there. Having trouble being the positive person I should be as what right do I have to complain? I’ll shake it off in a day or two. I hope.

“Cobb: You’re waiting for a train. A train that’ll take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you. But you can’t know for sure. Yet it doesn’t matter. Now, tell me why?
Mal: Because you’ll be together!



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