So we got our initial appointment booked for Wednesday. Less than a week now and I’m trying to be relaxed about things. I say trying, I have a feeling I’m hassling Kim with forms and appointment times a little more than is considered normal but I can’t help it. I just want things to go easily and with as little stress caused as possible. Easier said than done.
I’m excited yet nervous as hell about it all and what will be said. Excited as whatever they find they can do something about. It’s the first step to getting us a baby. It’s something happening and not just limbo. I’m nervous though that they find a lot wrong with both of us and it’s impossible to treat and they shunt us forward to IVF. Now I don’t want this to come across wrong to anyone but when I think of women going through IVF they’re all in their 30’s and have either been trying for years, have left motherhood late for jobs or simply haven’t met the right guy. I’m 25… I guess in my world I feel too young for IVF. I’m a little scared by it all. And what if they find that by some miracle I’m fine and Kim has the problem. Will he feel bad for it? Will there be anything that we can do? Will I be ok with that? I don’t know how I’m going to react with anything I hear from them. I know if I’m the problem I’m going to feel guilty as hell as I can’t give Kim the family he deserves and instead will be dragging him through hell and back.
I keep being told not to worry and what happens happens but how do you relax with something like this? This could change our lives for the better or for the worst.
In other news I started my evening course last night at the college. I may have been my normal mental self and for some reason disagreed with everything said to me. Not through looking for arguments. But just through honest difference in opinion. Everyone else however was not on my line of thinking. As normal. I’m now trying to find logic to back up my illogical ideas. I’m already causing more work for myself just by asking questions. I really need to learn this logic that everyone else is so big on.
I’ve also been shouting at the job centre place again. They’ve been completely stupid and are asking me for things that I just don’t and will never have as well as just not listening to what I’m asking them. I get the feeling that they will never help me and are tired of the work that they’re having to do. Do they think that I’m not doing anything to look for work? Do they think I enjoy sitting around the house worrying about the income and the bills and the costs of getting through life? The guilt of not being able to find anything in this pathetic country despite so much experience? Do they think I enjoy being a leach and useless in every way?
Yeah I’m stressed as normal. 1 dpo and no hope for this cycle. Cycle 16 and I don’t expect anything different to what has happened in previous cycles. Oh well you never know what might happen. Everything might be fine. I might go for my appointment on Wednesday and they do their scan and reveal I’m pregnant and all is well. That’s dream thinking right there 🙂