So pretty much this time last year was when all the shit started happening. My job got thrown into chaos and I began to loathe it, the mc happened and I started to think that maybe things weren’t going to be as straightforward as I had initially thought. This year I’m out of the job, I’m planning on doing something I want to do and though ttc is still a major worry in my little life it’s not as heartbreaking as it was back then. I’m a lot more logical (though bitter) about it all. I understand that there is no miracle cure and I understand that important things take time. For something to be perfect it needs careful planning and patience. I don’t want any child. I don’t want some rushed formula that will equate to more heartbreak. I want a perfect take home baby. As much as it kills me at times I’m willing to wait for that. I’m willing to keep going every month as the more suffering I have, the less my child will have. Isn’t that what any mother wants?
Today is CD23 and I’m counting down. I’m not sure why but I have so many hopes pinned on this cycle. Maybe it’s because of the last few weeks of pain and exhaustion what with jobs, courses and of course little Broed. Maybe it’s because I’ve recently had some karma go my way in the form of little Lowen and the hours at the pet shop. Maybe it’s because my body is throwing little signs my way. I slept for 4 hours mid day today. I was just feeling that tired. I don’t know if my dreams will come true or even if my tiny whispered prayers will be heard. But I hope for this cycle. One thing TTC installs in you is a sense of hope. If AF shows in 5 days or even in 13 days I will accept it. It will be the start of cycle 15 but it will be another month closer to that BFP, to that wish.
I’m trying to be a little more positive about this experience. I’ve shouted and blamed so many people for everything I’ve gone through so far and I know deep down that things may get worse before they can get better. I guess if the time comes when it’s too late and all options have been used then I will need to move on. Until then I will keep this little ball of hope in the back of my mind. I will think of it during the times I need it most. When the world seems at its darkest and I have nothing to turn to then I will think of it and remind myself that if something is wanted enough, if it is hoped and dreamt for enough it will be given.
5 days to go…minimum…