Published July 29, 2012 by reachandflexibility

So everything has been a little sucky recently. I’m trying to stay positive but well it’s not always working. I’ll give you guys the run down

1 – Still not pregnant. We’re currently on CD16 of cycle 14. 15 months into TTC. Did I think it would take this long? Well nope. If the original idea of waiting for my divorce to come through had been the plan then we wouldn’t even be trying now and would then most likely be waiting 15 months + from then on. Am I hopeful that it might happen this cycle? Nope. Am I expecting my appointment letter to come through from the doctors? Nope. A 6 month wait time takes us into November. I know it’s only a few months away but I sort of want to take some control over all this and stop leaving it to blind luck. I want to fix whatever is wrong. I want to stop feeling so angry at everyone around me that has no clue what this is like. I can’t just relax. I’m not that type of person.

2 – We’re still jobless. I know TTC and no income is probably not the best of things but I’m not expecting it to happen any time soon so may as well not waste any money on birth control. The job centre people have disallowed my claim for money for some unknown reason. I only know this much after waiting 4 months and then actually going into the offices to be told this. I have to wait for a letter before I can appeal against it and I don’t expect that to arrive any time soon.

3 – I’m not expecting to get onto the Cork course for veterinary nursing. There are too many applicants and even if I work every day on my voluntary work I don’t think it will help. I’ve got an interview at a college in the UK for a similar course but that might mean leaving Kim for a year and I don’t know if I can do that. It also depends on where he gets a job as well as we may just end up moving somewhere that doesn’t offer a course. I just feel lost in this whole situation. I feel I have no control over any of it. Kim is also stressed by it all understandably and I just don’t know what to do. I just want to run away from everything at the moment.

4 – Now this one may sound like I’m over reacting. I love my pets. I always have, right from my first cat Nigel to my recent puppy Plato. Currently I have hamsters too. When me and Kim had our 8 month anniversary we bought a hamster called Oegle (They’re all named after Danish words by the way). Oegle turned out to be pregnant and 4 weeks later had 3 little hammies. (Yeah even the hammie got pregnant with no problems ¬¬). Anyways the 3 little ones we kept and called Paleag (sp?), Flyve and Broed. Each night they have been given choccy drops and well I love my little hammies. On Friday I checked in on them as I normally was and Broed the runt wasn’t acting normal. He was rocking side to side and barely moving. I instantly started crying. I knew something was wrong and didn’t want to accept what was happening. We got him to the 24 hour vets and it seems he had a growth inside him. It was blocking his bladder and caused him to just fill with urine. they drained most of it and he seemed to lose all his weight with it. He was dehydrated and underweight. If he had been a cat or dog we might have been able to do something but he was so small and so sick. It’s terrible that we could not have been able to notice it sooner. There was nothing we could do. We had him put to sleep. I cried when he finally stopped breathing. I lost one of my little hammies. He was defiant to the end biting the ultrasound and trying to get the vet but now he’s gone. All I want is my little Broed back.

I’m trying to stay positive with everything going on at the moment but I just want something to go our way. I just want that light at the end of the tunnel to say that it’s all going to be ok. I want a miracle.

“My wife’s an incredible woman. She’s loving and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this, but the woman’s always right… I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… it kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby… Please?”

Friends – The one with the birth mother



2 comments on “/sigh

  • Aww you poor thing, you are having such a tough time! Its easy to tell yourself ‘stay positive’ but so much harder in reality when the world seems against you.
    For example, my hamster had a litter of 13 pups the other week, only 2 have survived until today and I am handrearing them both (with no actual guarentee they will make it to adulthood). Its the feeling of helplessness thats the worse. But sometimes you just have to accept the shit and focus on the good. Its not so much staying positive, its taking what you have got (beautiful pets being a start) and realising how great you make life for them. It may not be perfect but its the calm before the storm. Like things have to get terrible so that you notice when they get better, and they will get better. 🙂 x

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