Above you’ll see my favourite character from Final Fantasy 9. Ever since I was 15 and saw her quote in the manual (“To be forgotten is worse than death“) I sort of connected with it. People have big fears and mine is to be forgotten. I don’t want to vanish and for people to go “oh you know, thingy, the loud one with the anger management issues”. I want to be remembered for doing something with my life.
This week I’ve been stressing and worrying like I normally do. I worry about not finding a job. Or finding a job that I can’t stand or can’t do. I worry about ending up in another dead-end call centre job wasting my life away. It’s not what I want. I hate to say this but I’m jealous of my sisters. One has been offered a nursing course and the other a position helping those with mental health. I’m so proud of both of them but at the same time jealous. They’re going to be helping people. Doing things that I can’t. I was tempted to apply for an access teaching course in the UK. But after scouring the site and reading up I just realised that wouldn’t be good for me. I failed my college AS levels, I give up on whatever seems too difficult for me and I’m the worst role model in the world, especially when it comes to following orders from others who I have no respect for. I ended up deciding no and spent the day wallowing in my own self pity. I have no idea what I will do job wise. I don’t even know where to start as nothing interests me. I would love to help others in some way but at the same time I’d rather just be left alone. If I could write for a living I would but sadly I have writing talents that make people think I’m dyslexic…I’m not…
Anyways back to the fear of being forgotten. I guess this is one of the reasons I wanted to be a mother since I was about 18. Everyone remembers the family in their life. Even if they weren’t very good at it. I wanted to give all the love I have to someone. I wanted to pass on all the knowledge I’ve picked up and hope that they would grow to be someone who would be respectable. I wanted everything to be perfect. With the way things are at the moment I don’t know if this will ever happen. I get angry watching people who ignore their children as I know I could be better. I get angry at how unfair this all seems. I don’t understand why I always seem to end up in these situations. If I could just be told why or what I need to do I could deal with that but I’m stuck with the monthly disappointment. With the constant uncertainty. I’m terrified I’ll end up alone. That crazy woman who owns cats. The one who couldn’t keep her other half as he didn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t give him the family he had thought about. The old lady who dies and nobody even notices.
I mentioned this in not so many words, but much more tears to Kim and being his perfect self he’s booked me a trip home to the UK for a few days to see my family. I’m glad as hopefully I can clear my head and decide what I truly want to do. I hope this works as I’m getting tired of feeling so worried about things that might never happen.