Recently I’ve been sort of living in my own head. Not so much troubled more just in deep thought. There’s nothing wrong I’m just I dunno… Feeling distant from the world around me. I don’t like where I currently am in the world. I have no job and no set plan. I’m sort of lost in chaos trying to find where I’m going. It has crossed my mind in a 1% idea to head back home and leach off my mum. Find a job there on a call centre for 2 years and see where I go from there. As said that is a tiny tiny and incredibly improbable concept. Mostly because I can’t and won’t leave Kim. The current plan is of course Denmark but as I don’t speak the language and have that little skill in learning languages it is sort of difficult to try for. Every position I see I’m under qualified for or I just don’t fit the bill at all. After 10 minutes of searching I feel like a waste of space on society and will regret all decisions made in the last 10 years. Well I say all. Mostly 1 of dropping out of college. Like why didn’t I bother with it? Am I really that stupid that I didn’t understand it or was I so tired with authority figures tying to control my life that I thought working might be easier? Afterall it’s the same problem with authority that made me loathe my past roles so much anyways.
Looking for jobs makes me question my worth. It’s something that confuses a lot of people when they meet me. I’m the person who can define self-confidence and self-esteem. I have the self-confidence that’s for sure. Hell I’m writing all this on a public blog that everyone I know is free to view. I openly discuss my worries with a world I barely know. I’m the one who will in front of a room full of people lead the charge against something I believe in. But that’s where it ends. This is where the self-esteem comes in. I view myself as a bad person. This weeks current negatives come from the fact that my skin resembles that of Two-face’s. My trousers are sitting uncomfortably which means I’m conscious of my ever flabby stomach. I’m afraid of my friend visiting and his only memory of the week is “wow, she packed on a few pounds”. Maybe I’m going crazy. I worry that I’m stupid due to my limited knowledge of the world around me. It’s backed up by my inability to write anything decent despite my love of it. This is honestly the stuff that goes through my brain. Self esteem has never and will never be my strong point and it certainly isn’t aided by companies looking for “enthusiastic team players”. What ever happened to just employing people to do a god damn job?
I’m also worrying about the 2nd miscarriage and whether I should get checked out right now. Currently on cycle 11 and with 2 in the logs it sort of plays on my mind. It also doesn’t help watching the forums and feeling that I’m getting left behind. It’s also NIAW this week ( National infertility awareness week) and despite wanting to support it I sort of feel I can’t as I’m yet to be lumped in with any sort of diagnosis. So I’m in limbo with that as well. Leave it for Denmark is my main idea but when will that be and even if we get there do I feel right going to a doctor that 1- I can’t communicate with well and 2- I feel I don’t deserve the help from when I’ve practically only just arrived in the country?
This stuff is clearly distracting me at times but when I go to explain it, it’s like my mouth and brain become disconnected. I just go with “yeah…I’m just blegh is all”. As said there is nothing majorly wrong. I’m not depressed or even sad. I’m just distracted. I need something to set my mind on trying, something I know has an actual goal. I don’t mean like completing a game or building something. More a life goal, I need to know where I’m going and what I’m doing. Without it I’m driving myself mad.
For once I’m not even sure to post this one. This is all too much in my own head. I’ve been planning for days to get this out of my system. Writing is my outlet and if people read it that is their choice. Not sure I’ll answer any questions regarding it all but we’ll see.