So today I’m going to write about a fun subject. Chemical fucking pregnancies.
Taken from google – “A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman’s period was due but a miscarriage occurred before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.”
Now before I started TTC I’d never heard of such a thing. Women were either pregnant or they weren’t. They had miscarriages yes but not something like this. This to be honest is a cruel joke I find. It’s the telling a child they’re going to Disney Land just to instead take them to the dentist. To see that excitement and then to dash it in one foul swoop.
Well today I got to enjoy this for the second time in my TTC life. Wednesday after feeling so off key to how I normally would I did a cheap test. BFP? You can not be serious…Why would I get a BFP? Let’s try this again shall we with a more honest result…BFP….Hm that really can not be right, maybe it’s because they are a cheap brand. I’ll buy some FRER and see what they say. Wow BFP as well on both of them and the lines are quite strong…Shit maybe we have actually done it this month. Maybe I should take back everything I said in my last blog. Maybe I should actually pray to thank whoever is in charge for what’s happened…Shit what if this all goes wrong?
Well after a night of no sleep I finally came round to this idea. I was pregnant. My little pea was there and holy shit we had done it. I was going to stay level though, I knew the risks and what could go wrong. I didn’t bother with the doctors as I knew AF could show again. The day goes by and I’m spending all day feeling rough, headachey and achey. Crampy which I was assured was normal. I began to relax into this idea that it could go ok. 80% chance of being fine. That’s fucking good odds I’m figuring. The next day goes by, all well. Little less achey but hey I must just not be as aware of it today. Go to sleep feeling happy.
Today I woke, migraine splitting my head in two. And then I felt it..the cramping, something I knew very well. Not the cramping I’d had the last few days. No this was stronger and I knew exactly what was going on. My pregnancy had ended within 3 days. At 4w 2d I had lost my second pea.
Can I say I’m upset? To be honest…Not really. Disappointed? Yes I am. Pissed off? For sure. It’s been a good few days and I’ve enjoyed dreaming of the future and I’ve enjoyed the fact that we finally reached that stage again. Having it taken away has sucked but I was prepared for it this time. I might not be happy about it but I’m not sad for it.
It’s been a long few days. Maybe next time I will be lucky. Maybe next time I’ll get my pea and it will be mine forever. We will see. Either way chemical pregnancies suck and should not exist….I apologise to anyone who may have felt my wrath at all today and I apologise to anyone this might worry. Don’t worry because honestly I am fine. I’m alive and it’s not the end of the world. I will get what I want. I always do, whether it’s now or in 10 years time.
Oh to help people who arn’t in with the acronyms –
BFP – Big fat positive
TTC – Trying to conceive
FRER – First Response Early Response
AF – Aunt Flo ( Or Ahhh Fuck as Kim has decided it should be)