This morning I am a ball of un needed rage. Not because anything has happened just because I have gotten up. My tired mood seems to have followed me from last night and I can only find myself shouting at the internet connection this morning while hoping that the population of the world has gotten back to work after the “holiday” so that I can do some damn shopping and get myself out of the house.
The other night I was feeling hopeful. Me and Kim were chatting about kid’s names. This was bought on by a terrible thread I made where they were trying to decide whether to call their child Mason or Maison. The second one means house you dumb bitch!!! “oh but the spelling looks nicer” ………………….really?????? Ugh how come these morons can bear children and people with common sense can’t????
Last night I started feeling less hopeful. Any aches and pains I’ve had are beginning to die down as they normally would and besides what gives me the right to be lucky after this long? Why bother testing as I know after almost a year what they will say? Why did I expect this to be so easy? I assumed being 25, in the prime of my lie, promised by all those books and sites that it would be easy. Within 6 months? Well sign me up! I know others have been trying longer but I feel like being selfish today. I need to get this all off my chest before I head up town and see all those happy women. The woman in the Thai place is getting bigger by the day. Isn’t it great that the one place I enjoy is now daunted by her waddling through the place patting her tummy knowingly? Bitch….they’re all bitches. Not because they’ve wronged me, no that would be too easy. But because they’ve got what I want. I’m a mass of jealous anger. I was once described as someone who has righteous fury. I don’t know if it’s just fury in this case but it makes sense as to how I handle situations.
To be honest I can’t even be sympathetic towards myself. I should be happy and determined that “my time will come” but like the brat from Willy Wonka all I can think is “DON’T CARE HOW, I WANT IT NOW!!!”…Well look what happened to her. After typing this I do feel a little better and ready to take on the world. Being 25 I guess time is on my side and that’s all it is, A matter of time. I just wish I could see the future so I didn’t think that all this was for nothing.
Suitable listening for my mood.